Silence.

Slide.

2012-01-30T02:21:00.000+08:00

Cutest thing I've seen today. AAAHHHH.

Like, ZOMG SO CUTE BATMAN IS BLUSHING. Seen here.
_________________

I love blogging. I love expressing myself in long sentences and paragraphs and I love how my fingers tap on the keyboard non-stop when I am blogging about something that excites me. I love how my fingers are the alternative gateway (besides my mouth, obviously) for others to see what I see, hear what I hear and feel what I feel. I love how my fingers are synchronized perfectly to the thoughts of my mind, moving at 100 miles per hour.

However, when a friend asked me why I am still wasting my time on my blog, I didn't want to get overemotional about it and explain how I feel when I voice out my thoughts with my fingers because I believe non-bloggers won't understand it. They won't understand the satisfaction I feel after typing everything out, hoping that someone out there will be able to relate to my life. They won't understand the emotions I feel when someone posts comments regarding a topic that matters to me; whether they agree or disagree or simply agree to disagree to my opinions.

I think blogging has made me more matured, in a way. Before I blog about something, I would usually think about it for a long time before blogging it out to see if I can type it out in a way that makes sense. And sometimes, I do researches about the topics I talk bring up. So yeah, blogging has aided in my intellectual and emotional growth. Yes, I have one of those posts that are filled with hot men and female hormones once in a while but most of the time, I blog about something that is dear to me (those horny posts are regarding something that is dear to me too, yes) or something that needs to be given more attention. I blog to educate. I blog to be understood. I blog to contain my excitement from exploding in real life. I blog to keep my memories forever alive. I blog to look back and see how much I have grown out of the prejudices and misconceptions I have always had.

Blogging is very personal to me. Blogging is like, talking to a friend. Sometimes, I just need to get all those heavy weights off my chest and shoulder without being adviced on how to solve my problems or comforted so I'll feel better. I just need to type everything out and be done with it. I just want to be heard, that's all.

And now, I want you to hear about how cute Batman is in that lovely pink gown, blushing and smiling like a girl in love. ZOMG SO CUTE.

Tricky.

2012-01-20T20:15:00.003+08:00

Do you notice a pattern on Youtube or basically, anywhere in the Internet that allows readers and users to comment? We are bound to see words like 'gay' and 'fag' in the comments when readers disagree with each other. But you will never see words like 'nigger' or 'slant-eyed asswipe' because you will be bombarded with one word. Racist. I don't remember being informed that sexual slurs are accepted as normal while racial slurs are a taboo and shouldn't be used. Or maybe, my note got lost in between the stacks of Christmas cards the postmen throws out when they couldn't deliver it on time.

I'm not sure when sexual slurs started their rounds as words to insult but as always, being a person who believes in human rights, I do not support this shit. I guess, one of the reasons why the society don't choose racial slurs as an insult because we were born that way. We are born into a Chinese/Indian/White/Black family and it can't be an insult because you didn't choose to be born into that particular ethnic. It's not your freedom to choose which family you would like to live with for the rest of your lives because well, you just can't. So, I guess that's why people don't (or rarely) use racial or ethnic slurs because there is nothing to insult about. It's not your doing that you ended up with a Malay family. On the other hand, the choice of your sexuality is your decision. You can be either be straight, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual - whatever. It's all up to you when you start learning about yourself.

See, no one states that being straight is normal. You were born a male or a female but your sexual preference is all up to you. No one should tell you that a guy liking a girl is normal or that a guy having interest in another guy is unnatural. In fact, it's not even stated in any Rule Book Of Life that anything besides heterosexuality is the wrong way. So, I am disgusted to read comments that insult others with sexual slurs. By using those words as an insult, you're already imposing your superiority on homosexuals and bisexuals. You use those words as an insult because you do not like the way they are. You undermine them because of your perception that everyone is born straight and whoever who isn't, deserves to be looked down. Because they are not following the 'order of nature'.

I believe that homosexuals, bisexuals, etc deserves to be respected because they are basically as fucking human as you and anybody else. They should be allowed to decide who suits them best, regardless of gender. Cliched as it may sound but love is blind. Who are you to tell them that they should be attracted to the opposite sex? You have no right to tell them the way they should live because no homosexual goes around telling heterosexuals that they are doing it wrong. It's all about the matter of perception. The perception that being heterosexual is the right thing. It is just the same thing as people telling you that being thin is attractive. They are telling you who you should be copulating with and that even if you're a homosexual, it's okay to live in misery with the opposite sex for the rest of your life because that's what the society expects of you.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense right now. Because I think I'm going out of point.

Right. So, yeah. Using 'faggot' itself is already a derogatory manner to homosexuals. It's rude and just plain disrespectful. It's just the same as people associating the Jews with the term 'money-minded'. And no one does that, so how is this any different for sexual slurs?

...I think I lost my train of thought. I was supposed to be approaching this subject in another manner but I can't remember what I wanted to touch on. Guh.

Basically, just stop using sexual slurs because it shows how intellectual you are (or the lack of it) and how you are more or less a complete asshole for doing so. And because no one likes it.

Dark.

2012-01-18T20:13:00.002+08:00

Hello there. You might have heard or read about Wikipedia's blackout because of SOPA/PIPA because it's a pretty damn huge issue. So huge that so few people (including the US citizens) know about this. Their media (Fox, NBC) actually ignored the entire issue in their evening news broadcasts until last week, because they are a part of the group that wants SOPA/PIPA to be implemented. There's some serious shit going on here because majority of the US citizens didn't know of these bills which is about to be passed in their own country and I think I need to do my part in sharing the shit. So everyone can fucking get up and call bullshit on SOPA/PIPA.

Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA) are very similar acts that are supposedly trying to stop online piracy (as stated) and protect everyone's property from being distributed illegally through rogue websites in the Internet such as Isohunt, Mediafire, 4shared and Pirate Bay. Sounds pretty dignified right? Oh, man. Wait until you hear about the things these acts can do to you. I'll try to keep this short because I don't want people to stop reading because it's too long. So, one thing about SOPA/PIPA is that it allows huge corporate companies (I'm gonna call them apple mints from now onwards) like Universal Music, Sony, EMI, etc to take down any material that are in violation of their copyrighted material. Without any debate or paperwork. So yeah, imagine this. You decide to do a cover of a song you really love and you post it on Youtube. And out of no where, Sony Music comes along and decides, "Hey, this dude is singing a song that belongs to me. I want it back." and gets Youtube to pull down your video. Okay, you might think that it's perfectly okay for this to happen. But wait just a minute. Youtube is a website full of videos like that. Youtube will be shut down. And because people just love linking videos on Facebook, Facebook will also have to be shut down. Because both Youtube and Facebook are hosting pirated materials. If you embed a video on your website, your website will be forced to shut down. If you link gifs from Tumblr, pictures from Google, videos from Youtube and articles from Wikipedia to anywhere else, that site will be shut down. Basically, that just means that the whole Internet will be destroyed because the Internet is made of websites that are constantly linking to other websites.

Oh shit, I'm a pirate!

That's not all, folks. It's not just about eradicating rogue sites. If you post something that doesn't make the apple mints happy, they can make the website or you to take it down, accusing that you have violated their copyrights. When in fact, you didn't. See, this act doesn't require the apple mints to justify their accusations. You could be spreading awareness about SOPA/PIPA and the apple mints can simply snap their fingers and block the post or video. Because they fucking can. That's already in violation of freedom of speech and expression. You are robbed from expressing your views regarding a certain matter. You are forced to shut up. And that's not very nice.This has actually happened when Universal Music wanted a video of famous artistes (P. Diddy, Kanye West, Chris Brown, etc) supporting Megaupload to be taken down from Youtube, claiming that they violated their copyrights when they didn't. In fact, they actually didn't need the rights of a song or video to take down videos because "UMG (Universal Music Group) is now claiming that it has a private, automated censorship right--supported by a secret process that can take down any YouTube video with immunity from the DMCA--and there is nothing that this Court could do about it". Well, now. That sounds like a really bad thing, right?

Second thing about this is with these acts, you're actually giving those apple mints the chance to control your Internet. When they are given the right to block or request sites to take down any material that are accused of violation in copyrights, it's just like having these (******) as a substitute for profanities. They are basically censoring your Internet. They are deciding on what you can or cannot hear. They are deciding on what you can or cannot read. They are deciding on what you can or cannot know. That's pretty fucked up, y'know? You are forced to live in darkness and ignorance just so these apple mints can protect their models and importance. And that's exactly how Malaysia is like, if I can make it relatable to people of my region, our mainstream mass media censoring and hiding dirty issues regarding the Government. With SOPA/PIPA, they can request search engines like Google to block the sites that they do not want you to go sneaking around by not showing that site in the results, crying and stomping their foots claiming these sites could potentially allow piracy and copyright infringement. See where this is going now? They have no argument and they don't need an argument to win. They will just win. And if you decide to sue them, you can spend all that money, running in and out of court, proving that the apple mints are wrong and you will still end up in the losing boat because you have exhausted all your savings while they earn billions annually. You should be shitting in your pants right now from all the fear. Because this is a fucking nightmare.

I hope you can see how easily these bills can be abused by not only apple mints, but basically any-fucking-one. Whatever I saying now is just the tip of the iceberg because there is more shit behind this. And I'm trying to keep this short. Trying oh-so-hard. But what I'm trying to say is that SOPA/PIPA is a violation of human rights in general. If you need to know, SOPA/PIPA is supported (and sponsored) by apple mints because they are claiming that pirates are stealing money from them and jobs from the people who doesn't want to be unemployed by distributing illegally. Well, first of all, they are apple mints. When have apple mints ever cared about the people's well-being? They are money making giant corporates that are finding ways to get more money. (I've learnt enough Economics to know that it's always about the money.) They are not fighting the war with the Government for the same purpose. They are fighting to have the power to control our Internet and information. They are fighting to have the power to control our lives. This is not the fight against piracy. This is a disguise of the fight for power. They don't care if we lose our basic human rights. All they want is to contain and dictate us the way they want.

Also, the people debating about the bills are old people. They are 50-70 year olds, telling us, the young, IT savvy generation how to use the Internet when they have no clue what the Internet is. They have no idea to exactly what they are debating about. The people who were like, "Well, I think we should bring in some experts to help us with this bill because it sounds complicated and we don't want to y'know, destroy the Internet" are in the minority. In the fucking minority. As though majority of these old guys know exactly what they're talking about. Who knows, these guys could actually imagine that they are really at war with men on wooden ships with parrots on their shoulders. Are we really gonna let these people determine how our Internet should be like? I'm sorry but I don't think I want that to happen. I'm perfectly happy with my Internet right now.

If you're not a US citizen and you're like, "Meh, this won't affect me because it's only in the US", sorry to ruin your adorable dream but you should remember that most of the websites we use are from the US. You will not have an Internet. I repeat, you will not have an Internet. Our children will have to start playing outside again. If SOPA/PIPA is implemented, we will feel the effects. It's a fucking butterfly effect, okay? The whole world will feel it.

And if you need more reasons, hey, here's another. The Internet is coming out to oppose the bills that are supposedly trying to save and make the Internet a better place. Wikipedia, Twitter, Mozilla Firefox, Google, Yahoo, Reddit, etc. O the irony.

So this is where I can be shut down for linking useful stuff to you. A video of a guy who does a better job explaining (and terrifying the sense into your head) about SOPA/PIPA.

Sign a petition here. You know what, I demand you to sign the bloody petition.

Articles you should read to educate yourself and also, spread to educate others : Here, here, here and here.

Also, you may hear about SOPA being a complete FAIL because it didn't manage to pass through the House but PIPA is being debated by the Senate, which is filled with older people (and thus, more clueless people) and this is fucking dangerous because it just means that PIPA has a higher probability of getting passed. Because there isn't younger old (uhm, yeah) people there to debate and oppose it. Although SOPA is the much more radical act, you must not overlook PIPA because PIPA has almost the content as SOPA. It can still destroy the Internet.

And if you totally skipped the entire post, well here's the gist of it. I fucking oppose SOPA/PIPA and you should too because I am telling you to or you won't see this blog anymore. Or your Cracked website. Or your 9gag. Or your porn sites.

I managed to frightened you a little, huh?

Trauma.

2012-01-15T02:50:00.000+08:00

Here's number 13 in the Shameless Meme list that coincidentally took placed on January 13th in Kuala Lumpur.

Speak up about something crap that was done to you.

You know what's the best thing about having a blog? You can say whatever you want and this is the time when I use this space to convince others that I am not fucking around when I say that my Foster The People gig experience was robbed by gig goers who don't know the basic etiquettes of gigging. And you people, deserve a middle finger for that.

I'm not going to be nice because you people weren't nice to me, or anyone else who were nice there. Firstly, you assholes tried to squeeze through the spaces between two people to get a better view or probably, the front row if no one fucking stopped you. Then, you tried to act sweet and cute by asking if we could allow you to stand in front because you were small sized after all that sneaking and squeezing around. See, do I look like I fucking care whether you're short (which is probably due to the fact that you are like what, ten?) and need a better view of the stage? Well then, here's tip #1. If you know you need to get a better view, then fucking get in line. Vanessa and I were in line since 2:30pm and the concert starts at 8:30pm. And frankly speaking, I did not even see you children in the line during that five hours of wait. The heck, I think you were probably from the back of the line and you used the same guilt card on everyone else to get to the fourth row. And just because we didn't let you be in front of us, you decided to annoy the fuck out of the nice people whom I met during the wait. You leaned on others, making people around me feel uncomfortable. You tried to crawl between a person's legs to get in front. I have to admit, you people are the perfect example of never taking no for an answer. Then you started pushing the people in front of you when no one behind you was pushing. I mean, what's there to push when the concert hasn't even started? You annoying little pricks made a shy and quiet girl behind me so uncomfortable because you kept leaning your bodies on her and pushing her and in turn, push me. And you actually think I would believe that she was the one who would push me for the fun of it after I told you off in the politest way possible? You were lucky I refrained myself from using any profanities because although you are an uneducated child, you are a child nevertheless. And also, I am not going to allow you to ruin my gigging mood which you did eventually. So yeah, here's a little fuck you since I am not holding anything back anymore.

Here's tip #2 : Treat others the way you would like to be treated. When the guys came onstage, almost all the fans ditched their moral and basic human values and became selfish and inconsiderate bunch of low life organisms. You self centered fans continued to push when you already know that we can't go to the front because there's a thing called the metal barricade that is in between the fans and Foster and his People. But you didn't care because you continued pushing and shoving even after Mark Foster himself told you to fucking stop before someone actually dies from a crushed chest. You pushed others to the back to get in front. You pulled hairs to get in front. You elbowed people who get in your way. You get your hands on anything to pull a person behind. Bags, hair, arms, tops, bras. Anything. A Malay fan actually had her head scarf ripped off her head. That was just fucking low, okay? You didn't give all of us enough space to move or even breathe because of your constant pushing towards the stage and that made so many gig virgins to almost pass out. You didn't even bother to show concern when a girl fainted but instead, use it as an advantage to get closer to the front. Basically, the first few rows were a fucking nightmare and I actually wanted to ditch my spot for another spot that is much more comfortable. But I decided not to because I have waited for months to see Foster and The People and also, because there are so many younger fans around. On my right was a 16 year old girl who almost fainted from the heat, the shoving, the lack of air and water, the limited space to stand and other forms of abuse from other fans. On my left was a young girl who didn't have enough feet space and almost fell (which if it did happen, it would be fucking catastrophic) and was also suffering from the pushing, the heat and other forms of abuse. I felt like I had to be there to take care of them, prevent them from literally fainting and dying. I fanned and blew cool air to the girl on my right and constantly checked on both the girls between songs or whenever the shoving and pushing got really bad. They survived the whole fucking concert and I hope that they will do the same to others as I did to them if they attend more gigs in the future. And I emphasise on the word 'if' because the whole chaotic atmosphere in that hall with all the physical injury and emotional trauma experienced there actually scared nice gig goers from future concerts and that is truly a fucking shame.

