It has not been easy for me to be back here. It took me more than a month, contemplating whether I should start blogging again or let this place I once called my comfort zone rot. My dad randomly commented that I should start writing again – write letters to newspapers so they'll publish it. I've never written letters to newspapers but I think I get what he is trying to say. He noticed that I don't write anymore and it has changed me. Chris also told me that I should get back into blogging. He didn't say anything else but I have a feeling the reason he was nudging me towards blogging again is probably, blogging used to be chicken soup for my soul. And I have been cold and lost on the inside.
Last night, I came back here and I saw the state of my blog. The pictures that once gave colours to this grey layout was gone and was replaced with a box with a 'no entry' sign. Copyright issues, I guess. The only colour on the blog was the picture of myself on the right hand side of this blog. You could even imagine seeing cobwebs at the corners of this blog. It looked old and dusty.
It's raining now. Grey skies complement the grey shades of this blog. How apt.
Blogging has been a form of self reflection. I sit at the table, face my laptop and reflect on my thoughts and actions. I have not been doing that lately. And by lately, I mean for almost a year now. But, do you know what I am doing right now? I stare at the walls in front of me, thinking about what I am thinking about. And I stare at the laptop again. And. Nothing. I don't know where my thoughts are anymore.
No. This is what I think. I lost myself. I don't know myself or my thoughts anymore. I don't have any interests anymore. I'm not reading. I'm not looking or listening to new bands or new music anymore. I don't follow fandoms anymore. I don't follow up TV series that I used to love and adore. I don't even blog. I have lost all passion for passion.
I need to find myself again. It's okay if I don't feel passionate for the things I used to be passionate anymore but, I need to rediscover myself and feel alive on the inside. Because right now, numbness is enveloping me.
