Retire.

The weather is going bonkers. It has been awfully hot these past few weeks. No one should be under the sun after 9am because holy shit, it is hot. And when it is around 4pm, it starts pouring like the rain clouds have never released rain from their cloud urethra. I wish everyday is a cloudy and windy day.

Except if I have a solar powered car. Because of y'know, sunshine. And power. So, y'know, the car won't remain stationary all the time.


A few quick updates:

1. I'm pretty worried that I might actually not finish my assignment. I have yet to receive a reply email from the NGO I emailed about 4 days ago and their participation in my assignment is crucial. I will have nothing to write about if they do not provide information necessary for the assignment. This is due by the following Monday and I will have to find a new topic to write about if this does not go according to plan. Sigh.
2. I'm finally glad that the exchange students from Shanghai are going back to their country. Between my tutorials and lectures and joining the activities planned out for the Shanghai students, I rarely had any time for myself. The past week, I have been waking up at 5am to prepare for lectures and finish up my tutorials and I only arrive back home after 9pm every other day. I didn't have much time to just sit and relax – what more with Chris . I would immediately crawl to bed to get as much rest as I can. Thankfully, there was a gap between my classes and the closing ceremony of the exchange programme on Thursday that Chris and I took advantage of and went on a mini date to IKEA. 
3. I have a land law test this Wednesday and I am far from prepared for it. Help.

Cute picture of the day! Source: http://lizclimo.tumblr.com/ 

Ashes.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that persons in possession of multiple accounts of social media, must be in want for everyone to not post their happy all the time.

Research. Studies. Articles. More research.

I've deleted my short-lived Instagram account and my Twitter account too. Unfortunately, I can't delete my Facebook account because it would prove difficult to discuss about assignments or obtain updates regarding cancelled lectures or postponed due dates (albeit rarely).

I remember the time when all the social media I used was Facebook, Tumblr and blogging. I was happy, or shall I put it, not terribly depressed. I used Facebook to gather updates about friends and look for new music; Tumblr to create a future I want to be in - the dream wardrobe and dream home; and blogging to express myself without fearing judgment, from the public and from myself. It was a good balance of accepting happiness from others and creating happiness for myself.

Then, I lost it. I stopped going to Tumblr. I stopped blogging. I guess, I lost part of myself when I stopped blogging. I lost my passion to write and ultimately, I lost my outlet to self-expression. These couple of years has been hard on me. The inactivity on my blog is not because I have nothing to say - it is because I can't find the words to say.

I have a feeling that I'm slowly spiraling deeper into my 'cave' - where I stop socialising and responding to people if I could. I realised that I can and will only come out from my 'cave' if I have had enough space and time for myself. So, this is me, helping myself. Blogging shall be my self-treatment. I will not allow myself to fall deeper into depression.

I need to force myself to blog in order for my mind to find solace and peace. I will blog once a week. Yes. For me to stick to something, I need to announce it to everyone.

I will blog once a week.

_______________

Some quick updates:

1. I have a 10am class tomorrow and I should prepare for this week's tutorials. Should. That is the keyword.
2. The longer I study law, the more I feel uncertain about what I'm going to do after I graduate. I am almost certain that I don't want to be a litigator, which is pretty ironic since being a litigator was the reason I pursued law. Studying law has made me question my very being. I thought law was ingrained in my soul. I thought that I am finally pursuing my long-time dream - that I can finally be the person I was meant to be. But, more doubts and self-questioning keep popping in my mind. I might have a much more romantic soul suited for literature than I've expected. Hmm, post for another day, I guess. 
3. I've finally visited tourist attractions in Kuala Lumpur last Friday! With a group of Shanghai exchange students, of course. I saw the Tugu Negara (National Monument) and went on a guided tour around the National Museum! I enjoyed myself so much during the guided tour in the museum that I might go again, but with Chris this time. He will definitely appreciate all the artifacts and the history behind them. 

Cute picture of the day!

I can't link this picture to the original artist or source because I got this from a friend through WhatsApp.

Waiting.

It has not been easy for me to be back here. It took me more than a month, contemplating whether I should start blogging again or let this place I once called my comfort zone rot. My dad randomly commented that I should start writing again – write letters to newspapers so they'll publish it. I've never written letters to newspapers but I think I get what he is trying to say. He noticed that I don't write anymore and it has changed me. Chris also told me that I should get back into blogging. He didn't say anything else but I have a feeling the reason he was nudging me towards blogging again is probably, blogging used to be chicken soup for my soul. And I have been cold and lost on the inside.

Last night, I came back here and I saw the state of my blog. The pictures that once gave colours to this grey layout was gone and was replaced with a box with a 'no entry' sign. Copyright issues, I guess. The only colour on the blog was the picture of myself on the right hand side of this blog. You could even imagine seeing cobwebs at the corners of this blog. It looked old and dusty.

It's raining now. Grey skies complement the grey shades of this blog. How apt.

Blogging has been a form of self reflection. I sit at the table, face my laptop and reflect on my thoughts and actions. I have not been doing that lately. And by lately, I mean for almost a year now. But, do you know what I am doing right now? I stare at the walls in front of me, thinking about what I am thinking about. And I stare at the laptop again. And. Nothing. I don't know where my thoughts are anymore.

No. This is what I think. I lost myself. I don't know myself or my thoughts anymore. I don't have any interests anymore. I'm not reading. I'm not looking or listening to new bands or new music anymore. I don't follow fandoms anymore. I don't follow up TV series that I used to love and adore. I don't even blog. I have lost all passion for passion.