Tip #3 : Say the three magical words; please, sorry, and thanks. If I bumped into your arm, sorry will be the first word out of my mouth, whether you heard it or not with the music and crowd. If I needed to hold onto you for support, I would say please, followed by a thanks. I had to lean on the girl in front on me for support when the crowd was swaying to wherever Foster is at. I had to share foot space with the person beside me so I don't fall. I accidentally elbowed another girl in front of me while waving my arms in the air. I needed to rest my arms on the shoulder of the guy in front of me. I did all these without getting bitchstared because I used the three magical words. I am careful to not offend anyone during a gig because everyone's intentions of being there is to simply have fun. But not everyone was kind enough. You inconsiderate shit for brains people slammed your bodies into me, disabling my intake of air. You squeezed yourself between people, making everyone else to be restricted from movement. You hit my head again and again. You put your entire weight on me. And you did not even mutter a single word to me and actually stared at me. Where are your fucking manners, people? You are such a disgrace to the fan base.

Everyone was there for a little piece of Foster The People. What is the fucking point of going there you are constantly screaming and shouting while they are performing and talking? I paid money to listen to them talk and connect with the fans like we're best friends and hear them live after watching enough live performances on Youtube, not listen to your hormone induced screams whenever Foster speaks. So yeah, when I heard someone in the crowd said "Shut the fuck up, bitch. He's talking.", you have no idea how relieved I felt. I would've given that person a handshake for being so fucking awesome. Therefore, tip #4 shall be Shut the fuck up, bitch. This tip needs to be embedded in every fangirl's head. No one paid to hear how hot Foster is at a concert. No one cares how you want Pontius to be gift wrapped and placed under your Christmas tree. No one needs to hear about your sexual frustrations and how you wish to be impregnated by Foster. Basically, no one fucking buy tickets to hear fangirls in concerts. Unless you're going to shout something like "I love your music!", "You guys are fucking awesome!" or "Foster The People JYEEAHHH", you should really just shut the fuck up. Mostly for your own safety because I might hit someone someday if I hear that kind of crap again. And also, because it just pisses me off because for a band that actually produces pretty good music and is actually really good live, it just fucking sucks to see a band get downgraded from a band that makes great music to a band that has a huge female fan base just because the band consists of good looking guys. It's like, their music doesn't even matter because they are cute and that is what that's making them so successful which is just fucking sad.

Don't you tell me I deserved all these shit because I chose to be in the Fanatic zone because this is not how a gig is supposed to be like. I have been to a few gigs and this is by far, the worst crowd I have ever came across. They robbed me from the experience of a fun gig and just, being a fan who is there to enjoy the music and the band. I got myself the Fanatic tickets because I thought that the people who would pay more than RM150 would probably be die-hard fans who love their music and are really there just to have fun. I thought the fangirls who will be there to also probably be fans of their music. I expected a crowd of happy giggers who love Foster and The People and we will all be a happy gigging family. We would crowd surf, synchonise our hand waves, cheer together and help each other out when someone is falling or fainting. I did not expect the crowd to be this vicious and bitchy. I did not expect the people to be so fucking inhumane. It was one thing to not be able to fully enjoy myself because I was busy trying to survive and helping others from falling to the ground. But to be surrounded by people who would do cruel things to another person just to get a better spot or view of the stage, it was just too much for my body. I looked out for the people who were initially around me before the gig after it ended. They were pushed behind and shoved to the other corner of the hall. People stole the FTP buttons they pinned on their tops. They were exhausted and tired. This gig drained my hopes and faith in the fan base and the entire fucking human species. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with these people who call themselves fans. No fan would do this to another fan. We love the same band. We share the same passion for the same music. It was just fucking insane.

I have never felt so shitty after a gig. I felt so disgusted and nauseated by the people. I couldn't speak to anyone until after I got out of the hall. I was a mixture of anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment and all the other shitty emotions you can think of. No proper gig would affect a person this way. I constantly talked to Vanessa about the crowd because if I stopped to reflect on the events that took place that night, I would actually start crying. When I woke up in the morning yesterday, the misery and disappointment I felt was so intense that I can't even remember the last time I felt this way. I don't think I'm ready to attend another gig after experiencing so much emotional trauma. I can't even bring myself to put my Torches album into my CD player because it hurts so much. The only song I can listen to from them right now is Ruby because that is the only good memory I got from the concert.

It's really sad that I have to associate the whole experience with Foster The People because they were amazing on stage. They had so much energy and if I wasn't in the Fanatic zone, I would've really enjoyed myself. Foster The People needs to come back down here so I can delete this negative memory that will be connected to them and recreate a new and better one.

Sigh.

An Open Letter To Foster The People

2012-01-14T08:34:00.001+08:00

Dear Foster The People,

I would like to sincerely apologize on behalf of the irresponsible fans in the Fanatic Zone and the fans in general when you toured in Malaysia yesterday.

Guys, I love your music and I love you as a person. Therefore, I am terribly sorry that fans were constantly shouting "Mark Foster, I love you!" and "Pontius, you are so hot!" while you guys were performing. It felt like a competition of who shouts their affections and urges to fuck you louder instead of really listening and enjoying your music. I have to admit, I was a little embarrassed to be in the crowd when they were screaming and gushing over your hotness when you were introducing Broken Jaw. You were trying to connect with the crowd by telling the back-story of Broken Jaw (how it was a hard time for you and all that) and the fans (mostly fangirls) were more interested in proposing to you from the crowd. I promise, I didn't join in the 'I love you' screams although I really do love you guys. That's why I am writing this to you and I hope you'll read it. Because I am not trying to get into your pants, but because I love you guys and respect all of you as people who inspire commoners like me to continue to live and breathe music.

I am sorry for the way the crowd acted in Fanatic Zone. Frankly speaking, this was one of the worst crowds I have ever been in. The fangirls were vicious and self-centered. They were pulling hairs and almost yanked my bra and top off. I wish I was kidding. I even heard about an incident during your concert that a girl fainted and people didn't stop to give a fuck but instead, ignored her existence and trampled on her. When I heard about it, I was truly disgusted by the crowd. The crowd was pushing and didn't give the front row enough space that the front row fans couldn't literally breathe. Their chests were smashed against the metal barricades and they couldn't even catch their breaths. Mark Foster, you even told the fans to stop pushing towards the stage. That was really nice of you to do that because it got so bad that you actually noticed and I appreciate it. But it didn't really last long because it got worse after that. I've never experienced such a scene in my years of attending gigs. I saw many gig virgins there and they said that this will be their first and last gig, which is just a shame because some gigs are just fan-fucking-tabulous if the crowd was kind and awesome enough. I'm sorry because of how uncivilised and selfish the fans acted yesterday.

Sean and Isom, I am so sorry that the fans didn't know who you were. One of the fangirls asked me why is that hobo playing the guitar instead of Foster. No words could express how I wanted to answer, 'What the fuckery fuck? That's Sean.' but I didn't. I told her your name and she nodded like she didn't really care about your name. She was the same girl who had a fucking orgasm when she got a drumstick (yes, a drumstick. One drumstick. How useful.) that Mark Pontius was holding and using it to play the drums. I hope you hear me sighing through the Internet right now because I am sighing as I type this. I'm so sorry that the fangirls are not aware of your contributions to the band because I really believe that you guys are already part of Foster The People.

Also, I was glad that you guys were offstage when this happened. A child (she probably just started menstruating for all I know) screamed at the top of her lungs that she loves you, Foster and she would love it if you would impregnate her. See, there's a difference with having thoughts like that (which I do, to be honest) and screaming it out loud at a concert. Foster, I love you as a person and as a musician but I wouldn't go up to you and voice out my sexual frustrations upon our first introduction. I do it here, in my blog because it's for me alone but if I meet you, I will not say things like that anyway because you are a person with feelings and I would be fucking offended if someone came up to me and tell me how I am so fuckable and how I should have his babies. Because I am not a sex object and neither are you. It's just fucking disrespectful, to make things short and I am sorry that she degraded you to that level.

Foster, I'm sorry that the fans couldn't share the love you have for Ruby. I was a little shocked when you left the stage the first time without singing Ruby because I was really anticipating a live version of Ruby after listening to crappy recorded-at-concerts versions and the studio version. To hear fans in the crowd asking among themselves the title of the song you were singing, that just broke my heart. In fact, I think the only person (if not, one of the few) who was singing to Ruby while waving my phone in the air with flickers of blue, red and white lights. I hope you saw me because you sounded the best during Ruby.

However, you guys really gave your all in the concert. If I wasn't busy worrying about where I should be putting my foot, trying not to die, looking out for other fellow fans who are a virgin at this and needs protection from a senior gigger like myself and trying not get dry humped (which I did experience), I would've enjoyed your performance. I would've allowed Helena Beat to be the song I sang the loudest and I would join in with the shuffling dance, Foster. I would've displayed my own dance moves that has never seen daylight to the world because it has only been done in the four walls of my room and you guys would have been impressed by it. The crowd really ruined my gig experience with you guys and you have no idea how fucking shitty, disappointed, frustrated and sad I felt after the gig. I was looking forward to meeting you guys for months and to have my mood destroyed by the crowd, it kinda made me cry a little after the gig, okay? I was that disappointed.

I just hope you guys will come back soon. However, you won't be seeing me at the second row anymore. I'll be loving your music and dancing to myself at the back, where I have ample of space to shuffle and wave my arms and phone in the air.

Take care and continue to make music like you always do.

The fan who was waving her phone with red, blue and white lights,

Sue Fyenn

Always.

2012-01-10T22:16:00.000+08:00

9gag. Everyone's heard of it or are avid readers of that picture/meme blog. I am not an addict to that website but I do visit once in a while. Please be noted that I am not trying to be a party pooper or spoil the fun everyone's having in that site but I just need to express my thoughts about certain topics that are brought up there.

'Bitch, make me a sandwich' and 'The kitchen = the place where girls belong', two of the many sexist quotes in that site. I think you can see where I'm going now so don't be all "Pshh, what a kill joy" when you finish reading this. You're free to leave any time you want. Remain living in ignorance.

So. You're still here? Well, then. I will continue. Truthfully, I'm a little bit of a feminist. I think I've read enough literature books regarding gender inequality to understand the hardships women have to undergo to obtain freedom back when male dominance was thick in the air. I could feel myself throw up in my own mouth when I read about how women are treated as subordinates and are marginalised by others just because they refuse to back down when they realised that the lives that are controlled by their husbands, brothers or fathers are the lives they do not wish and decide to pursue the lives they desire. I would also like to make it clear that I'm not that kind of feminist who say things like, "We don't need men to fetilise our seeds!" or "We don't need men to attain happiness in life!". Men and women need each other and I understand that. I just believe that women should be given equal respect as you would give other men and shouldn't be taken for granted and that women should have their own rights of deciding the terms they wish to be in.

Therefore, to see comments like, "She knows where she belongs" and with so many people (including females) clicking 'like' on it makes me feel a little sad, that the hard work women and men put into attaining the empowerment women have achieved in the past centuries could (and possibly, would) just go to waste because of such light women are presented in now. Imagine, all the riots, strikes and sacrifices both women and men have done last time to obtain the freedom the women are enjoying now just ends up going to waste because of the way the community takes things for granted. Sure, everyone's laughing and enjoying the meme now but eventually, it won't be so funny anymore when women are slowly repressed again, when everything takes a back turn.

People don't seem to remember that the Internet is now accessible to the young and old. I'm not worried about the old or the people who are old enough to filter information from the Internet. It's the young that I'm worried about. The children who have been exposed to the incredible technology we have today. The children who get iPads and iPhones for Christmas and the ones whose childhood will be surrounding a computer. We have seen how sexualised the younger generation are due to the exposure of sexualised contents like music videos, songs, lyrics, movies, etc. They blindly follow whatever they see and hear because they did not experience the kind of lives we had; the ones when Hillary Duff sings about unrequited love or when 'N Sync and Backstreet Boys were the next-door-neighbour guys we adore. So, when we're presented with a meme that jokes about how women belong in the kitchen, we know that it shouldn't be taken seriously. However, it won't be the same for the children today. They don't have the kind of childhood or life we had because this is their childhood. They have Rihanna who is happy baring everything on camera and Katy Perry who has whipping cream shooting out from her bra. And we can already see evidence from acts like these; videos of young children kissing and groping each other and pictures of young girls wearing skimpy outfits. So, when they see memes like these and how everyone laughs and 'likes' it, they will assume that this is a normal and girls should make them a sandwich because they are girls. They can't differentiate which is good or bad information because they have nothing to compare it with. And what do you think will happen after that?

I understand if the younger generation laughs at these because they are young and do not have enough knowledge. I can't blame them for this. But my generation - the people who shared my kind of childhood should just stop and think about what exactly they are laughing about. You are old enough now. So, tell me, what exactly is so funny about the 'Women are like fridges. They belong in the kitchen.' jokes. Because all I'm sensing is that you are laughing at the insignificance of the role of women. Seems to me that the silent laughter in your heart, the comments you post and the 'like' button you clicked on symbolises that you actually agree that women are the subordinates to men. That we should just remain domesticated and do not need to bother pursuing our dreams and ambitions. That we should depend on men to provide for the family. That we should stay dependent on others because we are unfit and unqualified to decide the kinds of lives we want to live. That we should live like how women lived back then; deprived from the rights we deserve and have today. In Athens, women had no citizenship because they are born with a vagina instead of a penis. Women were deprived from the rights to vote because they can support another human being in their bodies, no rights to publish a book and were forced to be published under a male pen name so the society would read their work with an unbiased heart, not given the privilege to attain education because of their backward theory that women will go insane if they were exposed to difficult subjects. Because they were women.

You might think that I'm overreacting and just plain irrational because this is just for laughs and I shouldn't take it seriously but I am not going to just sit here and watch everyone else laugh about how I should make sandwiches for guys just because I am a woman. How would you react if I expect you to fix my car and everything else at home and support me and my kids just because you are a guy? I don't, if you were already going 'Fuck, that's what all women expect of us!'. Sorry, dude. I don't expect anything from you because you're a guy. If you can fix a car, then I will call you because you can fix a car, not because you're a dude. Saying that women belong in the kitchen is just like saying men belong in the garage.

