Clean.

I was at the Bersih 3.0 sit-in rally on Saturday and I would like to tell everyone about my experience there. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I stood with people who wanted a change and dared to speak up about it despite knowing that we might be arrested or tear gased just by being there. I dare say that there were easily tens of thousands of people gathered at Masjid Jamek and I am truly thankful that the citizens of Malaysia there and those who were constantly following the updates on the Internet are standing up and demanding what is right.

I had breakfast at a coffee shop nearby the Klang station at about 7:20am and I knew that those who were carrying bags and wearing sports shoes are attending the rally. The ride to KL in the train was fun, despite the train being crammed to the brim with people. Not with just any people, but with people who are going to KL for the same purpose I am going to KL. And once in my life, I felt happy being in a small, enclosed metal tube moving along metal tracks, having to share my foot space with another complete stranger in yellow. Everyone was friendly to each other during that ride. We didn't complain about the lack of space. Or the inability to move our legs. Or having to lean on another as support when the train jerked. Not one complain was muttered because I bet everyone was proud to share that space with another Malaysian who loves the nation just as much. At every station, we saw policemen wandering around. There were about 15 policemen at the Angkasapuri station and that made the people go "woah" and then, laughed a little. 

When we alighted the train at the Kuala Lumpur station, everyone started walking towards Pasar Seni. Again, cops were everywhere. But we didn't bother about them, since I knew that they were only doing their duty. That sight of streets empty from cars and filled with people of different races -- it was beautiful. I even looked at strangers in the eyes and smiled at them. No words were needed at all. I reached Masjid Jamek with my parents and a friend at about 10am and there were almost thousands of people there gathered. The atmosphere is indescribable. There were hundreds of people already sitting on the road. There was a group of men lying on the road, showing us that nothing can possibly make them get up from the road. There were people wearing Guy Fawkes masks. walking around with the Malaysia flag. Then, the chants began. "Hidup Rakyat". "Bersih, Bersih". "Stop Lynas". "Reformasi". Everyone screamed along and that gave me goosebumps. You can feel the energy and hear the echoes bounce off the walls. It was unbelievable. I even cried a little when everyone started singing the national anthem. There were flags from Sabah, Penang and other states but it didn't matter because everyone was there for one reason and the national anthem was the one that bonded us together. I saw a guy from Switzerland walking around and a man told him the reason everyone was there. The only thing I heard him respond (because it was so loud) was "Oh, wow". Oh, wow indeed. 

Believe me when I say I'm trying my hardest to make this into a short post but I can't. It's impossible.

I was on my phone, reading Twitter updates and looking at the pictures of the crowd at the other meeting points until about 12pm when the reception on my phone started getting unstable. I couldn't go on the Internet and my phone had 'emergency calls only' on the screen most of the time. Then, my dad's friend told me that maybe the police had deployed mobile phone jamming devices to discourage the people there from twitting and posting up pictures. While we were there from 10am to 3pm, helicopters were constantly seen and heard and every time a helicopter was around, the people cheered and waved. I was genuinely proud to be among these people. The old, the young, the working class, the students, the able, the disable. Everyone was there. I was home. 

The crowd really got wild after 12pm. The atmosphere was buzzing with excitement. The chants got louder and the number of people at Masjid Jamek started growing by the minute. Every time a political figure is seen there, people cheered and shook hands with him/her. The crowd was so big that they needed bodyguards to make him/her space to move in the crowd. When Ambiga arrived and addressed the crowd, she was greeted with thousands of hands, waving in the air and a deafening "woo!". I couldn't hear what she was saying since she was pretty far from my location and the speakers were not that clear but that didn't stop me from standing under the sun and waiting for the next move. Of course, she somehow made it clear (despite the loud crowd and bad soundsystem) that we are not going to proceed with the walk to the Dataran and told us that we are going to simply sit at wherever we are standing. Huge yellow and green balloons were seen crowd surfing as that was going on. Everyone tried to sit but there wasn't enough space for everyone so she told us that the rally was a success and we can all go back home. That was around 2:45pm and people were still coming. We walked back to the Kuala Lumpur station and five minutes after we left, a woman ran to the lawyers from Bar Council who were just beside us and told them that the police started shooting tear gas canisters at the crowd. The lawyers started following the woman and we continued walking. During the walk to the train station, I really thought that it won't be serious. But it did. It got worse as the minute went by. When I boarded the train, I managed to get access to the Twitter updates from my phone and the updates I read was horrible. They shot dozens of tear gas canisters into the crowd. They shot chemically laced water at the crowd. They sealed the exit points and gave the people no way of escaping.