I need to find myself again. It's okay if I don't feel passionate for the things I used to be passionate anymore but, I need to rediscover myself and feel alive on the inside. Because right now, numbness is enveloping me.

Games.

One amazing week with Chris and then, he had to leave so abruptly. I can't say I'm frustrated or just sad because it wasn't his decision to leave. He had to leave.

Why can't I be a little more selfish? After all, I earned this mid sem break after weeks of hectic schedule. I deserve to wind down with him – the physical him since long distance relationships limits many aspects of a relationship. It doesn't help when he's so frustrated with matters at home and I can't do much to ease it for him.

"Don't be silly. You're there for me," he says. I wish I could do more than just being there for you, Chris.

Descending.

It has been a hectic week and I have been looking forward to relaxing at home with my parents and start catching up with friends and family all week. And finally, the week is over. I'm officially on my mid-semester break. And I'm happy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much I have progressed in terms of socialising and making friends ever since I changed courses, leaving my passion for literature temporarily. I've always felt like I've never truly fitted in the faculty. No true friends with whom I can just chill and relax with, no one clique of friends I can call my own. I've always felt like an outsider, peering and watching them interact and socialise – and bond. And then, I started noticing that some interactions are merely superficial. Friends gossipping about each other, passive-aggressive relationships in cliques. Of course I do not comment about it because I'm just the new kid in the faculty. I guess that all this really just made me not put in any effort into making friends or getting close with anyone because I've seen the value of friendships to them. So, I chose to be reserved and kept my matters to myself. That was about eight months ago.

Today, I realised that all hope is not lost. I think there are some potential friendships that could turn out to become more – I can see myself with a close friend(s) now. And it's a nice feeling. I am going to try to be more approachable and actually put some effort into these people. It has not been easy for me to make friends. There has been a gradual change in my personality from being overly friendly to the point that people think I might be romantically interested in them (haha what) to being so reserved that some high school friends commented that I'm too quiet and serious.

Is it horrible of me to think that some people are really just not worth my time and effort? Because that's what I do whenever I decide if the friendship is worth all the effort. I think it's very selfish of me to have that mentality but so far, it has shielded me from people who could potentially hurt me.

I don't know. I feel horrible for saying and thinking that way. As if I'm the all mighty person who judges if a person's worth is up to my standards.

Hmm.

Wait.

This morning, my heart was filled with dread. While walking to my car to head off to university, I felt so exhausted with life. I entered my car and I sat inside the car for a good ten minutes, not moving. I had difficulties in breathing and my head was spinning. I cried silently. I am so tired. I am tired of my routinic life. I am so tired of using the same route to go to classes. I am tired of looking at the same road, trees and houses.

I'm tired of feeling so helpless. I am tired of not truly understanding the subjects I'm currently studying. I hate feeling lost in lectures. I feel so unmotivated...so weak. I tried doing extra by reading cases and textbooks before classes but I am still struggling. I am tired of having my support system – my parents and Chris – so far away from me. A hug from them –  heck, from anyone will help so much now.

I want to escape and get away for a while but I can't. I am tied down by obligations. I don't understand why I have to feel like this every semester in university. I'm not depressed or suffering from emotional breakdown. I'm just very exhausted with life.

This weariness is killing me inside.

Safe.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." 

   - C.S. Lewis

This is my favourite quote of the day, linked to me by Chris. People always say that falling in love is the sweetest part of a relationship. I think that loving a person and knowing that that person loves you back is the best part because everyone falls in love at a different pace. You could already be falling in love and the other person is still not there yet. It is scary to be the person who is ahead in a relationship. You worry that you are rushing into things and that there could be a possibility that the other person might not even reach love part of the relationship. Falling in love is some scary shit.

And of course, this marks the comeback of my blogging days! Hello again, Internet.

Natural

I'm alone in my room in my dorm for the first time. My roommates have left me to go back home. Honestly, I am happy to have this whole room to myself for once. I've never had this room to myself before and it feels very liberating to be able to do anything I want without being worried that one of them will open the door. I can finally blast my music without being assholey roommate!

Tonight is my last night in this room.

I'm finally done with my first year. The next time I step into university, I'll be a second year student. It's pretty scary, how fast time flies. Life in university is very quick. You blink and you're already done with one year.

I have met so many amazing people during my first year. My English coursemates who will always be my coursemates, All Outers who have given me a place to run from reality for just a while, and many, many friends.

I actually miss my roommates. We would never have become friends if we were not assigned to this room. Different background, different mentality. But I really do miss them now. I wish them well.

I am going to miss the friends who are going to graduate soon. They have inspired me to be just as amazing of a senior like they have been to me. Good luck in your future undertakings.

Here's to more memories.

Ivy.

I'm in a better place now. After much persuasion from Chris, I finally sought out professional help. I've had a couple of meetings with a counselor and he managed to help me tune my mental state to be a more positive one. I'm feeling much better now and I think I can do this. I'm actually not ashamed to tell people that I have a meeting with a counselor because I don't think it's something to be embarrassed about. However, some people really should change their views on counselors. Just because I have a counselor to talk to doesn't mean I am mentally unstable or that I am going to commit suicide. I just need a professional to help me identify the reason I think the way I thought before.

I chose to not blog about this earlier because I didn't want to jinx this. I didn't want to go all "hey I'm going to be better now yay!" and then become depressed again.

So, I guess you guys can expect more posts from me now.