I quote a very close friend, "I think popular culture - music, movies, TV, books, mags, games, Internet - are an amazing reflection of a particular civilization's value system and what we stand for as a collective." Our pop culture is, to be honest, pretty shitty for women. In fact, I believe that the degradation of a woman's worth in the society based on perspectives and ideas of women presented in the mainstream is worse than ever right now. And this really saddens me. I'm not a big ass activist. I'm just a person who is equipped with a computer, an Internet connection and a blog. And I hope that this can make a difference. Even if it changes the opinion of just one person, I'm happy enough.

Bow.

2012-01-07T03:33:00.001+08:00

Foster The People is in less than a week. 5 days, to be exact.

Everyone, wave your arms in the air sideways because Foster says so.

I AM EXCITED, IF YOU CAN'T TELL FROM ALL THE LETTERS BEING CAPITALISED. I'M PRACTICALLY SCREAMING AT THE INTERNET.

I am ready to be entertained, guys.

Aspect.

2012-01-02T14:43:00.002+08:00

Blog descriptions, I was never a fan of it. Why? I'm not really sure but it's probably because it just feels weird describing myself. I wouldn't know if the description of myself is who I really am or perceive myself to be. I like the idea of being random but it doesn't mean I'm really a person who randomly does things. They say that it is you who knows yourself best. I hardly agree with that, really. Because I can't explain my own feelings, thoughts and actions sometimes.

A couple of days ago, I had the urge of putting up a blog description. I rounded up a few friends to do a description of me as a blogger and as a person in general. At that time, it seemed like the right thing to do; get a couple of people to do the work I am uncomfortable of doing. I just needed to cut and paste their descriptions into a section and voila, a blog description. However, I woke up today and decided that I am not going to go through with a blog description. The idea of narrowing people's perception and views about me with a blog description felt silly. I have a whole blog to allow people to imagine the person I put out to the world and I decided to restrict their minds from seeing me the way they wish to see me with a blog description.

Eddie Vedder had the same concept too when his band, Pearl Jam refused to make music videos for their songs.

“Before music videos first came out, you’d listen to a song with headphones on, sitting in a beanbag chair with your eyes closed, and you’d come up with your own visions, these things that came from within. Then all of a sudden, sometimes even the very first time you heard a song, it was with these visual images attached, and it robbed you of any form of self-expression."

Eddie Vedder

I have been blogging for years and I believe that readers have developed a vague image of me as a blogger and a person in their minds now. To create a blog description just makes my years of blogging and choice of opening myself up to the Internet pointless and meaningless. By blogging and not restricting this blog from strangers is allowing myself to be judged, however harsh it may be. Perhaps this blog has also changed judgments that were developed against me. I don't blog to justify my actions but to allow readers to understand and see the way I see everything. This is also where I am most honest with myself, despite the irony of the Internet being filled with deception.

And also, am I really so one-dimensional that I can be described as a person and a blogger with just a blog description that contains so little words? I hope not and I do not wish to project that kind of image.

Little.

2012-01-01T01:44:00.000+08:00

So. 2012. Right.

Honestly speaking, I never understood the reason why people would rather go out partying and do the countdown in a place that is crowded with thousands of strangers, sweating and rubbing their sweaty bodies on you while you're struggling to have some feet space so you won't trip and fall on your front. I just can't comprehend when they say it's 'fun' or 'cool'. Celebrating the new year with strangers by counting down the seconds to another year is not 'cool'. It's just..insignificant. Sure, friends will be there and all but it's just not the same with sitting around with friends and reminiscing the entire year with a cup of coffee or ice cream while waiting to usher in the new year.

I think I've brought this up in the past. Oh well, who cares. I feel crappy right now and I think I should share the spirit with everyone else.

I hate to sound pessimistic but the new year feels like a lie. A huge lie that everyone believes in. The whole 'hope the next year will be a better year' thing. One, hope? If hoping is going to change the year to be a better one, we wouldn't need to slave around books and learn something that has no guarantee that you will get a job or a good future once you obtained enough qualifications to step into the working world. Two, why wait for another year to have a better life? If you want to have a better year, you can start working on it right at that moment you realised you've been living a sucky life or the next day. Why realise that you had a sucky year and then 'hope' for a better year the day before the year ends? It's a bunch of fucking lies to comfort their souls and make them feel assured over nothing.

And now, the topic of resolutions. I will admit that I was once into making resolutions each year. Because I was young and being young means you have no free will and you have to succumb to the pressures of the society and peers. When they make resolutions, you have to do the same because you need to fit it. Or you'll be a weirdo and have no friends. I digress. So anyway, resolutions. If you want to change for the better, whether to be healthier or happier or achieve something like learning to swim (like me) or wash your car, you don't need to wait a whole year to do it. If you want to be, let's say, prettier, you march into a shop that sells cosmetic and fake eyelashes that instant, woman. You learn to swim this minute, mister. Go on, jump into that puddle of mud and flap your arms like an eagle filled with pride. And if I decide to make resolutions like say, on the 3rd of January, does it mean that this resolution less important? Because it wasn't officiated by chants of numbers backwards and display of fireworks on the 1st of January?

I just..don't get what's the big deal about the new year. If it was me, I would celebrate new year's eve because I know what shit I've gone through and yet, have managed to overcome all problems for another year. If you're celebrating the new year because you're made it through another year and feel good about it, then I can relate. But when people are mindlessly counting backwards towards another year, it feels like they are just anticipating the changing of one (or perhaps, two) digits of the year, from 2011 to 2012. Just different digits. Nothing more. And they all go back to their old habits, never really changing.

I'm not sure if this is a hypocritical post but..*breathes out a heavy sigh*..still feel as shitty as I did when I started the post. Gonna read my book about anti-consumerism and alter-globalization now. Because today's just like any other day.

Date.

2011-12-30T09:01:00.002+08:00

Love the snow in Youtube. Makes every video (especially this one) all fuzzy and warm.

Snow snow snow!

Clouds.

2011-12-29T19:24:00.004+08:00

It's nice to feel belonged, whether you can see the physical shape of the members of a group such as a school band or friends or an Internet community where you can only feel their presence.

I found this in a John Green novel I borrowed from the Sunway University library. Opening the book with this falling out and floating onto my floor makes the whole experience of being a nerdfighter a little more amazing. This gives me a little more hope for the Internet community. The nerdfighter who left this note in the book didn't know the person who will stumble on this note but yet, she (based on her beautiful handwriting I can never achieve) leaves it anyway, hoping to make a fellow nerdfighter's day.

I guess that is what makes an Internet community a little more special. It transcends everything physical; the places we live in, the schools we go to, the food we eat, the Gods we pray to, the clothes we wear, etc. Identity and social status means nothing. All that matters is we share interest in the same things and in this case, we watch Vlogbrothers on Youtube and have the same passion for books, music, philosophy, etc. with John and Hank and are always there for each other, regardless of what or who you are.

Nerdfighteria, to me, felt too surreal to actually exist because this is the same group of people who actually created a well filed with clean water for the people in Haiti. Nerdfighteria helps small entrepreneurs in different continents and countries to expand or simply start a business to sustain theirselves by leading them money through Kiva.org. Nerdfighters come together for a sole purpose of decreasing worldsuck and change lives.

I'm gonna keep this because it is a very special note and I feel as if this was intended to be for me. I'll leave a note for the next nerdfighter and make him or her feel the same way I felt when I saw this note.

"Although the population of Nerdfighteria is scattered internationally, the citizens have united numerous times to decrease worldsuck through super secret projects, other charitable events, scavenger hunts, video montages, happy dancing, and gatherings."

Urban Dictionary

Nerdfighteria is a Utopian community that consist of beautiful people and they really are made of awesome.

DFTBA, guys.

Jet.

2011-12-27T23:58:00.001+08:00

I love the moustache from my previous post. It makes me look so sexy and irresistible. *smirks* The moustache and I will be taking a walk together under the sun soon, I hope. Would love to see the expressions of random strangers when they see a black patch of fur on my face.

It's been a while since I discussed anything from the Shameless Meme. So, here it is.

Expose something messy or dirty you’d usually hide.

Well, this is pretty easy because I rarely hide the nitty gritty details if you are brave enough to ask me. Since you asked about it, meme, I shall graciously provide you with the information you desire.

One. I don't wash the clothes I've worn until I've worn it about 4-5 times. That is, if they're not perfumed with my sweat or decorated with streaks of mud or food stains. If I've gone to the mall with friends, the clothes I've worn will not end up in the washing machine but on my chair (because I'm such a lazy ass to fold it or hang it up in my cupboard). This is not as disgusting as it looks because if it still smells like your floral detergent and it has no dirt on it, why wash it? I mean, it would be like washing your blanket everyday because you've used it the night before, which none of us actually do right? What, you do? You weirdo. You should really check your hea- washing machine. It's probably exhausted from washing all the clothes and washable fabrics that don't need washing because you're sucha clean freak.

Two. Note that I did this during my STPM exam period which lasted for about a month. I don't do this anymore (or do I..? *evil laugh*). I didn't take baths on a daily basis. Okay okay. You may shun me now but whatever. So I didn't take baths everyday okay? Big fucking deal. I took baths 2-3 days once because I needed to study the fuck out of my soul. So I didn't wanna waste twenty minutes of my precious time plus, five extra minutes to dry and comb my long hair (because you gotta have extra TLC when it comes to long hair). So, I just didn't bathe. And even if I did take a bath, I don't wash my hair. Usually on the third day, my hair would be super greasy (you can actually see my hair shine and shit) and I can feel the grease whenever I touch my hair. That's the bell for me to wash my hair. Gosh, the thought of greasy hair reminds me of those awful days.

Three. The Five-Second Rule. This is some legit shit right here. It has its own Wikipedia page, okay? That is gonna be my answer to everyone who gave me the stink-eye when I eat food that had contact with the floor.

People : Ewww, dude. It's dirty. Don't touch it.
Sue Fyenn : Five-second rule, hello? Go read it up. Wikipedia has an article about it. *picks up food and munches on it*

So yeah. I do this almost all the time. Of course I don't pick up food off the toilet floor. My food would be soggy, duh. But if the surface is dry and looks clean, then the five-second rule applies. Because I care for the poor and would not like them to be rummaging in my trash for food. That would give them a tummy ache. And that would be bad.

I am a shameless person who publicizes everything on the Internet, including her dirty habits. Damn, I'm good.

Jewels.

2011-12-26T18:21:00.001+08:00

I may be a day late but it's the thought that counts, right?

Merry Christmas.

I'm a male reindeer, if you were wondering.

Quest

2011-12-23T17:36:00.000+08:00

I went upstairs to grab my phone but I ended up coming out from my room with a mirror.

So this is where the real reason I'm blogging starts. I have been wanting to go to every shopping mall possible to judge their Christmas decorations. This quest of mine has been silently bugging me since I was sixteen and I can finally say I've done it. So, yay to crossing out 'see every mall's Christmas decorations and decide which is the best' out of my To-do list.

Onwards with the pictures then!

I first started this quest of mine right after my exams. My first shopping mall was AEON Bukit Tinggi. Well, it wasn't that awesome (I expected that) but it wasn't that crappy either (I expected that too). There were branches without leaves with lights hanging on it. What peculiar looking branches they were.

It didn't look thaat bad. Oh, wait. They reused a huge bunny that was seen during Chinese New Year for Christmas. Kudos, AEON Bukit Tinggi for your lack of creativity.

Next, I brought along a friend who was willing to walk around Kuala Lumpur just to look at Christmas decorations with me on Wednesday. We had fun right, Leticia? Right? Oh, don't you roll your eyes at me now! Fun fun fun!

When we got off the monorail at Bukit Bintang, we entered Sungei Wang Plaza. No pictures because it was horrible. The decorations were poor (the Christmas trees looked pathetic) and the entire plaza is so messed up that we couldn't find a door to get us out of there. Shame on you, Sungei Wang Plaza for not having the Christmas spirit. I shun youuu!

We entered Lot 10 but nothing much too. I guess, it's because we couldn't find the main area where a whole Christmas park would be built (maybe it doesn't exist). But it wasn't as bad as Sg. Wang Plaza. At least they were playing Christmas songs and the Christmas trees looked grand.

Next, Fahrenheit 88. Okay, they were pretty good. They had reindeers and a sleigh near the entrance. Leticia and I wanted to jump into the sleigh and take pictures and sing Christmas carols but one creepy looking guard was creeping on us. So, meh. But their gazebo looked mighty nice. There was an eyeless bunny there (what's with bunnies this year?) and Christmas trees surrounding the gazebo. And there were Christmas songs blasting in their speakers so, yay!

Pavilion KL. I LOVE PAVILION KL. One because their Christmas decorations are fucking boss. I remember visiting Pavilion KL back in 2005 or 2006 and their theme was White Christmas. The entire shopping mall was white and crystally and amazing. Huge white Christmas trees were everywhere and fake snow was strewn on the ground. Their decorations are fucking class, I tell you. It's like you've entered into a whole new magical world. This year is no different. I love shopping malls who invest their money in decorations. It makes people like me so happy.

Two because there was a United Buddy Bears exhibition outside Pavilion KL. There were easily 120 bear statues outside Pavilion KL and it looked so damn beautiful. I love it when there are exhibitions like these in Malaysia because the only other time you can see exhibitions like these are through your computer screens.

Each bear represents a country in the United Nations.

United States Of America

Ireland

Next mall : Mid Valley. I always have high expectations for Mid Valley because their decorations are always one of the best I've ever seen. This year though, not so good. It looked pretty boring. I think they were trying to achieve an Alice-In-Wonderland kind of Christmas themed decoration but kinda missed it.

Finally, Sunway Pyramid. I like it. There were fake (obviously) moose hanging around and sleighs for everyone to sit on.

After all that walking and hunting for good decorations, we end up being stranded at the train station for almost an hour. Leticia and I were too tired to be fighting with other women for feet space. Women can be so violent sometimes, when it comes to getting their way. They were pushing and slamming everyone against the walls and doors just to enter the train. It was pretty hilarious to be watching them shouting and cursing in their mother tongue (I don't know what they were saying but it sounded pretty mean) while we were sitting at the chairs. Leticia played Foster The People's Pumped Up Kicks on her phone and I started singing while waiting for the train.

Ahh, I love doing this.

Merry Christmas, y'all. :)

Away.

2011-12-20T01:16:00.000+08:00

So, what now? I'm done with my exams and I do not wish to contribute my services to the nation by working. Not yet anyway. After-exam life has been pretty good so far. Camps, catching up with friends, random outings, a guy whom I am really interested in getting to know better (he's real, not some celebrity or musician that I fantasize about), late night snacking and video watching, and just chilling out. People asked me whether I have decided on anything to occupy my nine months break (see: working) but honestly, I have nothing planned out yet. I just want to do the things I've been dying to do for a very long time. Like, learning to swim. I never took it up because I never had the courage and time to do it. I can't swim for nuts and I think I should get prepared for The End in case we all die due to massive tsunamis. At least I will have a small chance of surviving instead of what I have now. Nil.

I've noticed how I am a little more reserved to myself when it's almost the end of the year. I simply wrap myself in a blanket and spend an entire day, just reading and listening to music. I disconnect myself from the outside world by not going on the Internet and sometimes, just switching off my phone. I choose the friends I want to go out with. Just now, I played on the swing alone in the playground while it was drizzling. I don't know why but I guess, December is the month for myself. I become a little more quiet and a little more emo, as people would put it. I would feel really bad for declining meet-ups or hangouts if it was any other month but right now, I don't feel guilty for rejecting friends because I just need to take a break from everything after a year of constantly moving forward.