I was angry. I was sad. I was disappointed. I was a mixture of so many different intense emotions that I was almost in tears. I'm not going to comment on who is at fault for giving a wonderful day a cruel ending. I wasn't there so I am not going to say anything else but this. I am highly positive that the crowd that I have been surrounded for five hours will not smash windows with rocks or hit policemen with cones. The crowd I was around was there for a peaceful assembly. I trust the people -- my people. I mean, I saw a young man greeting 'good morning' to an old man with only a foot. I saw a taxi driver in yellow, donning a Bersih headband, shouting "Siapa nak teksi?" and he gave a thumbs up to everyone. I saw ladies giving out yellow flowers to everyone. I just don't believe that these people provoked the police to start teargassing everyone. And for the police to act so violently? It wasn't called for. 98% of the crowd were there for a peaceful protest and they ended up getting teargassed. Why not only arrest the culprits instead of torturing everyone like that? Why not?

Despite all the blood and tears shed, I can say that if there is another peaceful assembly like this in the future, count me in. I have never been so proud to be a Malaysian. I have never felt so much patriotism in the air. I am brave enough to say that I cried along with the other Malaysians there when we sang 'Negaraku'. I am thankful that I am not alone in this. 

Better.

So. After admitting to myself that I have issues in the blogosphere, I feel much better now. I guess, this is the space where I am most honest with myself. I tell hundreds of lies when it comes to personal issues but when I enter this blog space, I can't lie. Because this is where I am truly at home and at peace. Knowing that certain people are reading this blog has never stopped me from expressing myself, even if it concerns them. I don't write to please others. I write to please myself. Also, the feeling when I can bring myself to type my inner thoughts and click on that publish button? Best feeling ever. It's like, I can take on the world, oh yeah. Plus, supportive friends = gift from God.

In other news, a man dropped his pants in front of me yesterday. He was jogging and his shorts were slowly slipping off his uhh, body because he is a vigorous exerciser, yes. And he pulled his shorts back up. So, technically, he didn't drop his pants upon my request. It was gravity, feeling horny and I was the lucky spectator to be chosen from the hundreds of people jogging around. But still, a man dropped his pants in front of me. That, my friend, was a pleasant surprise. Ah, simple things in life that brings happiness to the world.

And this too.

*gigglegigglesnortgiggle* Oh, James. You make me stumble on my own foot even when I'm sitting on a chair.

Gum.

Okay, so here it goes.

I'm distancing myself from the people around me. Yes, I might have said or implied that I needed time far away from the fast lane to chill. Thus, the reason why I am still jobless (by choice, of course). However, I realised that this is not the reason anymore. Sure, that was the initial purpose to the whole I'm-going-to-stay-at-home-and-just-do-things-I-wanna-do idea -- to recuperate from the emotionally draining year last year. But then, I've actually rested enough to get back out into the world and start doing something else besides watching videos on Youtube. So, what's been holding me back from going out into civilisation, you might ask?

I am a fuck up, that's what. No, I don't need your pity. You don't need to say things that you don't want to say just to comfort me. Wait, what? You don't feel pity for me? I guess I deserve it after the shit I've been pulling. I've been distancing myself from people. Not just people I care or people I know. People, in general. Now, who in the world does that with a conscious mind? I have friends who care for me and wish to see me happy but all I've been doing is ignoring their calls and messages. I have friends who are going through shit and instead of listening to their problems or consoling them, I run away. I hide in a hole that is my room, far away from creatures who speak the same language as I do. I don't go out either. It's like, I've stopped socialising all together. I don't know what or why -- wait, I actually do and this is the whole point of this post.

I am afraid. There, I've said it. I'm hesitating to get too close to the people I care because I'm afraid they will leave me. Oh, man. This sounds like those reasons men who can't commit give to women. You see, I'm still a little hung up from my previous relationship. I mentioned that I was going to be okay and all that but that was just a facade I put on so people will stop hanging around my back. I didn't like people paying extra attention on me after my breakup because I am a wounded bird who just fell from the tree because I suck as a bird because which bird actually falls from a tree? There's a thing called wings, right? Oh, right. I'm a wounded bird so of course I can't use my wounded wings. But that's not the point. I hated feeling weak and vulnerable. People hanging around me, asking if I'm okay or if I needed chicken soup -- that made me feel useless. Like, I can't even handle my own shit and I need people around me to nurse me.

