Games.

One amazing week with Chris and then, he had to leave so abruptly. I can't say I'm frustrated or just sad because it wasn't his decision to leave. He had to leave.

Why can't I be a little more selfish? After all, I earned this mid sem break after weeks of hectic schedule. I deserve to wind down with him – the physical him since long distance relationships limits many aspects of a relationship. It doesn't help when he's so frustrated with matters at home and I can't do much to ease it for him.

"Don't be silly. You're there for me," he says. I wish I could do more than just being there for you, Chris.

Descending.

It has been a hectic week and I have been looking forward to relaxing at home with my parents and start catching up with friends and family all week. And finally, the week is over. I'm officially on my mid-semester break. And I'm happy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much I have progressed in terms of socialising and making friends ever since I changed courses, leaving my passion for literature temporarily. I've always felt like I've never truly fitted in the faculty. No true friends with whom I can just chill and relax with, no one clique of friends I can call my own. I've always felt like an outsider, peering and watching them interact and socialise – and bond. And then, I started noticing that some interactions are merely superficial. Friends gossipping about each other, passive-aggressive relationships in cliques. Of course I do not comment about it because I'm just the new kid in the faculty. I guess that all this really just made me not put in any effort into making friends or getting close with anyone because I've seen the value of friendships to them. So, I chose to be reserved and kept my matters to myself. That was about eight months ago.

Today, I realised that all hope is not lost. I think there are some potential friendships that could turn out to become more – I can see myself with a close friend(s) now. And it's a nice feeling. I am going to try to be more approachable and actually put some effort into these people. It has not been easy for me to make friends. There has been a gradual change in my personality from being overly friendly to the point that people think I might be romantically interested in them (haha what) to being so reserved that some high school friends commented that I'm too quiet and serious.

Is it horrible of me to think that some people are really just not worth my time and effort? Because that's what I do whenever I decide if the friendship is worth all the effort. I think it's very selfish of me to have that mentality but so far, it has shielded me from people who could potentially hurt me.

I don't know. I feel horrible for saying and thinking that way. As if I'm the all mighty person who judges if a person's worth is up to my standards.

Hmm.

Wait.

This morning, my heart was filled with dread. While walking to my car to head off to university, I felt so exhausted with life. I entered my car and I sat inside the car for a good ten minutes, not moving. I had difficulties in breathing and my head was spinning. I cried silently. I am so tired. I am tired of my routinic life. I am so tired of using the same route to go to classes. I am tired of looking at the same road, trees and houses.

I'm tired of feeling so helpless. I am tired of not truly understanding the subjects I'm currently studying. I hate feeling lost in lectures. I feel so unmotivated...so weak. I tried doing extra by reading cases and textbooks before classes but I am still struggling. I am tired of having my support system – my parents and Chris – so far away from me. A hug from them –  heck, from anyone will help so much now.

I want to escape and get away for a while but I can't. I am tied down by obligations. I don't understand why I have to feel like this every semester in university. I'm not depressed or suffering from emotional breakdown. I'm just very exhausted with life.

This weariness is killing me inside.

Safe.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." 

   - C.S. Lewis

This is my favourite quote of the day, linked to me by Chris. People always say that falling in love is the sweetest part of a relationship. I think that loving a person and knowing that that person loves you back is the best part because everyone falls in love at a different pace. You could already be falling in love and the other person is still not there yet. It is scary to be the person who is ahead in a relationship. You worry that you are rushing into things and that there could be a possibility that the other person might not even reach love part of the relationship. Falling in love is some scary shit.

And of course, this marks the comeback of my blogging days! Hello again, Internet.

Natural

I'm alone in my room in my dorm for the first time. My roommates have left me to go back home. Honestly, I am happy to have this whole room to myself for once. I've never had this room to myself before and it feels very liberating to be able to do anything I want without being worried that one of them will open the door. I can finally blast my music without being assholey roommate!

Tonight is my last night in this room.

I'm finally done with my first year. The next time I step into university, I'll be a second year student. It's pretty scary, how fast time flies. Life in university is very quick. You blink and you're already done with one year.

I have met so many amazing people during my first year. My English coursemates who will always be my coursemates, All Outers who have given me a place to run from reality for just a while, and many, many friends.

I actually miss my roommates. We would never have become friends if we were not assigned to this room. Different background, different mentality. But I really do miss them now. I wish them well.

I am going to miss the friends who are going to graduate soon. They have inspired me to be just as amazing of a senior like they have been to me. Good luck in your future undertakings.

Here's to more memories.

Ivy.

I'm in a better place now. After much persuasion from Chris, I finally sought out professional help. I've had a couple of meetings with a counselor and he managed to help me tune my mental state to be a more positive one. I'm feeling much better now and I think I can do this. I'm actually not ashamed to tell people that I have a meeting with a counselor because I don't think it's something to be embarrassed about. However, some people really should change their views on counselors. Just because I have a counselor to talk to doesn't mean I am mentally unstable or that I am going to commit suicide. I just need a professional to help me identify the reason I think the way I thought before.

I chose to not blog about this earlier because I didn't want to jinx this. I didn't want to go all "hey I'm going to be better now yay!" and then become depressed again.

So, I guess you guys can expect more posts from me now.

Small.

I am aware of my inactive status here on this blog. No, it's not because I wanted to abandon this blog nor was I too busy to update. I was in a really bad state. I didn't want to use this blog to write depressing stuff. I wanted to stay positive. But, I did cry and was stressed out over everything. The first few weeks of being a law student was hard. It still is, but bearable now. I realised that my dream to work for the people is still so far away. Becoming a law student doesn't make that dream feel any more tangible than when I was in Form Three. It feels like it's still just a dream, not a goal.

Is this me slowly giving up on this lifelong goal because I can't see myself in a couple of years, graduating as a law student and giving help to those who need it most? I feel as if my passion to help others is faltering because the subject is difficult. It is beginning to make me dislike law. I asked myself, why do I have to go through such misery as a student to fight for the people? Why do I have to put myself in so much emotional distress and suffering? Are they really worth it? I had to leave a place where I have come to love and adore to start something that is foreign to me in the middle of the second semester. Will they understand what I had to sacrifice? I miss my friends. I miss my lecturers. I miss the familiar environment. These are the few things that made me recover from my previous state of mind that is filled with gloom and uncertainty. And now, I sense that apathetic state of mind slowly creeping in.

There will come a day when I will stop crying and it might not be due to the fact that I am happily adjusted in this new environment.

Logic.

Taken from Xin Wei

YES, IT IS.

I am a proud mother to this umbrella worm.

Rest.

I guess, I should start blogging again, huh?

Energy.

Be myself. What does that even mean? I am not born with the knowledge of being myself. Be myself. It sounds ridiculous. I am who I am today because of external influences that has shaped my being. Television shows that entertain me, influential people that I follow closely, books that brought me endless journeys, movies that opened up my mind to countless possibilities, friends who allowed me to be comfortable experimenting the types of personality available, family who loves me no matter what kind of self I am being - these are the things that create me. I am just puzzle pieces of things I stumbled upon that I have come to enjoy being.

It feels amazing to be able to play with words again. I welcome you, tappy fingers!

Mono.