I'm getting tired and the weather's getting colder. I'm going to retire to my cave now.

Rust.

2011-12-09T11:01:00.006+08:00

Events that took place and needs to be blogged about because it is extremely important (like super fucking duper important) :

1) FTP's Don't Stop video is out (fi-fucking-nally!)

Hilarious video. I laughed so hard upon the first viewing. I laughed even harder upon second viewing.

And that's how my ovaries reacted when I saw that video because of its extremely high dosage of ridonkulousness. And purtyness.

2) I dreamed a chicken was on my face. And it pooped on me.

A very self-explanatory title that requires no description.

3) Last episode of Merlin Season 3 is finally here!

I can't wait to watch Prince Arthur get all broken and Merlin, like any other loving ~~wife~~manservant will help him restore his faith and aid in shaping his destiny.

Off topic :

Why are bromances so much more fun to watch? Sisterhood is so meh. I love bromances so darn much. I guess, it's because you get to see men at their weakest and fellow dudes will back him up when the female species can't empathise. Bromances are beautiful because a fellow dude just needs to be there to show support and they just..get it while sisterhood is all like, 'The bitch is going dowwnnnn! We are gonna make her regret for being born as a female."

Come to think about it, how are these even considered important? I should really set my priorities straight. Just seven more days until I can prioritise whatever shit I want whooo!

Cop.

2011-12-03T20:33:00.003+08:00

There are so many moustaches this week. Aaaaahhh.

"Hey there, ladies. I'm Hank Green. I have a moustache."

I'm so happy! :D

Procreate.

2011-12-03T03:55:00.011+08:00

Oh, look who decided to pop out of no where.

Hello, pimple that has chosen a very strategic place for its presence to be known; that is on the tip of my nose. You're making me look like that reindeer that is always teased by the other cooler reindeers. But no, I shall look up with pride! You will not bring me down. People might laugh and poke fun at me with you around but no more! And besides, just in time for Christmas, eh? I don't need to look for red noses to disguise myself as a reindeer this year.

________

I've always thought of myself to be an impulsive person. No, I'm not flattering myself since impulsiveness is not really a trait you should be proud. But you should be. Proud, I mean. Not impulsive. Wait..no, you should be proud that you're impulsive if you are impulsive. If you're not, then you should be. Impulsive, I mean.

Oh, gosh. I'm flattering myself now.

There is a very fine line between impulsiveness and spontaneity. I like to believe that I'm a little bit of both; like how I'm on that fine line and I can take a step to both sides anytime I want. Because I'm a brat like that. I don't get why people tend to view impulsiveness as a negative thing. Actually, I don't know what is that one factor that distinguishes between those two. People say being spontaneous is good while impulsive is all 'you have problems, dude'. But if you look up the definition, they're actually pretty much the same thing.

Gahh, I don't know where I'm going with this. I'll continue this post with sponpulsive because I can't decide if I'm impulsive or spontaneous now. I thought I was impulsive, then spontaneous. So, I'll be both. Tadaa.

I like buying CDs without much thought of the price. If I like a certain dress or bagpack, I will buy it. Because there's always a nagging thought that if I go there the next time to buy that CD/dress/bag/whatever, it will not be there anymore. Okay, you might be going, 'Ooh, this is impulsive'. Whatever. But, I remember that one time when I saw a CD and considered the price and then, decided not to buy it. On the way home, I felt like shit. It was such an uncomfortable ride home that I couldn't sit still because of that nagging thought haunting my mind. And yes, it ended up not being there the next time I visited. From that day, I told myself that if I see anything I like or want, I'll get it. No matter what the cost (of course I'm talking about a reasonable purchase. Because I won't go into Louis Vuitton and stomp my feet and say I want that RM5980239870 bag) is. Because to be feeling crappy and having mental battles is no fun. I've been there and I hate it.

But the thing is that despite people calling this as impulsive shopping, it's not. I like to believe that it's sponpulsive shopping. Yes, it is probably an impulsive purchase but I don't regret buying it later. I don't go telling myself what an idiot I was to buy a toy camera (which I did) that needs actual rolls of film because it felt right at that moment. Instead, I feel happy and good about it. Like how you would feel after doing something spontaneous with friends. For example, poking a stranger and running away. What I'm trying to say is that it's basically impulsive behaviour with spontaneous aftereffects. Sponpulsive!

However, I'm a little worried about how far I can go on with this. Sponpulsive shopping is one thing. What if I've done something permanent out of sponpulsiveness but regretting it later? I would totally cry a fucking river kay? Because that miserable feeling with forever be with me. Because I've done something permanent out of sponpulsiveness. Gah, why am I rephrasing whatever I've just said?

But yeah, I'm planning to do something permanent. But so many doubts in my head. Oh, wait. Is this premeditated sponpulsiveness? Because I've been considering and planning before going all sponpulsive? Premeditated sponpulsiveness. What a fucking oxymoron.

Why am I badgering myself with these concerns that have no benefits to me at the moment? I need to study. Gaaaahhh.

Loss.

2011-12-01T23:43:00.002+08:00

R.I.P., moustaches that has made a comfortable home on the upper lips of Foster The People. Can we all have a moment of silence here in honour of these glorious looking moutaches that has been with the boys for a month? Moustaches, you have brought happiness to the boys and joy to the FTP fandom. It has been a wonderful journey, moutaches but it's December now. I will remember those memories when you made me laugh my ass off whenever I see the boys' smiles with you residing happily on their faces. But, the time has finally come for us to part ways.

Guys, you have fostered those moustaches well. You should be proud of yourselves.

I have a sad now. Be right back while I mourn over the loss of these magnificent moustaches with tears trailing along my face, making my fake moustache damp and soggy.

_______________________

//Breaking News

Pontius has decided to keep his mo' until after Christmas.

I AM A HAPPY GIRL LALALALALA.

New.

2011-11-30T02:53:00.000+08:00

I know I'm supposed to be asleep now but the Internet beckoned with open arms. And when it does, you answer it.

Ya'll hear me?

You know what totally shocked the shit out of my pants yesterday? When I found out it was a Wednesday. I thought it was a Tuesday whut. I almost had a heart attack because it's a day lesser from my other History paper.

And we all know you should never mess with History.

I should look at the calender more often now. No more stalking Mark "Cockblocker" Foster because he's totally messing with my mojo.

Also, wearing pads during my menstrual cycle reminds me of my diaper days. Not that I actually remember those warm occasions where I strut in a diaper but wearing a pad kinda gives me the non-existent memories of those diaper days. As if that makes any sense. Like, when I wear a pad and I walk around the house at 2:30am, that plasticky-pad-rubbing-against-your-skin sound is very loud since there's nothing else turned on but the fan and me.

Whoops.

But anyway, I bet half of you don't know how the sound of a pad against the skin is like. Well, imagine a baby with diapers on and it's running around the house. Can you hear that diaper? Yeah, that sound.

GAAAHHHH so much rage! Why does it have to make such sounds? It reminds me of babies. And I'm not fond of babies (as seen by the usage of 'it' *points up* as a pronoun because babies look asexual when they're born).

I am so mad that it makes me want to flip over a basket full of fruits. GUHHH.

Such irritating noises should not exist.

Say.

2011-11-29T17:43:00.002+08:00

I tend to have interactions with myself. Most of the time, I talk to myself. This morning, I was telling myself how the water is so cold and I don't want to take a cold bath. And I started to rationalise with myself on how I have no time for these petty problems and told my hands to just pour cold water over my head. Then, I answered back, "The water is so darn cold and it's making my muscles ache. Aaahhh." Then - well, you probably get the picture. It was a two way conversation with myself in the bathroom, with a water scooper filled with cold water in my hand.

And then I started to giggle in the bathroom.

I know people talk to themselves in their minds most of the time but I like to verbalise the conversation in my head. Like, how I tell myself, "Dude, chill. Read the questions. It's not rocket science. You can do this because you've studied. Think, woman. Think!" in the exam hall. Then, I will look to my sides to check if anyone heard me. I feel secure and better when I talk to myself because when I can hear myself comforting myself, it feels real. I like it when I have myself to back me up, especially during the worst times. Because you will stop at nothing to help yourself to get through.

You are your best cheerleader, support group, motivator and friend.

It is never a one sided point of view because when I talk to myself, two sides of me (sometimes three) will start debating and we will finally decide on the best option. I sound like I have multiple personalities or something. I do (I think everyone does) and it's not a disorder (hopefully). I think it's not a disorder as long it's good for you.

I'm reminding myself that Merlin is about to start and some Prince Arthur viewing is always good for the mind and soul.

P.S. December is just a day away. Christmas warmth, come to me!

Jaw.

2011-11-23T08:58:00.002+08:00

After that dreadfully miserable post, I can say that I am okay right now. Music and friends are helping me to cope with my rollercoastery emotions during this exam period. Foster The People has been a great source of comfort. Their music, the members, the videos of them. I don't actually know how many times Torches has been played on both my CD player and iPod but it is safe to say that I am not bored of the songs (or them) and it gives me a sense of calmness and inner happiness. After my first paper on Monday, I jumped into my dad's car without a second glance at the people who were discussing the paper and listened to FTP. I don't know how or what their music contains that just makes me feel like, 'Yeah, I am alright. Everything will be okay'.

I studied until about 4am this morning, slept at 5am-ish and woke up at about 7.30am. And the best part is that everything is going to be okay. So what if I have a paper later? Everything will work out just fine.

Getaway.

2011-11-20T13:18:00.000+08:00

I'm typing as I feel. No plannings, no edits.

I need some time out. I want to escape from living a mundane life and just, go somewhere unknown for a while. Life that it is right now, it doesn't give me the sense of satisfaction anymore. I feel burdened. I feel pressured to do something that I do not wish to do. This is not the exam-pressured side talking. This is the tired, exhausted and frustrated side talking.

Frankly speaking, I am just really tired of studying. I am tired of being a student. It's not that I have been studying my ass off. I don't even have the motivation to push myself to study, even now. The day before the exam. It feels like any other ordinary Sunday. A day to put a pause on the life I have, wrap myself in blankets and read a book with soothing Scandinavian music softly playing on my radio. I have never felt so uninterested in an exam, especially an exam this important. My parents told me, "This is the most important exam in your life" and all I did was shrug and continued to look out of the window of a moving car. Perhaps, my parents interpreted my silence as nervousness or worry. But I am not. I am not nervous or worried. I am just feeling unsatisfied as a human being. I hate living a life that traps me. I hate living a life that is a repeated routine of yesterdays.

I went to the playground to temporarily get rid of burdened emotions. I sat on a swing for a very long time and swung in a constant velocity and momentum. Not too high, not too slow. And with music in my ears, I simply took in the nature and the surroundings. I felt my shoulders relaxing. I started to give out heavy sighs and it feels as though negative emotions are seeping out of my body. The wind in my face felt familiar. Like that time when I was a kid. The feeling of floating in the air as I closed my eyes to the world and just feel my body being lifted up from the ground. I was happy. I smiled and laughed to myself while swinging with other children. When my feet touched the ground again, I felt miserable again. I hate gravity for having my feet fixed on the ground.

I hate it.

You would be thinking to yourself now, 'She's making excuses now so that when she gets crappy results later, she won't blame herself for not studying. She can blame it on the world'. I won't try to change your mind. I won't say you don't understand what I am currently going through because I am different, yadda, yadda. But this year has been the one of the worst years of my life. I thought I have grown out of apathy and have began to experience life the way it should be experienced but clearly, it has not really gone away. I am still unstable. I feel huge amounts of happiness and glee when I am happy. I put myself in the darkest pits and numb myself when I am unhappy.

Perhaps I am a little bipolar. I should get it checked.

But if I really could, I wouldn't mind jumping on board some random bus, tour with artistes and be their water girl or their shoe lacer. I just need to get out of this kind of life. Just for a while.

I don't know how people in their fifties, or even in their twenties can continue living a life that is confined by the four walls of their houses, offices, halls, and classrooms. I don't know how I'm going to live a life like that when I am older.

I should get going. I am not going to do the exams for the sake of just finishing it. I am going in the hall and give all I have in every single paper. Because that is only fair for my parents who have also sacrificed a lot for me to reach this point. I'm doing this for them now. No longer for myself.

Point.

2011-11-16T09:19:00.003+08:00

I just need to express my gratitude to Foster The People for deciding to tour around this region where huge bands usually ignore. It is rare for a band to be coming down while I'm still high on their album. Thank you for not abandoning your fans of this region.

I'm trying to sound as calm as possible. Because I don't think screaming at people with excessive usage of caps lock and exclamation marks will create a good image to my professional self. Because I'm a calm and composed fan.

So, my progress with the challenge has been good so far. I've been studying. I've studied a lot more in these two days than I have been studying in the past month. And that, deserves a round of applause from the blogosphere. *bows* Thank you, thank you.

So, I should continue with my challenge. I need to fuck STPM in the ass and to do that, I need enough knowledge. And very good crapping skills. Because that is how I've been getting out of trouble. And of course, this situation is no different. I am going to extricate myself from this shitty condition with my almost-perfect crapping skills. And still ace it.

AAAAHHHHHH THEY ARE COMING I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST I LOVE YOU ALL TWO MARKS, A CUBBIE, AN ISOM AND A SEAN :D

*clears throat* Sorry about that. I tried to resist.

One.

2011-11-14T00:13:00.003+08:00

Okay, this is my plan. I am going to do something that many will never dare to do and wave it away as insanity.

I am going to take up the challenge of finishing a year's worth of education in one week. And I am going to be excellent and golden during exams. And get badass results to prove to others that it is possible to study last minute for STPM and still ace like a boss.

Believe it or not, I am still calm and unfazed over the fact that STPM is in a week. 7 days. Something must be blocking my pituitary gland from triggering my body to release the hormones that are essential for the 'WTF Exams AHHHHH I'm gonna shit in my pants AHHHH' reaction. Which is, the most important aspect for me to be a master in digesting facts at one glance.

So, I need something to get my brain gears moving. And telling myself that I need to get perfect results to enter the course I want at the university of my choice has not been (and I doubt it will) working. Thus, the birth of this challenge where I study last minute, have pretty alphabets on my results slip and BOAST ABOUT IT HAHAHAHA. I know I am giving out proud-asshole vibes but forgive me. I am usually a nice person.

I just need to prove the theory I have been suspecting all along; that is Malaysian major exams are pwnable with last minute studying. And so far, I have been right. This shall be my last experiment to prove that my theory is actually valid.

Time to create history, baby.

Unveil.

2011-11-12T19:21:00.000+08:00

There's always a rainbow in places you least expect.

I don't want the world to be less awesome because I'm gone. I want the world to be awesomer because I was here.

Dice.

