Forget.

"You can express yourself with words and that is an advantage."

I am having difficulties writing for leisure purposes after having to write 3000 word essays in two days because writing became a task to fulfill. I can't find peace of mind when I type anymore. It got so bad that I cried when words were unable to flow out through my fingers when I see a blank page. My only way out from my daily life has become a job.

My dad said this to me today. And that was all I needed to hear to get back into writing. Baby steps, Sue. Baby steps.

Another.

So, this just happened. Are you happy now, Chris? Any girls who want him can call him at 1-800-DUMBASS. He's seriously the best. No one can compare to him.

*rolls eyes*

Matter.

My life is a joke.

Just when things start to move smoothly, shit happens. Like, when I finally negotiated with myself and decided that if I can't study Law now, I shall study it later. I'll just continue with English Literature because I enjoy it. The best part is that even my parents have come to terms with this and allowed me to pursue a degree in English Literature and study Law later. But no, life decides to drop a pile of shit at my door with a 'hey there!' note.

I guess I've become a very cynical person because of how life has been treating me. I fell in love with a guy and he disappears. I managed to score great results for STPM but I can't study Law in the university of my choice. I made a compromise with myself and told myself that I wouldn't mind English Literature if my appeal for Law comes back with a no and now, I can't even study English Literature. O, the irony.

Yes, I do feel a sense of loss because I am really interested in studying English Literature. Forcing me to study grammar and write 3000 word essays instead of reading American and British classics doesn't feel like the kind of education I want to have. I do understand that some people can't cope with literature because of the lack of background in it and that this course wasn't their first choice so yes, I can sympathise with you. But let this be about me this time. Let me be selfish this time and say that I really want to study literature and not English. Screw democracy and the votes of the majority this time. Just this one time.

I teared up a little when I explained to Chris about my situation and how I can never get things my way. No Law, no English Literature. I am forced to comply again. Study what I have to study because of other people. It's like, studying Moral again because the Government says so. When can I ever study something that I want? When can I finally learn something that isn't forced upon me?

The joke's on me again. Har har.

Flame.

Let me tell you about the most amazing thing that happened during Sigur Rós' concert in Fort Canning Park last Friday. The rain. The motherfucking rain that started when they began the last song. It was as if nature was collaborating with them to create the best gig experience ever.

When I finally arrived in Singapore, rain was everywhere. I detested the rain. It held us back from getting to the hotel. We had to look for the hotel and walk around aimlessly with bags on our backs under the rain. We arrived at a muddy and wet concert venue. I hated the rain. This wasn't the kind of experience I was imagining myself in when I daydreamed about the concert. There were supposed to be fireflies around, not fucking mud and wet grass.

Ah, but the rain. The rain that was perfectly synced with Untitled #8 aka Popplagið - it was the perfect rain. It wasn't just drizzles or rain that came and went and again, came and went. The rain started right when they played the first note of Popplagið and as the song progressed, the rain became heavier. When they finally reached the climax of the song, the rain poured like never before. It was as if someone was literally pouring buckets of water on all of us. And then, the rain immediately stopped once they played the last note. The rain didn't slow down - it just stopped.

It was the best gig experience I've ever had.

I felt cleansed after that wet show. I was reborn.

Read more about this gig on Vanessa's blog because c'mon, it's fucking Sigur Rós and no one should ever get enough of Sigur Rós. 

Parachutes.

Time moves really fast when I'm studying in university. I still can't get over the fact that nine weeks passed just like that. I'm already halfway through my first semester. Just four more weeks and I'll be sitting for my first exam in university. Exams sound daunting because I have no idea how the papers are going to be like and I am pushed into a situation like this without any prior knowledge of the content or the proper way to answer the papers.

I've been doing pretty well in my first half of the first semester. However, I am getting a little lazy now (I'm not submitting optional homework like I used to anymore, meh) and I am determined to change that. I shall not be a lazy university student! I SHAN'T.

Sometimes I worry that if my appeal to change courses to Law goes through, I'll have to leave the current friends that I have come to adore and cherish. I'll have to enter a course where everyone has had time to warm up to and I have to start anew. I have to look for study buddies. I don't know if I will do well in Law. All this terrifies me and I didn't want to type it out because that would just mean that the fear is real and is brooding in the corner of my mind. I fear I might not excel in something that has been pushing me forward. I fear failure in an interest of many years. I fear hating a dream that has become a part of me. I am frightened that my view of Law since I was a child is not what I expect it to be.

I guess I shouldn't worry so much about something that has not happened. To end on a lighter note, according to Chris, I look like this whenever we talk he talks rubbish.

I'm so fucking adorable.

Fear.

Hold.

The one thing that I adore in reading is that 'OH' moment. It needs to be an 'OH' and not a mere 'oh'. The feeling when everything makes sense or when you realise that something that has always been there like say, water or a tree means something all together is the best feeling in the world. I love creating meaning in things. I love the idea of an object being a symbol of something. 

That 'OH' moment is the best feeling ever as a Literature student.

Broad.

"You'll meet lifelong friends in university!"

"There are hot guys everywhere in the campus so don't bother getting attached yet."

"University life is going to be the best years of your life!"

"You are going to be best friends with your roommates because you can have girly talks all night long."

So far, none of these has been proven true. I'm not keeping a close mind and pushing people who wants to get to know me. It's just that, I can call some of these statements that have been flying around since I was eighteen bullshit. One, there are no hot guys walking around in the campus. Even if there are, they are in the minority. And probably not even single. Two, I have met my roommates and I don't think I'm going to be the best of friends with them because we are pretty different in our lifestyles. I know - ah, damn it. A paper cut. Why do you have to do this to me, Murakami? As I was saying, I know Lee Hom Wang but I don't know him. Similarly, they don't know my favourite musicians. It's pretty hard to be bonding over common interests when the only common interests we have are stray monkeys hanging outside our window and stinky dorm toilets. Sure, we can be friends but best friends? 

I'm still a newbie in the university so I can't really cross out lifelong friends and memorable university life yet. 

Seriously, I'm not the only one who has heard these statements. It's like, almost everyone - if not everyone has heard of this and they, like me came to university with high expectations that we are going to meet our soul mates here and stay all night long gossiping and giggling over cute guys with our roommates. 

I'm guessing that there is a sadistic secret organisation that feeds off of broken hopes and dreams from students and they are the ones responsible for spreading these rumours to our older friends, teachers and basically anyone that can influence us. 

More.

Well, like any other good university student, I am procrastinating pretty well. I have an assignment due this Thursday and I am only 20% done.

So, how have I been?

Sometimes the days are tiring, despite having only one or two classes. I don't know how or why I am so tired - so tired that I could be sleeping by 11:30pm. I thought I was sinking into apathy again but that is quite impossible since I am contented with my life right now. Maybe it's the part where I have to move from one place to another; room to class, class to library, library to class, class to library, library to room. However, I'm not truly convinced that walking around is actually making me tired since I am a regular brisk walker. I'm not that active in my university either so extra curricular activities couldn't be draining my energy.

I really miss home. I miss my parents, my siblings and my cat.

I don't know if I am happy here. There are days when I am happy to be here, there are days when I dread waking up to begin another day. When I am here, it's like I'm disconnected from the outside world. I can't feel the days passing because it's a cycle of waking up, going to the same building and doing the same things. I can't really distinguish the days from each other because everyday feels the same.