Happenstance.

It's hard to blog when you have so much to say but you just can't find the words anymore. I'll admit, studying law has limited the words I used to express myself. But, the good thing is that my legal vocabulary has increased in its capacity (yipee doo!) but it's not really that helpful when it comes to blogging (yipee boo..).

Today is one of those could've-been-better-but-not-really days. I've been sitting in my library for the past three hours and the only things I've achieved are:

1. I've had lunch;
2. I turned on my laptop to listen to Spotify; and
3. I slept for the next two hours, drooling on myself.

Any progress is good progress, I must say. I could be in my room, watching Youtube while falling asleep. But I get to do this in public. Progress!

It's been hard to find motivation to study for my coming finals. I mean, c'mon, technically, I've been studying for eight semesters already and any reasonable person with ordinary sensibilities would find that studying for 4 years is frankly, too much studying. And I still have a year left until I'm done with law school. 

Seriously, I can't wait to be done with law school. Just release me from your tight clutches, law! 

On another note, I'm sure everyone is excited to hear about the tall tales of my pretty cool life! Stories about how I saw a fine gentleman across the room and how I sashayed myself towards him, while his eyes were glistening with admiration. Or how I fought with a shark by peeing on it, proving I am of the superior species. 

...

What am I even talking about.

Expectation.

I was advised by Chris to go back to writing so that I can learn to express myself once again. After all, we have broken up and I must admit, I am not taking this breakup too well.

So, in light of the currently most horrendous breakup I have ever experienced (yes, it is worse than my previous breakup), I am back..once again.

Hello there, internet. I hope you will not be too harsh in your judgments and maybe, just maybe, help me heal from this metaphorical massive-blood-gushing wound that is in my heart.

So, I have taken steps to deal with this breakup. Not too drastic ones like packing up my bags and leaving town to begin life once again. Not too dramatic ones like TP-ing his house or spraying his bike red with "I HATE U". But small, pretty generic steps. Like cutting hair. I cut my hair pretty short - so short that trying to contain the hair by styling it is pretty much impossible. (I actually bought hair product with hopes that I can turn it into something that is not a bomb of frizz but alas, such is my life.) I am wearing much more black in my life to radiate my sadness so that I won't feel so much grief and sorrow before I sleep every night (not working so far but black is good when you just don't have the mood to deal with colour coodination). I am eating a lot but not making much movement (explains the chicken wings that I am constantly flapping about nowadays). Just the usual I-just-broke-up shit that almost everyone goes through.

I've had good days and bad days. Sometimes, consecutively. Good, bad, good, bad. Today is a better day. I woke up today, after crying to sleep last night about the potentially fatal wound that has been residing in my heart, feeling pretty okay. Like, a I-can-deal-with-rejection-everyday kind of okay. I had pizza for lunch and watched a little of Deadpool, even though I have three assignments due next week and..you know where I'm going with this. I even started reading again! Progress!

I guess I've been telling everyone that I'm okay and that, I've been good at looking like I'm okay that I would like to clarify this: I'm not okay. I'm a ginormous ball of tears, still mending the pieces of my broken soul. This relationship of three and a half years would go down as the defining three years of my life. And honestly, I can't wait for that day when I'm truly okay and I can appreciate the lessons from this breakup.

Until then, it's just me and you, buddy.

Distraction.

It has been a while.

A long while.

How are you?

I am tired. I miss having alone time. The phone is always blowing up with messages and instructions of what next. The room I used to find solace and peace is not soundproof to the outside world. Silence, oh how have I misunderstood you. You have been the glue to my almost shattering self. How silly of me to think that you were the catalyst to my depressed thoughts. How ignorant of me to want to destroy you completely.

After all, you gave birth to my voice and my thoughts, dear Silence.

It has been difficult for me to stop and take deep breaths. Immersing myself in activities seemed to be a good idea to eradicate the thoughts of helplessness - for a while, at least. After all, with no second to stop and think, it's impossible for me to sink into the depths of melancholy. Oh, how wrong I was. My poor brain and soul has not stopped to rest since July. With Worry constantly hovering behind me, whispering, "check on the letters", "you might have missed out on something, "don't forget about that meeting", restless sleep is inevitable. I have not had time for myself - time to just stop and ask myself whether I am doing fine.

Too much white noise. 

Too soft, my voice.

Current.

I'm wrapped up in my faculty's library right now while sitting at a cubicle next to a window. Sun is shining in through the tinted glass but no heat can be felt.