2011-11-11T18:00:00.005+08:00

I'm not sure if my dad is a really weird guy or a pure genius. He was playing with Dot and he randomly blurted, "We should make Dot the smartest cat in the world. We should get Dot to sit for the SPM exam. She doesn't need to pass. She just needs to sit for it. And we'll be the world's first family with a cat that has taken an exam." At that time, I was already choking on the food in my mouth. And he continued, "Cats have their own rights too. She's a Malaysian cat and have all the rights just like any other Malaysian. She has a Malaysian father and a Malaysian mother. And was born and still lives in Malaysia. She just needs to apply for a birth certificate and we can register her to sit for the SPM exam."

Maybe it sounds silly to many but I actually think he makes sense. There is nothing in the Constitution that forbids animals from obtaining birth certificates or identity cards. The Constitution only states the requirements one needs before applying to be a Malaysian citizen and it did not state that this only applies to human beings.

I gotta ask my General Studies teacher about this because this is too funny, especially when it's from my dad.

Green.

2011-11-07T15:12:00.004+08:00

I saw this guy in McDonald's lip syncing to a song while I was walking to the toilet. He was being all dramatic during the high pitched part of the song. Others around him were pretending not to notice but when I saw him, sitting by the window and doing weird gestures, I laughed to myself. And he saw me. He saw me laughing at him. And we made eye contact. I gave a quick smile. After peeing, I came out of the toilet and I saw him, looking at me. And when I walked back to my seat, I had a feeling that he was watching me walk away.

Too bad he didn't come over to my table and initiate a conversation. It would be a nice way to get to know someone new.

P.S. I have finally come to accept that Mark Foster is not a blonde. Many apologies, Mark.

Nickel.

2011-11-05T00:37:00.002+08:00

Before I start anything, imagine this scene. It's like those English cottages with a fireplace at the corner of the room. There are like, hundreds of books on the shelves behind me and a cat is curled up on the mat by my feet. I'm sitting comfortably on a leather chair, too engrossed with my hard cover book that has like 4342 pages. And you slowly walk towards me.

Okay?

Oh my, hello there! I didn't know you were here, in my private space that should only be for me. Thank goodness you didn't enter my imagination while I was thinking about Mark Foster and the many things I plan to do when I meet him. It doesn't involve much fabric between us, if you would like to know. But of course, you're not here to find out about those nitty gritty details.

Welcome to my humble abode that is my imagination. As you can see, it is not spacious because it occupies only one person (me) most of the time and occasionally, another person (usually Mark Foster) but he rarely comes here. He's mostly in the other room. Trying to find his clothes.

*clears throat*

As I was saying, it's such a surprise to find you here. You are one of the few who managed to enter this part of my imagination and since you're here, let me give you a quick tour to the other parts or rooms, as I call them. What, you're not interested in looking at the other sections of my imagination? I can assure you that it will be a very interesting tour because this is a pretty cool place to be in. It's mostly active during the day but it's not that boring at night either. Oh, you're sure you won't want to look around? Well, okay then. I was just about to show you the room where I store happy memories.

So, what can I do for you? Care for some hot cocoa? It's getting cold outside, just like what the weatherman said. Oh, so you are here because you're bored? Well, let me help you to continue procrastinating from the things you are suppose to be attending to. We can start playing Monopoly if you like but...*looks around*...I can't seem to remember which shelf I left the Monopoly on. Meh. No Monopoly then. I could entertain you with the stories I have.

So, November is here. I'm not exactly worried about the serious condition I'm suffering from; that is the lack of time and knowledge in my brain to face an exam that is in just 15 days. It feels like any other assessment test and we all know how we shade all four options on our answer sheets just for kicks during assessment tests. Mark! Where are your clothes? Can't you see we have a visitor here? Go put on some clothes and come back here to have some hot cocoa and some marshmallows. Where was I again? Okay, so yeah. Not feeling any tension at all. I remember the time when I was already shitting bricks in my pants a month before PMR and three months before SPM. But now, not a single brick. I'm not sure if I should be happy that I'm not suffering from a serious case of constipation or be terrified as fuck that I'm still as chilled as a cool cat.

OH MY GOSH, MARK. WHY AM I SMELLING SMOKE? YOU ARE GOING TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN. Excuse me while I save the other room from burning down. But you can stay here and enjoy the hot cocoa if you like. There are some marshmallows near the fireplace. Don't be shy and all that shit. Also, stay out of that room with the red door because that's where I store most of my horny stuff. So uhhhh, yeah.

MARK FOSTER Where are you! I'm coming!

Dainty.

2011-10-29T16:45:00.003+08:00

It's Blonde Post Day, ladies and gentlemen. Be warned, this post is fueled completely by hormones.

Blonde No.1 - Eric Christian Olsen

I'm not usually that kind of person who giggles over some cute guy on TV. Because well, there are many cute, topless guys on TV (See : 90210, teen-drama-series-with-lots-of-sex-and-booze) but I think it was destiny that brought him to me. I don't watch NCIS : Los Angeles because I don't think it's a show that is worth investing my time in. But it so happens that I was bored (yeah, isn't that always the case when you meet cute guys on TV?) and I saw him on TV. I saw him and he instantly grabbed my attention with his flirty smile and floppy hair. And his sense of humour. And he was carrying a gun (don't I just love men with guns?). While wearing some shirt that was totally made to make him body look so damn yum. So, mind you. He wasn't naked or by any beach doing that Baywatch slow mo run. He was an agent, saving the world while flirting with women and his partner with a really hot shirt on and gun by his side. And also, being very funny.

But that's not it. After that episode, I watched a movie on Diva Universal and guess who was the hot nephew who's a total flirt, sells cars like he's giving you his love, hilarious and has floppy hair? And I was like, 'Oh my gosh, hot blonde guy. I don't know what's your name but unggg, so hot'. Of course I watched the movie til the very last bit when he finally wins his true love and eats popcorn with Parmesan cheese with her. Isn't he eccentric? Parmesan cheese with popcorn. Okay, so it's his character but whatever. Still, he portrayed his character so damn bloody well that I told myself to send some gooey cheesed popcorn to him.

OH MY GOSH. How can I leave out the most important detail? He has the most amazing facial hair. Facial hair that is so amazing that I could just imagine him rubbing his face full of that sexy stubbles on my bod - uhm, yeah. He has incredible facial hair.

LOOK AT THE FACIAL HAIR UNG.

So, gooey popcorn. Is that it, you might ask? Of course not! I watched The Thing just now and again, guess who is the hot assistant to some douchey professor? C'mon, it's not that hard to guess. Okay, it's the hot blonde guy who I still don't have a clue what his name is. And I was in the cinema just staring at him wearing hot clothes (Fur coat and lots of thick sweaters. What did you think I was talking about?) and decided that this is destiny's work in progress.

And then I learned of his name. Eric Christian Olsen. Ung.

DESTINY. He is mine, bitchez.

Blonde No.2 - Mark Foster

Okay, firstly. He is a dirty blonde. He is. He might look like he has brown hair but he is a dirtay blonde. And I meant it both ways. Because I always imagine him doing dirty things to me with his lips and facial hair. Uhm, what?

I've heard Foster The People's album and I didn't like it at first but it's getting to me now. Just like how you need time to brew tea, listening to Foster The People and MGMT needs some brewing time. And they sound pwoah in the album and they are pwoah-er live.

I love this video because they sound so fucking badass here and also, hate this video for having an abrupt end.

Mark Foster. Looks so good with wet t-shirts. And wet hair. He makes my ovaries do a little jump whenever I see him all soaked in sweat. He needs to get wet and sweaty all the fucking time. Because he is bringing happiness to the world. And when the world is happy, there is no war. Mark Foster in a sweat soaked t-shirt has the potential to stop wars. See where this is going? I'm advocating peace in an unconventional manner. And Mark Foster needs to be my poster boy. With sweaty t-shirts. And hot shades. To protect his eyes from all the sun that is making him sweat that much, duh.

So hot. Ung. I want to see Mark Foster live. With Foster The People too. What, do I look like those kind of fan who would pay to look at hot, sweaty frontmen and not give two fucks about the music? My motto is always music first, hot members second. Always.

But Mark Foster. *grabby hands*

Indeed, I will.

Quaint.

2011-10-27T11:28:00.002+08:00

Spontaneity. It keeps life interesting and fun.

Like, when I decided to cut a fringe for myself last night.

You know when you reached that point when you have read enough of the Islamic wars and you just want some time out. And when blasting music while playing dress up in the room is not satisfying anymore, you pull out a pair of scissors and you start cutting off some hair.

Thus, I have documented this fantabulous event for everyone.

Picture No.1. The Before picture. Notice the face with no hair distracting my sight. Oh my, look at how much my skin has grown fairer. With the help of nothing, of course. My skin is such a magical thing.

Picture No.2. Wait, should I be giving a tutorial of the right way to chop off some hair? Onwards then! You must gather the fringe part of your hair that no longer resembles a fringe. You are adviced to use a comb to gather the fringe so you won't accidentally cut off sections of your hair that is not the fringe. Because cutting off sections of your hair that is not your fringe may result in regret, which you do not want to feel after your moments of spontaneity. That is a horrible emotion to feel.

Picture No.3. Use a scissors. And cut some hair off. The longer, the better. Look at me, posing with my hair that is not attached to my head like a trophy. It is your trophy. For being so darn awesome and having so much guts to cut your hair without a professional hairdresser by your side.

Picture No.4. The After picture. Look, ma! I has fringe to poke my eyes whenever the wind blows into mai face! Now imagine this picture with fireworks as the background. There were fireworks, because of Deepavali. See, even the people outside are proud of my achievement. I should've switched on my Christmas lights as an added element of yay!ness.

Now I have a fringe yay!

Stay dandy people!

Insight.

2011-10-26T19:39:00.000+08:00

This happened when I played Pokemon FireRed on my phone. A corrupted file of the Pokemon FireRed. I didn't dare to go further. Because I'm a chicken for worrying that my phone might explode or something, okay? But it was pretty funny when I first saw it. Until people warned me that it might be filled with viruses. That's when I stopped laughing.

Also, how the fuck am I to study with a weather that is not meant to be wasted by studying? I am waking up everyday, worrying that November is getting closer. November, stay the fuck away from me please!

I want to type more but my fingers are moving awkwardly from the cold weather.

Special Occasion, y'all.

2011-10-25T11:12:00.006+08:00

Dear Vanessa,

You know what day it is. I know what day it is. I think the Facebook community also knows what day it is. But I shall come back to that later. Because I'm sucha tease.

How long have we actually known each other? Two years? Jyeah, two years and it was all because of that Matt Bellamy singing 'Fucking Fucking Fucking Fucking Little Fucking Fucking Little Fucking Fucking Fucking Fuckers Jyeah' video. We should thank Muse for bringing us together after years of being in school but not quite knowing each other. Thank you, Muse for uniting fans from different computer chairs. Here's a piece of cheese for all the hard work.

I digress. So. Two years. It feels like I've known you since I was in diapers or something. Two years must've passed really slowly for some reason. Must be the sign of the Apocalypse. Oh, speaking of Apocalypse, Supernatural. Dean Winchester. Castiel. Sam Winchester. Yes? Yes? Yes. You made me love something that not only I can't grasp, but something that requires me to download from virtual space and use a pointer to feel the files. You made me love a show. I don't usually put all my effort in TV series. Music, yes. TV shows, not so much. Because shows need a lot of commitment and loyalty. Shows need you to sacrifice 8GB worth of Internet when I have a quota of 20GB. Shows require lots of patience and I don't have that much to spare. But yet, you got me so into the show that I actually dreamed of Dean Winchester trying to break into a barn house (I don't remember what I was doing but I bet I was a great help to Dean).

You've been an awesome buddy. A buddy of all sorts. A gig buddy. Remember that time when we ran a marathon to get money from the ATM and then realise that it's not a Sigur Ros CD? Good times, those are. An Internet buddy. Remember that time when you flood my inbox with emails of music and your obsession over Timothy Olyphant's sexy style of walking? Oh, that is all the time. *snorts* A listening buddy. Remember when I needed cheering up? And that time when you wanted to smack a certain someone who couldn't type proper English because it pisses you off? TV buddy. Remember the Royal Wedding? Remember how delectable Prince Harry was? And Rugby. All those time we were hanging onto our phones to text each other when one of us decides on Hot Man of The Match (Sonny Bill Williams is always in the top 3). And those tries. And blood. Music buddy. All those times when you expose me to new and good music. And your attempts to make me fall in deep love for folky music. And of course, a buddy buddy. Because we're buddies!

Here comes the cheesy part. Get it? Cheese? *points up* Cheesy? No? No? Okay.

All those years (2 years), we've gotten really close (really close). So close that we decide to share men (Misha Collins, James Franco, etc), music (Muse, Arctic Monkeys, etc) and stories (your supernatural stories, my bad breakup phase, etc). It's nice having a friend that I can talk to about anything and everything. And I love how you always give me something to anticipate by posting links on my FB wall or email me with stuff (I still have your OMG DAMON SALVATORE email in my inbox). You helped me in so many ways. Like, when I can't find download links. Or when I needed to ~~tell~~ scream to someone about how hot Joseph Gordon-Levitt is and how he needs to fly down here and hide in my cupboard with the littlest clothes possible. Or when I needed someone to criticise my essay writing skills. Or when I needed someone to give me a mature advice about everything. Or when I needed someone to talk about life and philosophies and religion and hot men and the Apocalypse.

So, you know what day it is. And I know what day it is.

Happy Birthday, dude. Happy 21st birthday. I shall be joining the twenties group with you next year. I will give you a physical gift when I am old enough to purchase things online with credit or debit cards. *hints* But for now, please accept this virtual gift. I wanted to make a mixtape for you but I'm guessing that whatever I've heard is something that you have already heard so it just beats the purpose of a mixtape. So, sorry for the lack of creativity for presenting you with an open letter. I sayang you a lot and many more years of friendship, I hope! Stay awesome forever and look our for hot men for the both of us, kays?

Here's Sonny Bill Williams looking hot with his tattooed arm and Dan Carter looking all bossy in a suit, being happy for your birthday. Oh, you guys. You need to come down here! You have loyal and horny fans waiting for both your asses!

Happy Birthday, Vanessa Lourdes Pereira. Hugs, kisses, and confetti yay!

With lots of love and mwah mwah,

Sue

Higher.

2011-10-23T21:00:00.000+08:00

Sticking Post-Its with quotes and lyrics on my cupboard.

Because I needed to find a way to procrastinate.

Hill.

2011-10-20T20:21:00.002+08:00

You will never find love until you mature and grow out of your ridiculous, childish self.

You might be enjoying the sensations of falling in love now but soon, you will wake up and you will run away from it. Because you have not dealt with your screwed up self and you will just continue to hurt the people who gets involved with you until you realise that you are the cause of the downfall of the relationships you have had (or tried to have).

Jealous? Perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not. But that doesn't make my words any less true.

Back.

2011-10-19T20:58:00.002+08:00

2-in-1 goodness. Rainbow ice cream and potato chips.

It's tasty. The soft ice cream and the crispiness of the chips. Everyone should taste this at least once in their lives.

Okay. I can strike off the 'eat whatever I fucking want' point off the Shameless List.

Happy Monsoon Season everyone!

Ride.

