New.

I know I'm supposed to be asleep now but the Internet beckoned with open arms. And when it does, you answer it.

Ya'll hear me?

You know what totally shocked the shit out of my pants yesterday? When I found out it was a Wednesday. I thought it was a Tuesday whut. I almost had a heart attack because it's a day lesser from my other History paper.

And we all know you should never mess with History.

I should look at the calender more often now. No more stalking Mark "Cockblocker" Foster because he's totally messing with my mojo.

Also, wearing pads during my menstrual cycle reminds me of my diaper days. Not that I actually remember those warm occasions where I strut in a diaper but wearing a pad kinda gives me the non-existent memories of those diaper days. As if that makes any sense. Like, when I wear a pad and I walk around the house at 2:30am, that plasticky-pad-rubbing-against-your-skin sound is very loud since there's nothing else turned on but the fan and me.

Whoops.

But anyway, I bet half of you don't know how the sound of a pad against the skin is like. Well, imagine a baby with diapers on and it's running around the house. Can you hear that diaper? Yeah, that sound.

GAAAHHHH so much rage! Why does it have to make such sounds? It reminds me of babies. And I'm not fond of babies (as seen by the usage of 'it' *points up* as a pronoun because babies look asexual when they're born).

I am so mad that it makes me want to flip over a basket full of fruits. GUHHH.

Such irritating noises should not exist.

Say.

I tend to have interactions with myself. Most of the time, I talk to myself. This morning, I was telling myself how the water is so cold and I don't want to take a cold bath. And I started to rationalise with myself on how I have no time for these petty problems and told my hands to just pour cold water over my head. Then, I answered back, "The water is so darn cold and it's making my muscles ache. Aaahhh." Then - well, you probably get the picture. It was a two way conversation with myself in the bathroom, with a water scooper filled with cold water in my hand.

And then I started to giggle in the bathroom.

I know people talk to themselves in their minds most of the time but I like to verbalise the conversation in my head. Like, how I tell myself, "Dude, chill. Read the questions. It's not rocket science. You can do this because you've studied. Think, woman. Think!" in the exam hall. Then, I will look to my sides to check if anyone heard me. I feel secure and better when I talk to myself because when I can hear myself comforting myself, it feels real. I like it when I have myself to back me up, especially during the worst times. Because you will stop at nothing to help yourself to get through.

You are your best cheerleader, support group, motivator and friend.

It is never a one sided point of view because when I talk to myself, two sides of me (sometimes three) will start debating and we will finally decide on the best option. I sound like I have multiple personalities or something. I do (I think everyone does) and it's not a disorder (hopefully). I think it's not a disorder as long it's good for you.

I'm reminding myself that Merlin is about to start and some Prince Arthur viewing is always good for the mind and soul.

P.S. December is just a day away. Christmas warmth, come to me!

Jaw.

After that dreadfully miserable post, I can say that I am okay right now. Music and friends are helping me to cope with my rollercoastery emotions during this exam period. Foster The People has been a great source of comfort. Their music, the members, the videos of them. I don't actually know how many times Torches has been played on both my CD player and iPod but it is safe to say that I am not bored of the songs (or them) and it gives me a sense of calmness and inner happiness. After my first paper on Monday, I jumped into my dad's car without a second glance at the people who were discussing the paper and listened to FTP. I don't know how or what their music contains that just makes me feel like, 'Yeah, I am alright. Everything will be okay'.

I studied until about 4am this morning, slept at 5am-ish and woke up at about 7.30am. And the best part is that everything is going to be okay. So what if I have a paper later? Everything will work out just fine.

Getaway.

I'm typing as I feel. No plannings, no edits.

I need some time out. I want to escape from living a mundane life and just, go somewhere unknown for a while. Life that it is right now, it doesn't give me the sense of satisfaction anymore. I feel burdened. I feel pressured to do something that I do not wish to do. This is not the exam-pressured side talking. This is the tired, exhausted and frustrated side talking.

Frankly speaking, I am just really tired of studying. I am tired of being a student. It's not that I have been studying my ass off. I don't even have the motivation to push myself to study, even now. The day before the exam. It feels like any other ordinary Sunday. A day to put a pause on the life I have, wrap myself in blankets and read a book with soothing Scandinavian music softly playing on my radio. I have never felt so uninterested in an exam, especially an exam this important. My parents told me, "This is the most important exam in your life" and all I did was shrug and continued to look out of the window of a moving car. Perhaps, my parents interpreted my silence as nervousness or worry. But I am not. I am not nervous or worried. I am just feeling unsatisfied as a human being. I hate living a life that traps me. I hate living a life that is a repeated routine of yesterdays.

I went to the playground to temporarily get rid of burdened emotions. I sat on a swing for a very long time and swung in a constant velocity and momentum. Not too high, not too slow. And with music in my ears, I simply took in the nature and the surroundings. I felt my shoulders relaxing. I started to give out heavy sighs and it feels as though negative emotions are seeping out of my body. The wind in my face felt familiar. Like that time when I was a kid. The feeling of floating in the air as I closed my eyes to the world and just feel my body being lifted up from the ground. I was happy. I smiled and laughed to myself while swinging with other children. When my feet touched the ground again, I felt miserable again. I hate gravity for having my feet fixed on the ground.

I hate it.