The more I study law, the more I realised that I am not really suitable to be in this field. I'm no longer passionate to learn which is surprising - surprisingly sad. I've always been that person who would spend half a day, reading and Googling about Nordic gods and philosophies of religion.

I don't like the person I am becoming but at the same time, I feel like, this is me growing up? A friend asked me how was literature before I transferred to law and I told him it's less stressful than law and that I do miss studying literature. He then proceeded to tell me that while he was finishing up his research paper which is one of a core paper in law, he felt as if he couldn't fit into the legal field anymore and was thinking about transferring to literature. He took literature during high school. He asked me whether it's too late to transfer to literature now. I smiled at him, told him that it kinda looks like it's a bit too late (he's going into his final year next semester), gave a tiny laugh and shrugged the subject away. Deep inside, I knew exactly how he felt but chose not to talk about it, fearing that it might reignite the feeling of helplessness I had during the transition from literature to law.

I realised I've been awfully whiny. I whined about how I can't blog anymore when I was still in literature because I hated writing due to the large number of assignments I had to write and lost the ability to express myself. Now, I whine about how law school is so stressful and that I can't see myself being in this field. Sigh.

While sitting at the cubicle, thinking about what to write next, I too realised that I have not been too appreciative with the opportunity to study law. All I've been doing is whine and complain about how stressful law is and that I just wanna go back to where I have always been comfortable - literature. I've never really told myself to try and enjoy learning law. There are subjects like Environmental Law that I enjoyed learning - mostly because of the lecturer, Dr. Sarah. She somewhat rekindled my interest and the whole reason I wanted to study law - to help the helpless. People who are affected by environmental hazards like the Lynas case and animals that need people like me to be their voice - these vulnerable groups. But lecturers like her that breathe life into law are hard to come by. It's so hard to be inspired when law is taught to us so that we understand and score during the finals. I guess, we have to take the extra step of looking further than what we are exposed.

Back to studying. Wish me luck, everyone.

Lone.

Dear.

I've been in your shoes, my friend.

Your thoughts and feelings resonate with the past me; the me who was suffering from the exact same thing. The me who thought I could do anything and gave the highest expectation to myself to achieve everything. Effortless 10 A's for SPM, 5A's for STPM in my drowsy, depressed state and then, an almost dean lister, missing it by a pointer of .04 in the first semester of my academic year in English Literature.

Then I went to law school. I got the first 'F' of my whole existence. F for failure. F for fuck-up. I spiraled into existential crisis. What am I doing wrong? Who am I now? I felt stupid, even after giving my all and resulted in nothing. Little did I know, it wasn't horror movies or sudden movements and sounds in the dark that frightened me but mediocrity. I fell from the highest pedestal I've placed myself on with nothing to break that fall. No warnings, no soft surfaces. An 'F' with a couple of C's on a piece of paper was all it took for my occasional depressed state to turn into crippling depression.

Cliché as it may sound, you will come out stronger than ever before. I'm relieved now, knowing that the worst parts are almost over and the good ones are arriving - the part where I learn something from this lesson. The one thing I took away from this is to never stop loving yourself. Find yourself again - get into your interests or find a new one but please find yourself again. Take baby steps to get to the end of the lesson. Take a year or even, two, like me to get there but don't stop trying.

I know I have not been a supportive friend. I needed to get myself right first and I didn't want anyone to see me curled up in apathy. Please understand, Vanessa. We will talk soon, okay?

I hope you will arrive to the good parts soon. Loves.

Authentic.

My stomach hasn't been the strongest lately. The sudden urges to release the 'load', the less-than-solid form of that said 'load', flatulence - it has not been a good week for my stomach. It must prolly have been the large dosage of vitamin C I have been consuming to ward off any ulcers and sore throat. After all, I have always been an ulcer magnet. My mouth will start sprouting ulcers like mushrooms every fortnight. Unhealthy, I know.

I have always been a weak child, trying to be strong. I have a tiny issue with my body - so tiny that it's called thalaessemia minor. The name is pretty scary but technically, it just means that I have the thalaessemia trait that could be passed on to my children and also, mild anaemia. I do have issues of dizziness when I overwork my body but it's nothing I can't handle. What makes me sad is that my thalaessemic state is contributing to my ulcer problem and also, I can't donate blood.