2011-10-18T21:09:00.007+08:00

Things that I have come to adore in the past few days (or weeks, whatever):-

1) RUG-fucking-BY

The greatest sport that has ever graced Astro Channel 816. The most badass sport that reminds me of the Romans being all gladiator and shit at each other and become all beer buddies after the game. LOVE IT. Also, because there are hot men running around in tights with blood on their sleeves. Such badasses. I like.

2) Teachers who are open about everything and anything

I asked my teachers today about their experience of delivering a baby/babies. They told me about how painful it is and how most women will end up with a stitched vagina because the doctor will slit the opening to ease the baby out. Okay. Firstly, someone is going to cut your vagina with a scissors or a scalpel so that a watermelon sized head can go through a hole the size of a lime. Secondly, stitched vagina. HOLY SHIT WHUT. *crosses legs tightly*

3) Younger guys

I have come to realise that younger guys are much hotter than guys my age. They wear hot clothes, have hot hair and hot hands, and use sexy smelling cologne. I was walking behind a younger guy in tuition and dude, he is hot. I need to find a hot younger guy. That won't be hard, judging by the fact that they are in abundance. In tuition, at least.

4) Pineapple jam tarts

The aunty who sells these sinful things has never tasted her own tarts because I've never seen her smiling. She needs some tarts shoved into her hole. Her mouth. I meant her mouth.

Things I don't adore:-

1) Stitched vagina

I am not going to have a baby. I am not going to force a basketball though a golf ball-sized hole. I AM NOT GOING TO MUTILATE MYSELF FOR A CRYING, POOPING MACHINE. Can someone tell me how is this legal? I love my vagina and I do not wish for it to be sliced vertically.

2) Tuesday

I want it to be a Friday like now because I want to watch rugby gahhhh! Doesn't anyone understand that it needs to be Friday now? Anyone?

Crickets.

2011-10-16T08:58:00.002+08:00

There's one thing I truly miss when I was in secondary school.

Passing notes.

Exam times are usually the time when I unleash my sneaky fingers skill. I would write the question number on a paper, fold it into a minute sized origami and pass it to a friend, usually a smarter friend who is kind enough to share answers. I would have an equal share of scrunched up papers coming my way too and I was never stingy with my answers.

I remember that one time when everyone in my class were furiously passing notes to each other during exam. I think the new substitute teacher noticed our master plan and someone (I wish I knew who it was) threw a ball of empty paper into the air. The teacher approached the person and opened the paper and she was a little disappointed because it was empty. The whole class giggled. Then, another paper ball flew into the air. Then another. The next scene is so epic that it is forever seared in my memory. Everyone, and I mean everyone started throwing paper balls into the air. It was like a confetti party in class. The teacher was so shocked that she just stood fixed at her spot, glaring at everyone. And we were laughing, picking up the papers on the floor and continued throwing papers into the air.

That was one of the best days of my school life. For once, the class felt like a unit. We felt like we were in this together. The teacher can't possibly report all of us to the principal, that's why we were daring enough to do it. The teacher screamed for us to stop but we didn't. And she walked out of class to get another teacher's help to diffuse the excitement we had.

Ah, the good ol'days.

______

This is the next Amy Winehouse, ladies and gentlemen.

View.

2011-10-08T00:59:00.007+08:00

I have stretch marks.

I was ashamed of them once upon a time. Like any insecure teenager, I wanted it to go away. It was so red and visible to everyone. It looked so ugly. Undesirable. I would go to my family doctor and ask him for stretch marks removal cream. I would religiously apply it on my stretch marks but it never went away.

I was looking at my body just now. Observing myself with a mirror. I took off my clothes and I stood in front of a mirror. Stretch marks, birth marks, moles, scars; I had all of them. I might've hated my body if it was the 16 year old me, staring back at me through the mirror. But I'm not 16 anymore. I'm not that teenager anymore.

I love how my body looks. I love all its imperfections. The moles on my body. The stretch marks on my thighs and butt. Scars from the sad and happy times. Birth marks that have been with me since my first intake of air. Uneven skin colour. The shape of my breasts. The knobby knees. My small butt. The shape of my hips. My barely-there-but-there tummy. The curve of my body. My forever messy hair. Dimples. Uneven eyes. My weird looking toes.

I am free. From my own judgements against myself.

Vent.

2011-10-03T20:06:00.005+08:00

Today I punched a guy. For continuously talking dirty and giving suggestive looks.

Actually, I'm fine with these kind of things but he took it to the next fucking level today. It annoyed me and I felt harassed. So I punched him. But I hit his watch.

His fucking watch that is like, 95% metal. 5% glass, of course.

I ended up bruising my hand. Like, a really bad bruise. And he came out from the war, clean and unharmed. No blood gushing from any part of his body whatsoever. Really, just shittastic.

What fuckery is this, reality.

Repeat.

2011-10-02T19:51:00.002+08:00

People die two different kinds of death; the physical one where the soul leaves the body and the emotional and mental one where memories of that person slowly decays in your mind.

Physical death, I can handle. It's the end of a person's sufferings and joyful experiences on Earth. The soul leaves the body and the body becomes an empty vessel, yadda, yadda.

It's the lost of memories that I hate the most. Death in mind does not apply to only people who have passed away but also to friends you stopped talking to due to circumstances and the people who came and left but were significant to you at that time.

It's not that you want to forget. You would try very hard to hold on to the memories. You can imagine the smell of the baked cookies and feel how hot the weather was on that day when you reminisce about a person. You can feel the emotions attached to that particular memory. You can remember every tiny details of that memory; how the chair was positioned, the clothes you were wearing, the colour of the sky, the sounds of laughter shared, the smiles, how frizzy your hair was, the feeling of the afternoon breeze on your skin. You would want the person to live forever in your mind.

Yet, slowly but surely, the memories will start to lose its brilliant colours. The memories you have will become duller as time goes by. First, you will start forgetting the minute details. Was there a bird in the tree? What was the colour of the pencil I borrowed her? Then, emotional attachment. You don't cry anymore when you see something that reminds yourself of your grandmother. You stopped feeling happy when you reminisce about the fun you had with your childhood friend. Then, the memories will just run in your mind like a film in the early 1900's; silent moving picture shows. Finally, you just forget. And the person dies. Again.

Maybe not again. Maybe you lost contact with a friend, then you found out that he suffered from lung cancer and he dies. So, he actually died three times. Just like that.

Everything dies. It is a cycle of life. People die, memories die.

Just like that.

Eyes.

2011-10-01T02:06:00.005+08:00

You know what gets me flinching in pain all the time?

PpL Hu tYpe lyKe tIs~!!111 Ue no?

Holy shit, dude. I think I became a little less intelligent just by attempting to type like that. Typing that was hard for me because I have enough decency to type properly to ease the readers so it won't be a freaking Sudoku. And I hate Sudoku. So yeah, a double whammy.

I don't know about you guys but I have this certain perception for people who type like this. I'm not trying to stereotype but I think that people who type like this have a lower level of IQ. I mean, it mind boggles me to try to fathom why some people just can't seem to type in full. Can't spell? Can't see the letters on the keyboard? Not enough letters on the keyboard? What? Tell me and I will try to understand your predicaments when using a computer. I'm sure the people who use the Internet have some sort of education. A degree or a diploma from your nearby kindergarten (kindergartens are so bloody advanced nowadays) or at least, some exposure on how to preserve your social worth. I don't think saving time by typing like that is a pretty concrete reason. I'm fine with initialisms like 'BTW' and 'FYI' but to replace 'come' with 'cum' or 'you' with 'ue' (yeah, 'ue' because 'u' is just not creative enough, unlike 'lyke') is just guhhhh.

I don't mind simple grammatical mistakes because I'm not a Grammar Nazi and I do make grammar mistakes myself but c'mon, please learn how to differentiate 'they're', 'there' and 'their' and 'you're' and 'your' because the ability to distinguish homophones actually makes you look smarter. In reality, no one really knows if you're using the right word during a conversation because of the characteristics of homophones so you're a lucky bastard who can get away with it but in the cyber world where we type words to communicate, you're as good as fucked, my darling.

I don't know why I'm being so hard on people who type like this.

I just hate them? That's good enough right?

Another thing that annoys me like fuck. Using numbers to substitute words and syllables.

Dude : Hey ther!

Bimbo : Oh hey 2 ue 2!

Dude : Gr8 work wit ur presentation.

Bimbo : Thnks 4 the compliment. Nyway, c ue l8er!

Seriously, that was hard. I should actually applaud for these people who type (and think like this in their minds) on a daily basis. It is hard work, people. Their brains probably work in a different frequency compared to normal people.

Also, people who abuse their caps lock and shift key.

HaHa TiS iS sOO FuNN!

No. No, it's not. Capitalising alternate letters in a word is not fun. People use the caps lock for a reason. See, I use the caps lock when I'm trying to emphasise something. Something like THIS. And when I'm experiencing an emotion that requires me to use the caps lock key. For example, when I'm happy (HAHAHA! YAAYY); when I'm in shock (OMG WTF IS THAT) or when I just need to shout my thoughts out (DID YOU KNOW THAT TODAY IS SATURDAY? YAAAYY). You know what? Here's a challenge for you people who abuse the caps lock and shift key. I would like you to pronounce and say it exactly like how you type without looking like a complete ass. I fucking dare you.

And the best part is that behind this retard typing skill, there are actually intelligent people who choose to project themselves this way. Why? Why do you do that to me, intelligent people? I respect you for your brain superpowers but when I read the posts or messages you post, the inflated balloon of respect I have for you immediately shrinks or deflates. Just like that. Gone. Poof. Along with your attractiveness (I always find intelligent people to be sexually attractive like, oh turn me on by reciting the Newton's Law, you sexy hunk). You can go from a hot, sexy guy who knows about Greek mythology, UFOs and listens to Arcade Fire to just some guy by typing like that. Because it's a fucking turnoff okay?

I'm releasing that pretentious bitch vibe, aren't I?

Personally speaking, I detest this because it is just degrading. It degrades the standard of the English language, which is to me, a very beautiful and creative language. Like, why-noses-run-and-feet-smell creative. English is such a fun language and wordplay is never ending. But to watch people destroy the language like this and indirectly destroy the minds of readers is just..saddening. I respect the language, thus explaining why I always type the way I do. Sometimes I feel that English is deteriorating because we allow people to destroy the language like that. This has nothing to do with the freedom of self-expression or your individual right to type however you want because you can. It's a matter of preserving the integrity of the language. And to realise that fellow Internet users can actually understand this kind of crap upon their first reading is just scary.

And there it is, my first post for my Shameless List.

Tick.

2011-09-29T21:43:00.005+08:00

So.

I was blog hopping and I have decided that she is amazing. I hope she's a she though, because she sounds like a she. But if she's not a she but a he, then there's a big problem there.

She/He/It is doing this meme that caught my interest and I have decided to tag along and do it too. Because I am bored like that. And because memes like these are the best way for you to feel closer to me. As if you're not some stalker who secretly reads this blog for amusement. And allows you to stalk me in a way that is not possible in reality because I make shameless things look cool and you wouldn't know what hit you.

Onwards!

30 Shameless Posts On Shameless Things

Declare your love for an uncool TV show.
Look a fool.
Eat. Whatever you feel like eating.
Waste time.
Declare your love for an uncool movie.
Act 'girly' or 'manly' in a way you’d normally avoid.
Share your efforts at something you don’t think you do well.
Sweat.
Expose something messy or dirty you’d usually hide.
Declare your love for an uncool band.
Dress to show some skin.
Share about a health struggle.
Speak up about something crap that was done to you.
Hold yourself accountable — not guilty — for something crappy you did to someone else.
Dress, walk, and act like you know you’re all that.
Spend money on a non-necessity or share a financial struggle.
Discuss the reality of your work situation.
Brag.
Share details about a bodily function or fluid.
Talk about sex.
Express a strong feeling.
Set a boundary.
Air one of your secrets.
Share a struggle you have yet to “just get over.”
Ask for help.
Make a mistake.
Express a dissenting opinion.
Discuss a failure.
Look a fool.
Name 3 more ways you can live shamelessly and commit to doing them.

'Set a boundary'? What does that even mean? Guh, Meme. And 'Look a fool', twice? Meme, you're asking too much from me. But. Challenge accepted.

I shall save self-humiliation for another sunny day.

Now, reading on Machiavellianism. Because Nicollo Machiavelli is boss.

Seasons.

2011-09-27T13:13:00.007+08:00

I need to stop thinking about it. I NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. I NEED TO FUCKING STOP FUCKING THINKING ABOUT IT NOW. NOW. NOW.

NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW

GAHHHHH *insert head desk here*

I hate you, heart. Guh. I need to break something now, with my bare hands.

Like, a fucking chair. Literally. A chair used to fuck. I need to find one of those. To break. Now.

I want to maintain the 'cool and chill' look but fuck, with everything being bulldozed into my life in such a short period of time..

gho;ipasjgajef'pdfvnadsfopo[ihsadfpoj]vswqiefbo[iheqfvo[ihbbooin[eq[ohi oh [iwowp i [owq o[fow pooh igwogoihmwe tiursogoij;eon;tdsgowekwp[johpooip

Sorry, that was my head, expressing its frustration on the keyboard.

I am such a fucking mess right now.

Zip.

2011-09-26T19:15:00.001+08:00

Realization.

It was more of the idea of the relationship, rather than the person. It was the memories, not the person in the memories.

It had never really been about the person. I've gotten it all wrong all this time.

Better late than never, I guess. I am learning more and more about myself each day now.

_____

I managed to catch a bit of a discussion between three people on the radio yesterday. They were talking about a pretty interesting topic. Heaven and Hell. I'm not sure if they started the discussion off by relating it to religion but when I tuned in, it was how you bring Hell or Heaven upon yourself.

Heaven or Hell; we will never be able to confirm of its existence. Whether it is a physical space or a method by religion to put people in their places and to control their actions, we will never know. But the idea of Heaven or Hell on Earth is interesting. A woman who was part of the discussion brought up a Jewish side of a story about a rabbi visiting Heaven and Hell. In Hell, the rabbi sees long tables filled food and around the tables were people who were angry and frustrated. The people were feeling miserable and angry because their arms were splintered, disabling them from bending their arms. Since they can't bend their arms, they can't use the spoons to feed themselves.

The rabbi is then taken to Heaven where he meets a similar setting; long tables with huge quantities of food. Instead of frustrated people, he sees happy and cheerful groups of people gathered around the table. Their arms are also splintered just like the people he saw in Hell. But the difference is that these people help each other when they're hungry. If a person is feeling hungry, the person sitting on the opposite side will take some food from his plate and feed him. By giving to others, he will get the same treatment in return.

Heaven and Hell are created, despite the similarities in setting. We create our own Heaven and Hell based on our actions. We experience Hell on Earth when all we give is selfishness and greed and Heaven when we share and love each other. I know that we are always told to be good to have good in return and vice versa. Yet, this story made me have deep thoughts. Perhaps, it's because I don't truly believe of a Heaven or Hell after death. I guess, I believe that we create our own versions of Heaven and Hell on Earth. Earth as the setting and it is up to us to create a Heaven or Hell for ourselves.

The idea of how we can alter the experience of Heaven or Hell based on our actions is fascinating. Like, there is no higher power to put us in our places after death. We decide where we want to be. Here and now.

