I'm distancing myself from the people around me. Yes, I might have said or implied that I needed time far away from the fast lane to chill. Thus, the reason why I am still jobless (by choice, of course). However, I realised that this is not the reason anymore. Sure, that was the initial purpose to the whole I'm-going-to-stay-at-home-and-just-do-things-I-wanna-do idea -- to recuperate from the emotionally draining year last year. But then, I've actually rested enough to get back out into the world and start doing something else besides watching videos on Youtube. So, what's been holding me back from going out into civilisation, you might ask?
I am a fuck up, that's what. No, I don't need your pity. You don't need to say things that you don't want to say just to comfort me. Wait, what? You don't feel pity for me? I guess I deserve it after the shit I've been pulling. I've been distancing myself from people. Not just people I care or people I know. People, in general. Now, who in the world does that with a conscious mind? I have friends who care for me and wish to see me happy but all I've been doing is ignoring their calls and messages. I have friends who are going through shit and instead of listening to their problems or consoling them, I run away. I hide in a hole that is my room, far away from creatures who speak the same language as I do. I don't go out either. It's like, I've stopped socialising all together. I don't know what or why -- wait, I actually do and this is the whole point of this post.
I am afraid. There, I've said it. I'm hesitating to get too close to the people I care because I'm afraid they will leave me. Oh, man. This sounds like those reasons men who can't commit give to women. You see, I'm still a little hung up from my previous relationship. I mentioned that I was going to be okay and all that but that was just a facade I put on so people will stop hanging around my back. I didn't like people paying extra attention on me after my breakup because I am a wounded bird who just fell from the tree because I suck as a bird because which bird actually falls from a tree? There's a thing called wings, right? Oh, right. I'm a wounded bird so of course I can't use my wounded wings. But that's not the point. I hated feeling weak and vulnerable. People hanging around me, asking if I'm okay or if I needed chicken soup -- that made me feel useless. Like, I can't even handle my own shit and I need people around me to nurse me.
Also, I needed to tell everyone and myself that I'm going to be okay just so I can believe that things will get better. I compressed all the useless I'm-an-emotional-wreck thoughts and feelings and went on with my life.
I don't know how to end this post. Uhm, how about this?
"I eventually got better and I began socialising by communicating with my cat. The End." Or. "I die alone. The End." Probably this sounds better. "I realised that total isolation from human kind is not a healthy thing and so, I opened my front door and stepped out into the sun and before I spoke my first words to my neighbour, I die from a sunburn. The End." Or this.
I'm a total fuck-up who doesn't appreciate her friends and it's only a matter of time that I snap out of it. But before that, can someone just fucking hammer some sense into my head because I really love my friends? I'm really sorry, guys. The End.
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