Current.

I'm wrapped up in my faculty's library right now while sitting at a cubicle next to a window. Sun is shining in through the tinted glass but no heat can be felt.

The more I study law, the more I realised that I am not really suitable to be in this field. I'm no longer passionate to learn which is surprising - surprisingly sad. I've always been that person who would spend half a day, reading and Googling about Nordic gods and philosophies of religion.

I don't like the person I am becoming but at the same time, I feel like, this is me growing up? A friend asked me how was literature before I transferred to law and I told him it's less stressful than law and that I do miss studying literature. He then proceeded to tell me that while he was finishing up his research paper which is one of a core paper in law, he felt as if he couldn't fit into the legal field anymore and was thinking about transferring to literature. He took literature during high school. He asked me whether it's too late to transfer to literature now. I smiled at him, told him that it kinda looks like it's a bit too late (he's going into his final year next semester), gave a tiny laugh and shrugged the subject away. Deep inside, I knew exactly how he felt but chose not to talk about it, fearing that it might reignite the feeling of helplessness I had during the transition from literature to law.

I realised I've been awfully whiny. I whined about how I can't blog anymore when I was still in literature because I hated writing due to the large number of assignments I had to write and lost the ability to express myself. Now, I whine about how law school is so stressful and that I can't see myself being in this field. Sigh.

While sitting at the cubicle, thinking about what to write next, I too realised that I have not been too appreciative with the opportunity to study law. All I've been doing is whine and complain about how stressful law is and that I just wanna go back to where I have always been comfortable - literature. I've never really told myself to try and enjoy learning law. There are subjects like Environmental Law that I enjoyed learning - mostly because of the lecturer, Dr. Sarah. She somewhat rekindled my interest and the whole reason I wanted to study law - to help the helpless. People who are affected by environmental hazards like the Lynas case and animals that need people like me to be their voice - these vulnerable groups. But lecturers like her that breathe life into law are hard to come by. It's so hard to be inspired when law is taught to us so that we understand and score during the finals. I guess, we have to take the extra step of looking further than what we are exposed.

Back to studying. Wish me luck, everyone.

Lone.

Dear.

I've been in your shoes, my friend.

Your thoughts and feelings resonate with the past me; the me who was suffering from the exact same thing. The me who thought I could do anything and gave the highest expectation to myself to achieve everything. Effortless 10 A's for SPM, 5A's for STPM in my drowsy, depressed state and then, an almost dean lister, missing it by a pointer of .04 in the first semester of my academic year in English Literature.

Then I went to law school. I got the first 'F' of my whole existence. F for failure. F for fuck-up. I spiraled into existential crisis. What am I doing wrong? Who am I now? I felt stupid, even after giving my all and resulted in nothing. Little did I know, it wasn't horror movies or sudden movements and sounds in the dark that frightened me but mediocrity. I fell from the highest pedestal I've placed myself on with nothing to break that fall. No warnings, no soft surfaces. An 'F' with a couple of C's on a piece of paper was all it took for my occasional depressed state to turn into crippling depression.

Cliché as it may sound, you will come out stronger than ever before. I'm relieved now, knowing that the worst parts are almost over and the good ones are arriving - the part where I learn something from this lesson. The one thing I took away from this is to never stop loving yourself. Find yourself again - get into your interests or find a new one but please find yourself again. Take baby steps to get to the end of the lesson. Take a year or even, two, like me to get there but don't stop trying.

I know I have not been a supportive friend. I needed to get myself right first and I didn't want anyone to see me curled up in apathy. Please understand, Vanessa. We will talk soon, okay?

I hope you will arrive to the good parts soon. Loves.

Authentic.

My stomach hasn't been the strongest lately. The sudden urges to release the 'load', the less-than-solid form of that said 'load', flatulence - it has not been a good week for my stomach. It must prolly have been the large dosage of vitamin C I have been consuming to ward off any ulcers and sore throat. After all, I have always been an ulcer magnet. My mouth will start sprouting ulcers like mushrooms every fortnight. Unhealthy, I know.

I have always been a weak child, trying to be strong. I have a tiny issue with my body - so tiny that it's called thalaessemia minor. The name is pretty scary but technically, it just means that I have the thalaessemia trait that could be passed on to my children and also, mild anaemia. I do have issues of dizziness when I overwork my body but it's nothing I can't handle. What makes me sad is that my thalaessemic state is contributing to my ulcer problem and also, I can't donate blood.