What if life on Earth which is perceived as a test by God to decide where we are going to spend our eternal lives in is actually Heaven or Hell? What if God prepared Earth as an ambiguous setting for us and our lives are our own versions of Heaven or Hell? What if we are actually dead right now?

Oh gosh, my head.

Keys.

2011-09-24T19:43:00.003+08:00

Friendly reminder : Just because I am not saying anything about it, doesn't mean I don't know anything about it. So, please watch what you're posting on Facebook.

______

Honest post today.

I can finally able to say this without lying to myself. I'm moving on now. I am no longer clinging to the past. I don't have what ifs taunting me every time I have free time in my hands. I don't hope for anything from you anymore. I am finally free from the clutches of the past. Well, it only took about a year or so. But yeah, the taste of freedom has never tasted so sweet.

What got me clinging to the hope that we might have a second chance was simply, the nature of the relationship. It was light and fun. It was spontaneous giggles and late night calls. It was the relationship I've been waiting for all these years. Of course, I didn't know that this was the kind of relationship that I've been craving for until you happened. That's why the word perfection kept coming up. Too perfect to be true. It felt just right. Too right.

And when everything was gone, it shattered me to pieces. I felt lost and for once, I didn't know what to do. I always had a strategy for everything. Didn't study? Screw it and polish my guessing skills. No clothes? Mix and match. It happened so fast that I had no strategy to get out of it in one piece (because I never felt the need to think about the possibility of a break up) and I was aimless. First, for days. Then, weeks. Months. It was hard on me. I felt like running away from my own body. Thus, apathy.

...Okay, this might sound like those emo and depressing kind of posts kids these days type about but whatever.

At first, I embraced apathy. Like, fuck school. I can wear my shoes however the hell I want. I can walk out of class whenever I feel like without permission. Skip lessons. Not doing homework. Then, it got worse. Not listening to my parents. Not caring if my friend is okay after a break up. Showing the middle finger in front of people who annoyed me. I've finally realised how serious it was when my dad was admitted into the hospital for a possible heart attack late at night. My mum told me about my dad's chest pains and her plans to admit him into the hospital and asked me to go to bed because it's a school night. And I did, without hesitation. Without arguing with my mum that I want to be there in the hospital with the rest of my siblings. I slept. I went to school the next day as though it was like any other ordinary day.

Then it finally hit me that if I continued to be this way, I would really end up being incapable of feeling anything. It might end up being a permanent thing and I won't be able to recognise emotions anymore. So, kids. Do not try this at home. Or at your friend's place.

Despite everything, I came out alive. Literally and figuratively. I did not try to commit suicide like those emo movies. I did not try to stand in front of a train like what Bruno Mars told us to do. I am capable of feeling again. I am beginning to socialise now. I turned out pretty fine actually. ~~I'm so boss at this, jyeah.~~

It was a pretty eventful year for me. The struggles and the mental battles. But safe to say, I am okay now. I am moving on now.

This is so gonna be in my autobiography. Chyeah.

Grade.

2011-09-20T21:11:00.005+08:00

Procrastination lalalala.

I am capable of getting a 4.0 for my CGPA in my exams but I am so darn lazy.

I rather type a post about me doing nothing than to study. Teachers are like, "YOU CAN DO IT 4 FLAT 4 FLAT YEAHHH" and my parents are like, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? EXACTLY. YOU'RE DOING NOTHING. STUDYYYY RAWR"

I don't know. Maybe it's my rebellious side that is causing me to not study. Like, if everyone is making me study, the urge to not study just triples. Because I'm a teenager like that.

What? I'm a young adult now?

Ah, shit.

Also, if I were in Saudi Arabia, I'd be a pretty bad student. Like, a really bad one.

Grade		Percentage	GPA value
Excellent Arabic: ممتاز‎	A+	95–100	4.0
Excellent Arabic: ممتاز‎	A	90–94	3.75
Very Good Arabic: جيد جداً‎	B+	85–89	3.50
Very Good Arabic: جيد جداً‎	B	80–84	3.0
Good Arabic: جيد‎	C+	75–79	2.50
Good Arabic: جيد‎	C	70–74	2.0
Acceptable Arabic: مقبول‎	D+	65–69	1.50
Acceptable Arabic: مقبول‎	D	60–64	1.0
Failure Arabic: راسب‎	F	0–59	0.0

95 to 100 is a 4.0? WHAT KIND OF HUMAN IS THAT?

_______

And this is my theme song for today.

MGMT- "All We Ever Wanted Was Everything" (Bauhaus Cover) by LateNightTales

I shall go and hit the books now. Like, literally. With my head.

Quilt.

2011-09-18T14:24:00.002+08:00

I had a minor case of food poisoning this morning and so, I napped. I dreamed of stuff again.

"To dream that you kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to."

http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/

"To murder is to repress our feelings or departments of your life. A man may kill his love for a girl because she does not come from a wealthy family. Or we may kill our feelings because we are ashamed of them or guilty about them. We may kill a creative streak in self due to feelings of incapability, unworthiness."

http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/

If I am not mistaken, I think I murdered a really pretty Indian lady whom I've not met before. I contemplated on blending her and pouring her as fertilizer on my plants. But instead, I left her in a van in a carpark, without pulling the breaks and watch the van move and crash into the wall barriers, hoping it would fall off the building.

I would like to clear this up. Firstly, I am not a racist. I have many Indian friends and I have no urge to blend them whatsoever. Secondly, I think this has got something to do with the crush I'm not suppose to harbour feelings for. Thirdly, I think I make a pretty badass murderer.

Or not.

Ever.

2011-09-17T14:31:00.003+08:00

When I'm in the toilet, I will pinch myself just to check if I'm awake before I start releasing excretory products out of my body.

No, seriously.

I once had a dream that I was in the toilet, about to pee when I woke up in my bed. And I just stared at the bottom of the top bunk bed. It was pretty disturbing. So, I will check that I'm fully conscious of my actions before doing anything. I mean, if you've had so many kinds of weird dreams, you would be extra cautious before doing anything. I might end up waking up after wetting my bed or something.

Also, I'm nineteen. So it would be a pretty awkward situation to explain to the parents if such incident does take place.

I should be studying.

But I won't. Because I'm a lazy cat, lazing around like a lazy cat.

Disappear.

2011-09-16T18:31:00.005+08:00

I don't mean to brag but I posted a post at 11:50am-ish and 10 minutes later, 53 views? Wow. I'm not sure if I should be proud about it or become paranoid and wonder if this is some kind of joke.

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

I demand you to show yourself!

Next.

2011-09-15T11:52:00.000+08:00

Break up season. I'm not sure if it's still going on or if it has just started. Currently, three relationships of people I know have failed. It's strange to know that such pattern exists. Is it affected by natural occurence (the movement of the Moon, the high and low tides of the sea, clouds?) or is it like, a human pattern? The break up season usually starts around August while the mating/coupling season starts around March or April.

Are humans that predictable? Mhmm.

Well, here. Have some Henry cuteness to perk up your gloomy day.

Cat.

2011-09-12T19:08:00.007+08:00

You know that time when you are most vulnerable and you end up having a crush on anyone who shows the least bit of attention to you?

It's not like you want to, you just do. You don't even realise it until you had it bad. And then you tell yourself, 'Not this time, amigo. It's just a stupid crush. Don't think too much about it.' and you end up doing the opposite of what the voice in your head says.

Why the contradiction, heart and brain?

Ah, fuckity fuck fucking fuck.

Around.

2011-09-10T19:17:00.006+08:00

A personal record : Stayed up from 6pm, 8th Sept until 2.30pm, 9th Sept.

In that 20.5 hours, I (in order) :-

a) studied all about the social hierarchy in Japan, China, and Thailand in addition to things along the same line,

b) remembered how much I missed drinking Neslo (and regretting it later because coffee makes me really hungry),

c) crapped in my pants when technology decided to scare me with my own imagination,

d) ~~asked~~ begged my younger brother to stay awake with me while I continue studying,

e) became an inferior to the computer when my younger bro and dad were more worried about the state of the computer rather than my mental and emotional state after telling them about the Incident,

f) vomited when I consumed Milo because I had too much air in my empty stomach (coffee made me hungry and I forgot to eat because I was scared shitless after the Incident),

g) almost experienced another panic attack in school after knowing that I am suffering from a students' block,

h) regained my composure and restudied everything like a fucking boss,

g) wrote four 500+ word essays in three hours without stopping,

h) finally transformed into the living dead after the paper,

i) almost walked into a pillar after school,

j) almost fell backwards from the bench I was sitting on while waiting for my dad to pick me up,

k) finally had my first mouth of solid food after so many hours,

l) needed my dad to hold my hand when crossing the road,

m) mechanically took my bath because I woke up wondering if I did take my bath and;

n) died and resurrected after hours of sleep.

After experiencing 20+ hours without sleep, I finally realised that :-

a) 14 hours without sleep is my limit,

b) writing an essay in a zombie-like state doesn't tire my hands out,

c) my speech slurs if I am a zombie,

d) information is processed 10 seconds slower, resulting in a very delayed reaction and;

e) I kick so much ass when I'm a zombie. BRING ON THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE YEAHHH

In conclusion:-

I am never going to do this again.

2011-09-09T05:03:00.007+08:00

SHITTT, YOU GUYS.

MY COMPUTER JUST THE RING-ED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

I was as usual, procrastinating when I'm supposed to memorise stuff that will not interest anyone. When I wanted to comment on Vanessa's post on that hot German footballer that has the most adorable smile, my computer screen blanked and it started to do that fussy thing that you can see after the tv station ends its transmission.

And the computer restarted by itself after that.

HO' SHIT. My heart stopped and my first instinct was to look behind my shoulders. Like, how stupid of me but I did it anyway.

And I turned off the my desktop computer and just stared at my phone. No idea why but I did anyway.

Fuck. If I die a week later, you know what happened and please fucking burn my computer with holy water, if that's possible.

Or maybe it's just my computer taking revenge on me after that one time when I left it on for 21 hours.

I am so fucking traumatised now. But if I survive, at least I have an experience scary enough to scare the shit out of my kids to study next time. Or a pretty good story when everyone gathers around a campfire to tell spooky stories.

Somehow, I have a feeling that this is one of those stories that I tell people and their first reaction is to stare in shock. Like that story of the time when I fell with a bass drum and I didn't die.

I am starting to see the humour of the experience now.

Blocks.

2011-09-08T04:24:00.006+08:00

Procrastinating from BM and PA by watching this and now, the walls are looking pretty trippy. And I smell rain? Oh, it is the rain. I thought I was imagining it.

"Please tell me that sounded alright."

That doesn't sound like it's alright, Thom. It sounded more like perfection.

I actually use the computer more frequently during important exams than when I don't have exams at all. A form of escapism (woah, John Keats!) and a pretty good one.

White.

2011-09-07T03:30:00.005+08:00

I should be studying for my History trial paper right now since :-

i) it's in precisely 390 minutes,

ii) I found out about the paper on Monday and;

iii) I have, let's say, 90% of my syllabus to cover in the amount of time said above.

I'm a pretty good last minute studyer because the adrenaline rush from the stress and pressure allows me to have photographic memory (sorta). But this curveball is way beyond what my body can stand. I've been so high on adrenaline that I wasn't able to sleep. I've been awake for more than 24 hours now since Monday night. I was that close to actually experiencing my first panic attack with all the spasms and heavy breathings because of the nagging thought that I am never going to finish studying just now.

But I have to.

I finally did have a two hour nap (where I drifted in and out of consciousness) after calming down and having my CD player play a mellow song on repeat for two hours while I was asleep.

And just a few minutes ago, I thought to myself, 'How the fuck am I going to make it through the STPM month? I won't be able to sleep. At all.'

I just want Form Six to end now. I'm so tired.

2011-09-06T19:27:00.002+08:00

Panic attack.

2011-08-30T13:33:00.003+08:00

"Be cruel to me 'cause I'm a fool for you."

Suck It and See ; Arctic Monkeys

I just need one thing from you. Closure.

Please, let me move on from this chapter of life.

2011-08-21T19:17:00.003+08:00

I need a hug.

Opium.

2011-08-18T20:11:00.003+08:00

A group of people came to school the other day. They were promoting a contest to female students where contestants are judged based on public speaking capabilities and other talents. Honestly, my interest was piqued since I'm about to go into a field where spontaneous replies and quick thinking are required. It's easy; just record a half a minute video and talk about yourself and your talents. I was like, 'Hey, this is a piece of easy pie'..until I heard the ways to actually be in the running to be the top contestants. People have to Facebook like you and the top ten girls will then be called in to be judged by a bench of qualified (I hope) judges.

This is what I dislike the most about today's competitions. You have to be Facebook popular to win. Talent is placed second after popularity. So what happens to a girl who is not really active in Facebook and does not have a great Facebook social life but she's talented as hell? I'm not implying that people who win competitions through Facebook or whatever kind of social websites are untalented. It's just..not fair. People who have tons of friends on Facebook have of course, the higher possibility of winning compared to those who have an average number of friends. How is this fair in any context?

Whatever happened to real competitions where people are judged based on talent and capabilities and not on how many fucking likes you have for your picture or video?

Bullet.

2011-08-13T00:15:00.006+08:00

Teacher : Did you know that the curly hair is the most healthy type of hair?

Classmate : Then why did you straighten your hair?

Ooohh, burn.

___

I have finally sensed a pattern.

I love expressing myself with profanities. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not rude. I don't call or label anyone with vulgar comments or words. I don't use the word 'bitch' or any other words that could cause the same amount of damage to a person emotionally on any human being because it is very degrading, imo. I don't use profanities from different languages (Hokkien language make everything sound so bloody vulgar. No, really.) on people. Or cats.

I like using 'fuck' as a way to stress anything and everything. Emotions, actions, good music, hot men; whatever that needs stressing. In fact, 'fuck' sounds like a compliment if I use it on people. Eg. James Franco is a cool fucker or; Kelly Jones is a BAMF (Bad Ass Mother Fucker). See where I'm going with this?

Okay, so basically, I don't use bad words on anyone (unless they're mild profanities like 'asshole', because 'asshole' doesn't sound like a word that is vulgar enough to be banned from being used on human beings. To me, it is as good as 'stupid'.) for intentions of degrading or angering anyone. It's just a pretty good way to express thoughts and stuff.

Also, I just like using 'fuck'. A lot. It has such a nice ring to everything I say.

Taylor.

2011-08-11T21:53:00.001+08:00

A happy, summery song for everyone. Because everyone's in a shitty mood these days so happy song yay! And watch my boyfriend rock out on that bass. So near yet so far. *strokes Will Sturgeon's face on computer screen*

___

104 days. Until I lose my STPM virginity to the first paper.

It feels like I'm already being fucked.

I need to get my priorities straight now. No more stalking hot guys who know nothing of my existence until further notice.

Weeds.

2011-08-03T20:14:00.003+08:00

Radiohead's Lotus Flower earns five fucking gold stars for being so damn good. Thom's spastic dance, the bassline that has earned a temporary home in my head, Thom's falsetto voice, the lyrics. I don't remember why or how this song seemed so messed up during my first listen. The song is gorgeous.

There are many acoustic versions of this song but I prefer the full band version, because the bassline is so mindfucking.

