I am aware of my inactive status here on this blog. No, it's not because I wanted to abandon this blog nor was I too busy to update. I was in a really bad state. I didn't want to use this blog to write depressing stuff. I wanted to stay positive. But, I did cry and was stressed out over everything. The first few weeks of being a law student was hard. It still is, but bearable now. I realised that my dream to work for the people is still so far away. Becoming a law student doesn't make that dream feel any more tangible than when I was in Form Three. It feels like it's still just a dream, not a goal.
Is this me slowly giving up on this lifelong goal because I can't see myself in a couple of years, graduating as a law student and giving help to those who need it most? I feel as if my passion to help others is faltering because the subject is difficult. It is beginning to make me dislike law. I asked myself, why do I have to go through such misery as a student to fight for the people? Why do I have to put myself in so much emotional distress and suffering? Are they really worth it? I had to leave a place where I have come to love and adore to start something that is foreign to me in the middle of the second semester. Will they understand what I had to sacrifice? I miss my friends. I miss my lecturers. I miss the familiar environment. These are the few things that made me recover from my previous state of mind that is filled with gloom and uncertainty. And now, I sense that apathetic state of mind slowly creeping in.
There will come a day when I will stop crying and it might not be due to the fact that I am happily adjusted in this new environment.
1 comment:
I really really really wish I could tell you to keep going after your dream and believing in it and that it's worth sacrificing what you have for the sake of helping people, but unfortunately I think that's something you have to figure out for yourself.
But what I can tell you is that I don't ever ever want to see you go back to the way you were just a year a bit ago. I don't want the Sue Fyenn who was listless and empty and hollow and cried herself to sleep more times than she could count and found no pleasure in anything and pushed people away because dealing with human contact was too painful or burdensome. The apathy, the can't-give-a-shit, the running away to the Cave and ignoring phone calls and texts. I really, really, really don't want you to go there again.
And it feels so fucking horrible to know that you've been put into that position again. It feels SO fucking horrible to think that you've been robbed of your stability and your anchors just as you were getting used to starting over, and I am so so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult these last few weeks must have been for you, I truly can't.
All I can tell you is the same thing I told you the last time, and that I've been telling you ever since : I'm here. Your friends are here. I am always a text or call or FB message away - any goddamned time of day or night when you feel like talking or venting or you feel you're going a little too far darkside than you're comfortable with. That first instinct you have to go hide away, reach out to someone instead. Anyone. Because you're a fucking awesome human being who doesn't deserve to feel the way you do, and it's not like we can help much other than listen to you and spend time with you and supply you with honey badger videos to help you be okay.
And there will come a day when you will stop crying not because of apathy. And maybe not even because you're happily adjusted. Maybe you'll stop crying because, hey, you're okay, and you can get through this, and honestly dude. Sometimes just being OKAY is a victory in itself, and I am so there to help you reach that place. Any time.
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