On another note, I'm not looking forward to going back to university after this mid-semester break. I like staying at home and playing with my cats. It's been a while since I have my alone time where I can recuperate and feel like I'm not rushing to go somewhere or do something. There's always something going on in university and frankly, I am exhausted from the hustling and bustling life of a university student. There are days when I want to just attend lectures and tutorials and sneak back home without being stopped for social activities like lunch or dinner.

Haha, I sound like a whiny kid who is too popular for her own good. Well, that's what happen when I have hair and body that everybody yearns for. *rolls eyes*

Retire.

The weather is going bonkers. It has been awfully hot these past few weeks. No one should be under the sun after 9am because holy shit, it is hot. And when it is around 4pm, it starts pouring like the rain clouds have never released rain from their cloud urethra. I wish everyday is a cloudy and windy day.

Except if I have a solar powered car. Because of y'know, sunshine. And power. So, y'know, the car won't remain stationary all the time.


A few quick updates:

1. I'm pretty worried that I might actually not finish my assignment. I have yet to receive a reply email from the NGO I emailed about 4 days ago and their participation in my assignment is crucial. I will have nothing to write about if they do not provide information necessary for the assignment. This is due by the following Monday and I will have to find a new topic to write about if this does not go according to plan. Sigh.
2. I'm finally glad that the exchange students from Shanghai are going back to their country. Between my tutorials and lectures and joining the activities planned out for the Shanghai students, I rarely had any time for myself. The past week, I have been waking up at 5am to prepare for lectures and finish up my tutorials and I only arrive back home after 9pm every other day. I didn't have much time to just sit and relax – what more with Chris . I would immediately crawl to bed to get as much rest as I can. Thankfully, there was a gap between my classes and the closing ceremony of the exchange programme on Thursday that Chris and I took advantage of and went on a mini date to IKEA. 
3. I have a land law test this Wednesday and I am far from prepared for it. Help.

Cute picture of the day! Source: http://lizclimo.tumblr.com/ 

Ashes.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that persons in possession of multiple accounts of social media, must be in want for everyone to not post their happy all the time.

Research. Studies. Articles. More research.

I've deleted my short-lived Instagram account and my Twitter account too. Unfortunately, I can't delete my Facebook account because it would prove difficult to discuss about assignments or obtain updates regarding cancelled lectures or postponed due dates (albeit rarely).

I remember the time when all the social media I used was Facebook, Tumblr and blogging. I was happy, or shall I put it, not terribly depressed. I used Facebook to gather updates about friends and look for new music; Tumblr to create a future I want to be in - the dream wardrobe and dream home; and blogging to express myself without fearing judgment, from the public and from myself. It was a good balance of accepting happiness from others and creating happiness for myself.

Then, I lost it. I stopped going to Tumblr. I stopped blogging. I guess, I lost part of myself when I stopped blogging. I lost my passion to write and ultimately, I lost my outlet to self-expression. These couple of years has been hard on me. The inactivity on my blog is not because I have nothing to say - it is because I can't find the words to say.

I have a feeling that I'm slowly spiraling deeper into my 'cave' - where I stop socialising and responding to people if I could. I realised that I can and will only come out from my 'cave' if I have had enough space and time for myself. So, this is me, helping myself. Blogging shall be my self-treatment. I will not allow myself to fall deeper into depression.

I need to force myself to blog in order for my mind to find solace and peace. I will blog once a week. Yes. For me to stick to something, I need to announce it to everyone.

I will blog once a week.

_______________

Some quick updates:

1. I have a 10am class tomorrow and I should prepare for this week's tutorials. Should. That is the keyword.
2. The longer I study law, the more I feel uncertain about what I'm going to do after I graduate. I am almost certain that I don't want to be a litigator, which is pretty ironic since being a litigator was the reason I pursued law. Studying law has made me question my very being. I thought law was ingrained in my soul. I thought that I am finally pursuing my long-time dream - that I can finally be the person I was meant to be. But, more doubts and self-questioning keep popping in my mind. I might have a much more romantic soul suited for literature than I've expected. Hmm, post for another day, I guess. 
3. I've finally visited tourist attractions in Kuala Lumpur last Friday! With a group of Shanghai exchange students, of course. I saw the Tugu Negara (National Monument) and went on a guided tour around the National Museum! I enjoyed myself so much during the guided tour in the museum that I might go again, but with Chris this time. He will definitely appreciate all the artifacts and the history behind them. 