I finally got myself to the doctor after suffering from a 10-day old sore throat that refuses to leave. I am now taking five kinds of pills and I think it is making me high or some sort. And cough mixture. Yeap, codeine. I'mma drug addict.

Not right.

2011-07-30T21:59:00.003+08:00

I've been (and still am) sick for the past one week. Coughing and all that jazz. I guess it's that time of the year again. ~~My voice is rough as hell, so you know who to call if you want to get it onzz.~~

Some girls think they can do whatever they want just because they're attractive. They take advantage of guys who have weak knees for them. They openly flirt with other guys and ignore the good guys who do not look at their breasts. And they complain that there are so many fucked up guys in the world. We women have issues that even I can't fathom. I truly pity the good guys.

When I see the good guys observing the person they have feelings for from far, I wonder how much pain they're going through. Unrequited love is always the worst. You feel so helpless. You wish you could slap some sense into that person. It sucks having to watch friends suffering from this and there's nothing you can do about it.

Good guys, you shall have the final victory.

Random : It's almost a year now.

2011-07-23T02:46:00.000+08:00

"I need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.

...

Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

Juno & Mac MacGuff ; Juno

Dear The Right Person,

I'm worried that the longer you take to look for me, the more wrong I'd be for you.

That's why I don't think you exist.

That's all.

Sue.

Change.

2011-07-10T16:58:00.008+08:00

Patriotism, not nationalism. The amazing event that took place on the 9th July 2011 has generated patriotism like no other Moral textbook could. All these years I've never understood the difference between nationalism and patriotism and I finally understood the difference between them, just by watching tens of thousands braving through tear gases and water cannons, just to have their voices heard.

I've always experienced nationalism, never patriotism. We're always taught to be proud of our country. Our nation's achievements in the world. Our accomplishments since we were a free nation. We feel happy when foreigners praise our local food. We feel proud when Penang and Malacca were listed as world heritages. I do feel proud of Malaysia and what she has reached in the past 54 years. I enjoy having multiracial friends and cultures around me. I love being a Malaysian, with or without the help of Moral or Civic books.

Yet, yesterday made me feel a whole new emotion. I couldn't comprehend why I was religiously following the updates of the rally. I couldn't understand why I choked when I read that people are getting hurt from the beatings by the authorities and the things people do to get away. I started tearing up when I see pictures of senior citizens walking along with the youths, a man with only one able foot joining the walk, people of different races walking hand in hand; all there for one purpose. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride when I saw a picture of a Chinese man holding up the microphone for a Malay man who was praying so that his prayers can be heard by other fellow Muslims, shop owners opening up their shops to allow people to eat and wash their eyes, fellow Malaysians helping each other get away and offer food to complete strangers. I laughed when I read that the rally goers picked up after them when they dispersed and when they shook hands with the police after the rally.

Years of joining the Merdeka parade have never sparked even a slightest patriotic feeling in me. That two hours of reading updates and worrying over thousands of strangers in the streets make me feel like a True Malaysian.

Many said that I shouldn't put so much hopes on Malaysia. Some adviced me to migrate to another country when I'm financially able so my children will not suffer in a biased and repressed country. I might have agreed at one point of my life, that living here will be frustrating in future. I might have even planned to move to another country.

Yet, when I saw thousands of people who chose to stand up for their country that they have silently loved, I saw hope. I saw my generation standing up, deciding that this will be our time now. "Nothing can stop us now. Nothing will stop us." I connected with my fellow Malaysians, even when I was not there with them. I read Facebook posts, Twitter updates and saw enough pictures to know that this is where I want my children to live. I saw hope for Malaysia.

I'm not going against Malaysia. In fact, I was never against Malaysia. I'm not for or against the government as well. I just want to see change. If expressing my support for Bersih and a better Malaysia is going to get me into ISA, then so be it.

Bersih has impacted my life. This will be one of those stories I'm going to tell my children; along with the ones where I attended rallies and helped fellow Malaysians regardless of race and religion (soon, if there's another rally :) ), for a better Malaysia.

I finally felt at home, amidst ~~strangers~~ fellow Malaysians. July 9th, the proudest day for Malaysians.

P.S. If you don't know what happened or still in the dark about this or even, have opposing views on this, please, please read the news on the Internet or just, ask me. I will not brainwash you to go against the country or be a terrorist. I just want you to understand the real condition our country is in. This is the least I can do, after watching fellow Malaysians stand up, wanting a change.

Found.

2011-07-01T18:06:00.005+08:00

I simply forget.

I forget to reply text messages. I forget how to keep track of the days in the week; I only know what day it is after looking at the newspaper header. I forget to appreciate the people that matter most in my life; the ones who have made me the person I am today. I forget to finish my homework. I forget to understand everyday conflicts friends and family go through. I forget to care for myself. I forget to share simple, happy moments with the right friends. I forget to pay my friends back money or give their belongings back. I forget the feeling of simple happiness. I forget to challenge myself everyday. I forget how to be the person I was back then; the person who can do any damn thing when I put my heart to it.

Perhaps I don't care anymore. Perhaps I'm too occupied with my own issues. Perhaps life has drained every essence of my motivation to remember.

Perhaps I choose to forget.

I don't know anything anymore. Everyday passes like a blur. I can't keep track of events happening around me. I'm not doing this on purpose, neither is it accidental.

Apathy has sunk in. And it's making me worried if it'll make me less human as days go by.

2011-06-27T19:42:00.008+08:00

I hate people.

I hate them for not reading enough. I hate them for listening to ear-bleeding music. I hate their stupid pretentious asses who go around frolicking in skin-tight dresses.

I chose to write an article on how beauty is projected by mass media (inspired by V). I wrote with so much heart and rage. I wrote with scoops of ice cream in my mouth (because my fingers were too busy tapping away on the keyboard and every little scoop I took is a bit of inspiration lost). When I felt proud with my almost-done article, I got my dad to read it. And. You. Know. What. He. Said?

"I don't think this will appeal to the people."

The.

People.

The. Fuck.

I hate people for being dumb. I hate people who can't sit still to read something that is more than 50 words. I hate people who look at books and say "Wahh, so many words." I hate people who don't try to understand serious matters like how sex ed is so essential to us now (and no, pictures of human sex organs do not teach us the effects of unprotected sex or the emotional impact of sex before marriage) because songs on the radio are practically screaming out "WOOHOO LETZ HAVE SEX" but are more focused on how Lady Gaga managed to save the world with her turquoise coloured wig.

Are people really that, how shall I put this.. Shallow? Dim-witted?

I don't like how pointless this post is because it makes me sound like a fucking whiny brat but damn it. People. They frustrate me. I hate myself for generalising everyone like this but fuck, the rage I have right now. But you'd forgive me.

Stay.

2011-06-16T20:49:00.003+08:00

This is my life. And it's ending one minute at a time.

I'm unsure of the purpose I'm here, on Earth. Every time the minute hand on the clock moves clockwise, I'm one minute closer to death, closer to The End. Yet, I'm still trying to figure out the purpose of my existence. I've been existing for 19 years now. Existing without a sense of purpose. Is this how we are made to live our early years? Simply living because we're too young to think about our reason of being born on the day we're born, at the hour we're born? Why has no one ever encouraged me to think about the purpose of living? About my purpose of living? Has age ever been a factor to understand philosophy? I've seen people twice my age who are still in the dark, just sitting in the dark; instead of groping around for the light switch.

The world has been too preoccupied with silly, unimportant things. Sex, money, reality shows, celebrities. We have been corrupted by the way society has made us view our lives. We need paper qualifications to be successful. We need more money to be influential. Maybe with aiding factors like money and paper qualification, we will know or fulfill our purpose of existence. To influence or change the world. That is, if that's our purpose of existence. But television and other forms of media have given a cruel twist to that. We are contained in a box. We are made to study hard, because that's our purpose as a son or daughter to our parents. We are made to humour friends, because that's our purpose as a friend. We are made to earn money to support our family, because that's our purpose as a provider, as a parent.

Our purpose in life has been defined by external factors. By the society. However, can I accept them as the purpose of my existence? I highly doubt it.

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."

Tyler Durden ; Fight Club

I won't start bringing up questions whether the purpose of my existence is already written down in a hardcover book by Fate or whether I'm responsible to write it down myself. That's a different topic altogether.

It's just that, we have been blinded by the purpose society has handwritten for us. And we didn't even realise it. We're so busy trying to be the mould the world wants us to be that when we experience a near-death situation, we will finally realise that we've been living for nothing. Existing without a sense of purpose.

Flicker.

2011-06-11T19:32:00.002+08:00

Friends. I'll admit I've met many friends who had the potential to be the people I'll hang on for life.

I was too selfish, too absorbed with my own problems that I don't even try to keep that friendship.

And now, when I watch the people I add as friends on Facebook, I wonder how many people will actually realise if I vanished from the face of the Earth.

Pathetic.

Time.

2011-06-08T13:29:00.003+08:00

As we grow older, we seem to take advantage of everything. Like, how we seem to be taking advantage of someone else's emotions. When we meet a stranger, we would try our best to not offend the person with our words and actions but as we get to know him, we just stop trying to care for his feelings. We start taking advantage of each other's feelings, shrugging it away. "He's my friend, he'll know that I'm just joking."

As we grow older, we also seem to lose our interest in wanting to know. Children are always starving for knowledge, always wanting to know how birds fly or why that man is walking in that manner. It's scary to know that as we grow older, we lose the want to know. We just stopped being curious. "It's like that." That's the kind of response I'll get for being curious at my age.

It is when we're too comfortable that we just stop trying. We stop trying to be nice to our friends. We stop trying to learn new things by observing. We just start assuming that friends will take it as a joke. We start assuming that we know everything there is to know because we've been living for years.

This is what I'm afraid of. Being too comfortable.

I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of this. I have my fair share of hurting friends and assuming that they'll understand.

I don't want to grow older, if this is what I have to deal with.

2011-06-06T23:18:00.002+08:00

Infatuation. It makes me feel young and teenagerish again.

It's always fun to infatuate over cute guys without bothering about their intelligence or choice of vocabulary when speaking.

2011-06-01T10:44:00.004+08:00

Nice? Yes? I know right. It feels like home all over again.

Flash.

2011-05-21T22:35:00.003+08:00

Andrew VanWyngarden cracks me up. He should be in my life so we can talk about squeezing lemons and make our own tie-dye clothes.

He's full of puppies and teddy bears. *is in luv*

Stare at his eyes longer and you'll lose your virginity to them.

Cravings.

2011-05-21T20:37:00.006+08:00

Update : Moved.

I moved to another house last week (right before my exams so yay for good reasons to back up my screwed up results) and I finally experienced technology again. Yes, I got back my Internet and it feels so..familiar despite living in a house that freaks me out at night. I sleep with a night light. Sue me for being afraid of unfamiliar territory in the dark and sounds at night.

I'm proud of myself for not being Internet deprived during my caveman period. Mostly because it's the exam week and I have to study pillars of books the day before the subject but that's not the main point of this discussion. Internet confetti, y'all! I'll be a survivor of an Electrical Breakdown Apocalypse, if that happens.

Random : Uncles and aunts have the biggest issue to pick with me. It's always about the skin tone. So what if I'm tanned? Jeez, people. Keep your socks on and stop making it sound as if it's my fault. I hate it when they get all "Why are you so dark? You should use some lotion." I will use whitening lotion whenever I feel like I should, woman. *is pissed* I have no problem with catching the opposite gender's attention (not in the negative way) with my skin tone. So, get out of my hair and use your 100 bucks lotion to whiten your already white face. The urge to dye my hair electric blue just grew stronger, just to spite them.

Rye.

2011-05-11T21:32:00.005+08:00

Update : Moving away.

Also. I'm starting to dread the fast pace of life, again. I need some time-out.

I want to run away. Just for a day.

Glorious.

2011-04-30T18:28:00.003+08:00

I've never felt this happy for a wedding my entire life. This is my first royal wedding and I loved every bit of it. I loved every single protocol and procedure. The antique cars driving the royal family to the church, the Brits along the road and being such awesome people, the horses, the carriages, the little boys doing Lord Of The Rings' soundtrack, mischievous grins from both Prince William and Prince Harry, the dress, Kate Middleton (she's my new best friend), Pippa (Kate's sister), the royal uniform (yum), Prince Harry in the royal uniform (nom worthy), the ancient church and those horrible, ridiculous head gears.

I love them all.

I've watched the wedding twice (and counting because I'm never gonna be bored of it) and my heart still skips a beat whenever Will and Kate give reassuring glances to each other. I saw Kate just gave a huge relieved sigh when she saw Will by her side. (cue "Awwww") It's really heart warming to see these two getting married. Their wedding feels like a friend's wedding, like you can't help but to feel happy for them. The way their bodies move along with each other, Will holding her hand in the carriage, how they're so comfortable with each other, those glances; it makes me so fuzzy on the inside. I am not jealous of Kate in any way and I really do hope they will stay happy. Because they are by far, my favouritest couple in the entire universe. And I bet Kate will be a kickass Queen.

Naughty glances, in a church? Guys, c'mon, be discreet.

It feels so wonderful to witness such an amazing event. The crowd was amazing. They were all "KISS KISS KISS WOOOO" at the Buckingham Palace and it's so much fun to watch how Will and Kate waves and smiles at each other. So fucking precious. I'm in love with both of them now. They look so beautiful together.

Also, Prince Harry. The man's a mush of dork, hot, mischievous, sexy and cute. And have I mentioned how good he looks in uniform?

Look at him being all adorkable and hot at the same time. My gosh, Harry. How do you do it?

I should do a Prince Harry post. The man's too hot to be hidden in my closet.

Haaaiiii. *waves* :D

FUCK I LOVE WEDDINGS. THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY. I could just fill this entire post with happy pictures. :') Their wedding is an epitome of perfection. Everything's in place, the dress looks gorgeous, Will and Kate, Harry in uniform (I really should do a Harry post),

Stay happy and dandy, Will and Kate. Stay hot, my Prince Harry. You are mine.

Team Will and Kate FTW! :D

To the people who thinks the royal wedding has nothing to do with you or you think that it's stupid, you suck because Prince Harry is hot. Your argument is invalid.

P.S. There're Tumblr sites specially for Will & Kate and the hot dork Prince Harry. Internetville is amazing.

Conditions.

2011-04-28T21:43:00.005+08:00

I'm so tired, I just stopped caring. I see friends talking and confiding in each other and I wonder to myself, why don't I feel like I want to walk there and just listen? I lost the interest in wanting to care. I only listen and give advices if a person comes to me. Other than that, nothing. I'll remain as an observer from far.

When did I start acting this way, I'm not sure. I'm just too tired and occupied with my own thoughts to care. Selfish? Maybe.

Currently listening to : Letters to the Metro by Mogwai

Details.

2011-04-27T23:18:00.011+08:00

"Hey, 'course I'm okay. I'm always okay. I'm the king of okay."

Doctor Who

I like having Matt Smith on my blog, hugging Amy again and again. It makes me feel warm.

I need one of those hugs, with a pat and those cliché it's okay speeches.

Pilot #2

2011-04-26T10:33:00.000+08:00

Time to start anew. Yet, again.

I promise, no more junk from me.