I've been in your shoes, my friend.
Your thoughts and feelings resonate with the past me; the me who was suffering from the exact same thing. The me who thought I could do anything and gave the highest expectation to myself to achieve everything. Effortless 10 A's for SPM, 5A's for STPM in my drowsy, depressed state and then, an almost dean lister, missing it by a pointer of .04 in the first semester of my academic year in English Literature.
Then I went to law school. I got the first 'F' of my whole existence. F for failure. F for fuck-up. I spiraled into existential crisis. What am I doing wrong? Who am I now? I felt stupid, even after giving my all and resulted in nothing. Little did I know, it wasn't horror movies or sudden movements and sounds in the dark that frightened me but mediocrity. I fell from the highest pedestal I've placed myself on with nothing to break that fall. No warnings, no soft surfaces. An 'F' with a couple of C's on a piece of paper was all it took for my occasional depressed state to turn into crippling depression.
Cliché as it may sound, you will come out stronger than ever before. I'm relieved now, knowing that the worst parts are almost over and the good ones are arriving - the part where I learn something from this lesson. The one thing I took away from this is to never stop loving yourself. Find yourself again - get into your interests or find a new one but please find yourself again. Take baby steps to get to the end of the lesson. Take a year or even, two, like me to get there but don't stop trying.
I know I have not been a supportive friend. I needed to get myself right first and I didn't want anyone to see me curled up in apathy. Please understand, Vanessa. We will talk soon, okay?
I hope you will arrive to the good parts soon. Loves.
1 comment:
I'm bookmarking this post. Thank you.
I think most of all right now I'm really really glad you are able to refer to your "past self" as a sign that you're moving on and growing, even if it's taken a long time. I'm really relieved and happy for you too <3
And it's okay, I don't blame you at all (especially now that I know what it feels like, you don't want anyone to see you like this, but *especially* the people who know you well). I know I haven't been the most helpful friend either, and even when I tried *too* hard too help I must have been too much of a burden on you. I apologize for that, and for the times I didn't give you the space you actually needed to heal. I really do.
And thank you for the advice - it's weird because it's all the things I KNOW I need to do to get out of this, but the apathy and the self-loathing is so strong that I can't necessarily point out anything that I like about myself, or any reason to move on. Like I'm a glass box or something and I can see all my responsibilities and obligations tapping on the other side and I'm like "oh look at that. I'm gonna go and hide again now".
And seeing myself this pathetic and weak makes me think I can never be strong or assertive or confident ever again. Like I logically know I am better than that, but it's so hard to believe it? Idk.
But I'll try because I have to, and because nobody else can do it for me. Thank you so much for this again. I hope when we meet/talk next I'll be at least a little bit better, if not entirely out of the shithole just yet <3
Post a Comment