On another note, I'm not looking forward to going back to university after this mid-semester break. I like staying at home and playing with my cats. It's been a while since I have my alone time where I can recuperate and feel like I'm not rushing to go somewhere or do something. There's always something going on in university and frankly, I am exhausted from the hustling and bustling life of a university student. There are days when I want to just attend lectures and tutorials and sneak back home without being stopped for social activities like lunch or dinner.

Haha, I sound like a whiny kid who is too popular for her own good. Well, that's what happen when I have hair and body that everybody yearns for. *rolls eyes*

Retire.

The weather is going bonkers. It has been awfully hot these past few weeks. No one should be under the sun after 9am because holy shit, it is hot. And when it is around 4pm, it starts pouring like the rain clouds have never released rain from their cloud urethra. I wish everyday is a cloudy and windy day.

Except if I have a solar powered car. Because of y'know, sunshine. And power. So, y'know, the car won't remain stationary all the time.


A few quick updates:

1. I'm pretty worried that I might actually not finish my assignment. I have yet to receive a reply email from the NGO I emailed about 4 days ago and their participation in my assignment is crucial. I will have nothing to write about if they do not provide information necessary for the assignment. This is due by the following Monday and I will have to find a new topic to write about if this does not go according to plan. Sigh.
2. I'm finally glad that the exchange students from Shanghai are going back to their country. Between my tutorials and lectures and joining the activities planned out for the Shanghai students, I rarely had any time for myself. The past week, I have been waking up at 5am to prepare for lectures and finish up my tutorials and I only arrive back home after 9pm every other day. I didn't have much time to just sit and relax – what more with Chris . I would immediately crawl to bed to get as much rest as I can. Thankfully, there was a gap between my classes and the closing ceremony of the exchange programme on Thursday that Chris and I took advantage of and went on a mini date to IKEA. 
3. I have a land law test this Wednesday and I am far from prepared for it. Help.

Cute picture of the day! Source: http://lizclimo.tumblr.com/ 

Ashes.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that persons in possession of multiple accounts of social media, must be in want for everyone to not post their happy all the time.

Research. Studies. Articles. More research.

I've deleted my short-lived Instagram account and my Twitter account too. Unfortunately, I can't delete my Facebook account because it would prove difficult to discuss about assignments or obtain updates regarding cancelled lectures or postponed due dates (albeit rarely).

I remember the time when all the social media I used was Facebook, Tumblr and blogging. I was happy, or shall I put it, not terribly depressed. I used Facebook to gather updates about friends and look for new music; Tumblr to create a future I want to be in - the dream wardrobe and dream home; and blogging to express myself without fearing judgment, from the public and from myself. It was a good balance of accepting happiness from others and creating happiness for myself.

Then, I lost it. I stopped going to Tumblr. I stopped blogging. I guess, I lost part of myself when I stopped blogging. I lost my passion to write and ultimately, I lost my outlet to self-expression. These couple of years has been hard on me. The inactivity on my blog is not because I have nothing to say - it is because I can't find the words to say.

I have a feeling that I'm slowly spiraling deeper into my 'cave' - where I stop socialising and responding to people if I could. I realised that I can and will only come out from my 'cave' if I have had enough space and time for myself. So, this is me, helping myself. Blogging shall be my self-treatment. I will not allow myself to fall deeper into depression.

I need to force myself to blog in order for my mind to find solace and peace. I will blog once a week. Yes. For me to stick to something, I need to announce it to everyone.

I will blog once a week.

_______________

Some quick updates:

1. I have a 10am class tomorrow and I should prepare for this week's tutorials. Should. That is the keyword.
2. The longer I study law, the more I feel uncertain about what I'm going to do after I graduate. I am almost certain that I don't want to be a litigator, which is pretty ironic since being a litigator was the reason I pursued law. Studying law has made me question my very being. I thought law was ingrained in my soul. I thought that I am finally pursuing my long-time dream - that I can finally be the person I was meant to be. But, more doubts and self-questioning keep popping in my mind. I might have a much more romantic soul suited for literature than I've expected. Hmm, post for another day, I guess. 
3. I've finally visited tourist attractions in Kuala Lumpur last Friday! With a group of Shanghai exchange students, of course. I saw the Tugu Negara (National Monument) and went on a guided tour around the National Museum! I enjoyed myself so much during the guided tour in the museum that I might go again, but with Chris this time. He will definitely appreciate all the artifacts and the history behind them. 

Cute picture of the day!

I can't link this picture to the original artist or source because I got this from a friend through WhatsApp.