Also, I needed to tell everyone and myself that I'm going to be okay just so I can believe that things will get better. I compressed all the useless I'm-an-emotional-wreck thoughts and feelings and went on with my life. And things did get better. I thought I got better. Ah, fuck. I'm still nursing a broken heart after two years. I have commitment issues. I run away from anything that is remotely close to a good relationship/friendship. All this because I chose to not do the 'WHY DID HE LEAVE ME? DAT ASSHOLE. ALL MEN SHOULD JUST DIE. RELATIONSHIPS SUCK.' rant at that time. I simply ignored that whole scream-aton and went on living. And now, it's backfiring on me. Fucking karma. Just because I decided to be the nice ex-girlfriend. I thought whatever I'm doing to the people around me was because I'm going through that apathy phase again but it is actually much simpler. It's all because of a bad way of handling a breakup. I realised the truth about this situation only this morning while I'm still drugged by the sleep bug.

I don't know how to end this post. Uhm, how about this?

"I eventually got better and I began socialising by communicating with my cat. The End." Or. "I die alone. The End." Probably this sounds better. "I realised that total isolation from human kind is not a healthy thing and so, I opened my front door and stepped out into the sun and before I spoke my first words to my neighbour, I die from a sunburn. The End." Or this.

I'm a total fuck-up who doesn't appreciate her friends and it's only a matter of time that I snap out of it. But before that, can someone just fucking hammer some sense into my head because I really love my friends? I'm really sorry, guys. The End.

Idea.

Scene : Elder brother calls. I answer his call.

Bro : Hey, I have a file to send to you.
Me : What? You want to give me some pau?
Bro : File! I have a file to send to you!
Me : What? You're giving me an angpau?
Bro : Song! I'm emailing you a song!
Me : What? You have a bong?
Bro : A SONG. S-O-N-G.
Me : What? F-O-N-G?
Bro : *clearly frustrated* Never mind. I'll text--
Me : You should send me a text. I don't understand whatever you're saying. 

Either the mobile telephone reception in my area is awful or I'm going deaf.

Track.

I have a pimple on my nose. I wonder if there's a certain age when pimples just stop popping out from random areas of my face.

Which reminds me, I actually don't know how to do personal grooming on myself. I don't know how to shape my eyebrows or curl my eyelashes with mascara or that eyelash curler thingy. Wow, thingy doesn't have a red squiggle underneath it. I must've used that word so many times that I managed to fool Blogger to believe it's a real word. I don't know how to use anything in a make-up kit and I just found out about this thing called the bronzer just a month back. I don't use moisturizer or any sort of cream on my face and skin which prolly caused the pimple to sprout.

Or not. I could still have those oh-my-goodness-I'm-in-the-transition-of-being-a-hormonal-teenager-whut hormones inside my body.

I'm not sure if this is going to be a plus point since this is as natural as anyone can get or just one of the many obstacles because I'm à la cavewoman when the search of a boyfriend in my university years begins.

Going into cosmetic shops like M.A.C or Sephora gives me the heebie jeebies because it is such an awkward place for a person who is a total lost when it comes to cosmetics to be. Put me in a big ass bookstore cramped with books or a two-floored CD shop filled with CDs on each shelf and you will summon the Gandhi in me. The smell of new books and the feeling of the plastic wrapper of an unopened CD has some kind of therapeutic effect on my body because my body just goes on calm mode. But a Bobbi Brown or uhm, insert-some-random-female-name-that-sounds-like-an-expensive-cosmetic-brand shop? Awkwaarrddd.

I might be the only girl among people my age who is all 'no thank you, make-up. I'm happy with the sebum resting on my face'. Maybe in five years' time, I'll be one of those people who goes into these shops to get the finest concealer. Har har.

Spell.

My room smells like bread. Not that it matters but yeah, my room smells like bread.

Speaking of bread :

OH. MY. GOD.

No length of the combination of alphabets 'H' and 'A' will be enough to show how hard I lost it.

Hill.

"Once we get into combat, the only people you can trust is yourself and the fellow next to you."  

Guanere, Band of Brothers

I just finished watching the first episode of Band of Brothers and all I can think to myself is, "These men came from different walks of life, left their homes and loved ones behind to volunteer to fight a war for their country and people. And they depended on no one but themselves." They put their lives in each other's hands -- no questions asked. They don't doubt the people they are fighting alongside with them because they are going into an unknown territory for the same reasons and aim and that is, to win a war and to just come out of the battlefield alive. Together. That one word and boy, is it a powerful word. They are going in together and only desire to come out together. Guh, men and their fucking brotherly bonds that are developed while they are training for war. I am so jealous of the bond that holds them together so tightly that they are willing to die for each other. And to believe that they were strangers before that.

Damn it. These men are the real unsung heroes. And I am only at episode one. I am going to be an emotional wreck once I am done with this.