Dust.

"As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts,
Oh, the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms,
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss, your beauty trumped my doubt.

And my head told my heart,
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head,
"This time, no,
This time, no."

Winter Winds ; Mumford and Sons

I wonder how it is so easy for some to get into and out of relationships. I hear how a handful of people can easily get back into the dating sphere weeks after they'd just ended a relationship. I'm not going to bring up the question of whether the previous relationship had any significance to them, based on their speed of recovery and wanting to find a new significant other to show their love to. The question in mind today is how their hearts can constantly take the beatings; how they can repeatedly risk their hearts for a relationship.

A romantic relationship is simple; you either end up getting married or breaking up. Nothing in between. 50/50. You would actually have the best odds if you were in a casino. Yet, a relationship is not something I would gamble on. I'm not trying to say that these people who have relationships love playing with their hearts and emotions. Good for you people who have good and happy relationships. I'm just not sure whether I respect these people who believe that love is the most important thing in life and will not stop at anything until they find it or doubt their sanity for allowing themselves to be so vulnerable to pain and misery. Let's face it, getting rejected after allowing another person to be part of your life pretty much fucking sucks. So, these people could either be really amazing or just plain silly.

I don't think I can allow myself to be in that position yet. The position where you bare your soul and heart to another person and just hope that he accepts you for who you are. It's too frightening to think about it right now but I know, at some point of my life, I will do it again and I hope I won't lose myself in the process. I guess that's why it's so much easier to have musician crushes because you can love them 100% without getting hurt. You love their music and they will love you back. Musicians risk their hearts by putting out songs that have sentimental values in it and you will have that connection with them when you can relate to their lyrics and music. They will love you regardless of age, skin tone and background because you have accepted them for who they are; flaws and all. They don't need to know us personally because we have already connected with each other at a very personal level; through the raw emotions in their lyrics and music. That's why I feel that musicians should be celebrated because they are one of the strongest people I know; they are willing to forego the conventional way of living by pursuing their passion for music and they bare their souls to everyone and thus, allowing every single person in the world to judge them.

But I digress. I can't say I've gone through enough relationships to say that love is worth it. I know a few who start relationships because they fear the cold; the loneliness. I've experienced many cold nights but it is not enough for me to enter into a relationship just to feel loved. I don't think I have a phobia for romantic relationships but to put yourself on a platter to be handed it to another person to decide if you're worth fighting for, that idea is too just too absurd for me right now.

"Remember spring swaps snow for leaves,
You'll be happy and wholesome again."

Winter Winds ; Mumford and Sons

Until spring comes, I will find comfort in music and friends.