Dear.

I've been in your shoes, my friend.

Your thoughts and feelings resonate with the past me; the me who was suffering from the exact same thing. The me who thought I could do anything and gave the highest expectation to myself to achieve everything. Effortless 10 A's for SPM, 5A's for STPM in my drowsy, depressed state and then, an almost dean lister, missing it by a pointer of .04 in the first semester of my academic year in English Literature.

Then I went to law school. I got the first 'F' of my whole existence. F for failure. F for fuck-up. I spiraled into existential crisis. What am I doing wrong? Who am I now? I felt stupid, even after giving my all and resulted in nothing. Little did I know, it wasn't horror movies or sudden movements and sounds in the dark that frightened me but mediocrity. I fell from the highest pedestal I've placed myself on with nothing to break that fall. No warnings, no soft surfaces. An 'F' with a couple of C's on a piece of paper was all it took for my occasional depressed state to turn into crippling depression.

Cliché as it may sound, you will come out stronger than ever before. I'm relieved now, knowing that the worst parts are almost over and the good ones are arriving - the part where I learn something from this lesson. The one thing I took away from this is to never stop loving yourself. Find yourself again - get into your interests or find a new one but please find yourself again. Take baby steps to get to the end of the lesson. Take a year or even, two, like me to get there but don't stop trying.

I know I have not been a supportive friend. I needed to get myself right first and I didn't want anyone to see me curled up in apathy. Please understand, Vanessa. We will talk soon, okay?

I hope you will arrive to the good parts soon. Loves.

Authentic.

My stomach hasn't been the strongest lately. The sudden urges to release the 'load', the less-than-solid form of that said 'load', flatulence - it has not been a good week for my stomach. It must prolly have been the large dosage of vitamin C I have been consuming to ward off any ulcers and sore throat. After all, I have always been an ulcer magnet. My mouth will start sprouting ulcers like mushrooms every fortnight. Unhealthy, I know.

I have always been a weak child, trying to be strong. I have a tiny issue with my body - so tiny that it's called thalaessemia minor. The name is pretty scary but technically, it just means that I have the thalaessemia trait that could be passed on to my children and also, mild anaemia. I do have issues of dizziness when I overwork my body but it's nothing I can't handle. What makes me sad is that my thalaessemic state is contributing to my ulcer problem and also, I can't donate blood.

On another note, I'm not looking forward to going back to university after this mid-semester break. I like staying at home and playing with my cats. It's been a while since I have my alone time where I can recuperate and feel like I'm not rushing to go somewhere or do something. There's always something going on in university and frankly, I am exhausted from the hustling and bustling life of a university student. There are days when I want to just attend lectures and tutorials and sneak back home without being stopped for social activities like lunch or dinner.

Haha, I sound like a whiny kid who is too popular for her own good. Well, that's what happen when I have hair and body that everybody yearns for. *rolls eyes*

Retire.

The weather is going bonkers. It has been awfully hot these past few weeks. No one should be under the sun after 9am because holy shit, it is hot. And when it is around 4pm, it starts pouring like the rain clouds have never released rain from their cloud urethra. I wish everyday is a cloudy and windy day.

Except if I have a solar powered car. Because of y'know, sunshine. And power. So, y'know, the car won't remain stationary all the time.


A few quick updates:

1. I'm pretty worried that I might actually not finish my assignment. I have yet to receive a reply email from the NGO I emailed about 4 days ago and their participation in my assignment is crucial. I will have nothing to write about if they do not provide information necessary for the assignment. This is due by the following Monday and I will have to find a new topic to write about if this does not go according to plan. Sigh.
2. I'm finally glad that the exchange students from Shanghai are going back to their country. Between my tutorials and lectures and joining the activities planned out for the Shanghai students, I rarely had any time for myself. The past week, I have been waking up at 5am to prepare for lectures and finish up my tutorials and I only arrive back home after 9pm every other day. I didn't have much time to just sit and relax – what more with Chris . I would immediately crawl to bed to get as much rest as I can. Thankfully, there was a gap between my classes and the closing ceremony of the exchange programme on Thursday that Chris and I took advantage of and went on a mini date to IKEA. 
3. I have a land law test this Wednesday and I am far from prepared for it. Help.

Cute picture of the day! Source: http://lizclimo.tumblr.com/