Cute picture of the day!

I can't link this picture to the original artist or source because I got this from a friend through WhatsApp.

Waiting.

It has not been easy for me to be back here. It took me more than a month, contemplating whether I should start blogging again or let this place I once called my comfort zone rot. My dad randomly commented that I should start writing again – write letters to newspapers so they'll publish it. I've never written letters to newspapers but I think I get what he is trying to say. He noticed that I don't write anymore and it has changed me. Chris also told me that I should get back into blogging. He didn't say anything else but I have a feeling the reason he was nudging me towards blogging again is probably, blogging used to be chicken soup for my soul. And I have been cold and lost on the inside.

Last night, I came back here and I saw the state of my blog. The pictures that once gave colours to this grey layout was gone and was replaced with a box with a 'no entry' sign. Copyright issues, I guess. The only colour on the blog was the picture of myself on the right hand side of this blog. You could even imagine seeing cobwebs at the corners of this blog. It looked old and dusty.

It's raining now. Grey skies complement the grey shades of this blog. How apt.

Blogging has been a form of self reflection. I sit at the table, face my laptop and reflect on my thoughts and actions. I have not been doing that lately. And by lately, I mean for almost a year now. But, do you know what I am doing right now? I stare at the walls in front of me, thinking about what I am thinking about. And I stare at the laptop again. And. Nothing. I don't know where my thoughts are anymore.

No. This is what I think. I lost myself. I don't know myself or my thoughts anymore. I don't have any interests anymore. I'm not reading. I'm not looking or listening to new bands or new music anymore. I don't follow fandoms anymore. I don't follow up TV series that I used to love and adore. I don't even blog. I have lost all passion for passion.

I need to find myself again. It's okay if I don't feel passionate for the things I used to be passionate anymore but, I need to rediscover myself and feel alive on the inside. Because right now, numbness is enveloping me.

Games.

One amazing week with Chris and then, he had to leave so abruptly. I can't say I'm frustrated or just sad because it wasn't his decision to leave. He had to leave.

Why can't I be a little more selfish? After all, I earned this mid sem break after weeks of hectic schedule. I deserve to wind down with him – the physical him since long distance relationships limits many aspects of a relationship. It doesn't help when he's so frustrated with matters at home and I can't do much to ease it for him.

"Don't be silly. You're there for me," he says. I wish I could do more than just being there for you, Chris.

Descending.

It has been a hectic week and I have been looking forward to relaxing at home with my parents and start catching up with friends and family all week. And finally, the week is over. I'm officially on my mid-semester break. And I'm happy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much I have progressed in terms of socialising and making friends ever since I changed courses, leaving my passion for literature temporarily. I've always felt like I've never truly fitted in the faculty. No true friends with whom I can just chill and relax with, no one clique of friends I can call my own. I've always felt like an outsider, peering and watching them interact and socialise – and bond. And then, I started noticing that some interactions are merely superficial. Friends gossipping about each other, passive-aggressive relationships in cliques. Of course I do not comment about it because I'm just the new kid in the faculty. I guess that all this really just made me not put in any effort into making friends or getting close with anyone because I've seen the value of friendships to them. So, I chose to be reserved and kept my matters to myself. That was about eight months ago.

Today, I realised that all hope is not lost. I think there are some potential friendships that could turn out to become more – I can see myself with a close friend(s) now. And it's a nice feeling. I am going to try to be more approachable and actually put some effort into these people. It has not been easy for me to make friends. There has been a gradual change in my personality from being overly friendly to the point that people think I might be romantically interested in them (haha what) to being so reserved that some high school friends commented that I'm too quiet and serious.

Is it horrible of me to think that some people are really just not worth my time and effort? Because that's what I do whenever I decide if the friendship is worth all the effort. I think it's very selfish of me to have that mentality but so far, it has shielded me from people who could potentially hurt me.

I don't know. I feel horrible for saying and thinking that way. As if I'm the all mighty person who judges if a person's worth is up to my standards.

Hmm.