One amazing week with Chris and then, he had to leave so abruptly. I can't say I'm frustrated or just sad because it wasn't his decision to leave. He had to leave.
Why can't I be a little more selfish? After all, I earned this mid sem break after weeks of hectic schedule. I deserve to wind down with him – the physical him since long distance relationships limits many aspects of a relationship. It doesn't help when he's so frustrated with matters at home and I can't do much to ease it for him.
"Don't be silly. You're there for me," he says. I wish I could do more than just being there for you, Chris.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Descending.
It has been a hectic week and I have been looking forward to relaxing at home with my parents and start catching up with friends and family all week. And finally, the week is over. I'm officially on my mid-semester break. And I'm happy.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much I have progressed in terms of socialising and making friends ever since I changed courses, leaving my passion for literature temporarily. I've always felt like I've never truly fitted in the faculty. No true friends with whom I can just chill and relax with, no one clique of friends I can call my own. I've always felt like an outsider, peering and watching them interact and socialise – and bond. And then, I started noticing that some interactions are merely superficial. Friends gossipping about each other, passive-aggressive relationships in cliques. Of course I do not comment about it because I'm just the new kid in the faculty. I guess that all this really just made me not put in any effort into making friends or getting close with anyone because I've seen the value of friendships to them. So, I chose to be reserved and kept my matters to myself. That was about eight months ago.
Today, I realised that all hope is not lost. I think there are some potential friendships that could turn out to become more – I can see myself with a close friend(s) now. And it's a nice feeling. I am going to try to be more approachable and actually put some effort into these people. It has not been easy for me to make friends. There has been a gradual change in my personality from being overly friendly to the point that people think I might be romantically interested in them (haha what) to being so reserved that some high school friends commented that I'm too quiet and serious.
Is it horrible of me to think that some people are really just not worth my time and effort? Because that's what I do whenever I decide if the friendship is worth all the effort. I think it's very selfish of me to have that mentality but so far, it has shielded me from people who could potentially hurt me.
I don't know. I feel horrible for saying and thinking that way. As if I'm the all mighty person who judges if a person's worth is up to my standards.
Hmm.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much I have progressed in terms of socialising and making friends ever since I changed courses, leaving my passion for literature temporarily. I've always felt like I've never truly fitted in the faculty. No true friends with whom I can just chill and relax with, no one clique of friends I can call my own. I've always felt like an outsider, peering and watching them interact and socialise – and bond. And then, I started noticing that some interactions are merely superficial. Friends gossipping about each other, passive-aggressive relationships in cliques. Of course I do not comment about it because I'm just the new kid in the faculty. I guess that all this really just made me not put in any effort into making friends or getting close with anyone because I've seen the value of friendships to them. So, I chose to be reserved and kept my matters to myself. That was about eight months ago.
Today, I realised that all hope is not lost. I think there are some potential friendships that could turn out to become more – I can see myself with a close friend(s) now. And it's a nice feeling. I am going to try to be more approachable and actually put some effort into these people. It has not been easy for me to make friends. There has been a gradual change in my personality from being overly friendly to the point that people think I might be romantically interested in them (haha what) to being so reserved that some high school friends commented that I'm too quiet and serious.
Is it horrible of me to think that some people are really just not worth my time and effort? Because that's what I do whenever I decide if the friendship is worth all the effort. I think it's very selfish of me to have that mentality but so far, it has shielded me from people who could potentially hurt me.
I don't know. I feel horrible for saying and thinking that way. As if I'm the all mighty person who judges if a person's worth is up to my standards.
Hmm.
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