You would be thinking to yourself now, 'She's making excuses now so that when she gets crappy results later, she won't blame herself for not studying. She can blame it on the world'. I won't try to change your mind. I won't say you don't understand what I am currently going through because I am different, yadda, yadda. But this year has been the one of the worst years of my life. I thought I have grown out of apathy and have began to experience life the way it should be experienced but clearly, it has not really gone away. I am still unstable. I feel huge amounts of happiness and glee when I am happy. I put myself in the darkest pits and numb myself when I am unhappy.

Perhaps I am a little bipolar. I should get it checked.

But if I really could, I wouldn't mind jumping on board some random bus, tour with artistes and be their water girl or their shoe lacer. I just need to get out of this kind of life. Just for a while.

I don't know how people in their fifties, or even in their twenties can continue living a life that is confined by the four walls of their houses, offices, halls, and classrooms. I don't know how I'm going to live a life like that when I am older.

I should get going. I am not going to do the exams for the sake of just finishing it. I am going in the hall and give all I have in every single paper. Because that is only fair for my parents who have also sacrificed a lot for me to reach this point. I'm doing this for them now. No longer for myself.

Point.

I just need to express my gratitude to Foster The People for deciding to tour around this region where huge bands usually ignore. It is rare for a band to be coming down while I'm still high on their album. Thank you for not abandoning your fans of this region.

I'm trying to sound as calm as possible. Because I don't think screaming at people with excessive usage of caps lock and exclamation marks will create a good image to my professional self. Because I'm a calm and composed fan.

So, my progress with the challenge has been good so far. I've been studying. I've studied a lot more in these two days than I have been studying in the past month. And that, deserves a round of applause from the blogosphere. *bows* Thank you, thank you.

So, I should continue with my challenge. I need to fuck STPM in the ass and to do that, I need enough knowledge. And very good crapping skills. Because that is how I've been getting out of trouble. And of course, this situation is no different. I am going to extricate myself from this shitty condition with my almost-perfect crapping skills. And still ace it.

AAAAHHHHHH THEY ARE COMING I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST I LOVE YOU ALL TWO MARKS, A CUBBIE, AN ISOM AND A SEAN :D

*clears throat* Sorry about that. I tried to resist.

One.

Okay, this is my plan. I am going to do something that many will never dare to do and wave it away as insanity.

I am going to take up the challenge of finishing a year's worth of education in one week. And I am going to be excellent and golden during exams. And get badass results to prove to others that it is possible to study last minute for STPM and still ace like a boss.

Believe it or not, I am still calm and unfazed over the fact that STPM is in a week. 7 days. Something must be blocking my pituitary gland from triggering my body to release the hormones that are essential for the 'WTF Exams AHHHHH I'm gonna shit in my pants AHHHH' reaction. Which is, the most important aspect for me to be a master in digesting facts at one glance.

So, I need something to get my brain gears moving. And telling myself that I need to get perfect results to enter the course I want at the university of my choice has not been (and I doubt it will) working. Thus, the birth of this challenge where I study last minute, have pretty alphabets on my results slip and BOAST ABOUT IT HAHAHAHA. I know I am giving out proud-asshole vibes but forgive me. I am usually a nice person.

I just need to prove the theory I have been suspecting all along; that is Malaysian major exams are pwnable with last minute studying. And so far, I have been right. This shall be my last experiment to prove that my theory is actually valid.

Time to create history, baby.

Unveil.

There's always a rainbow in places you least expect.

I don't want the world to be less awesome because I'm gone. I want the world to be awesomer because I was here.

Dice.

I'm not sure if my dad is a really weird guy or a pure genius. He was playing with Dot and he randomly blurted, "We should make Dot the smartest cat in the world. We should get Dot to sit for the SPM exam. She doesn't need to pass. She just needs to sit for it. And we'll be the world's first family with a cat that has taken an exam." At that time, I was already choking on the food in my mouth. And he continued, "Cats have their own rights too. She's a Malaysian cat and have all the rights just like any other Malaysian. She has a Malaysian father and a Malaysian mother. And was born and still lives in Malaysia. She just needs to apply for a birth certificate and we can register her to sit for the SPM exam."

Maybe it sounds silly to many but I actually think he makes sense. There is nothing in the Constitution that forbids animals from obtaining birth certificates or identity cards. The Constitution only states the requirements one needs before applying to be a Malaysian citizen and it did not state that this only applies to human beings.

I gotta ask my General Studies teacher about this because this is too funny, especially when it's from my dad.

Green.

I saw this guy in McDonald's lip syncing to a song while I was walking to the toilet. He was being all dramatic during the high pitched part of the song. Others around him were pretending not to notice but when I saw him, sitting by the window and doing weird gestures, I laughed to myself. And he saw me. He saw me laughing at him. And we made eye contact. I gave a quick smile. After peeing, I came out of the toilet and I saw him, looking at me. And when I walked back to my seat, I had a feeling that he was watching me walk away.

Too bad he didn't come over to my table and initiate a conversation. It would be a nice way to get to know someone new.

P.S. I have finally come to accept that Mark Foster is not a blonde. Many apologies, Mark.

Nickel.

Before I start anything, imagine this scene. It's like those English cottages with a fireplace at the corner of the room. There are like, hundreds of books on the shelves behind me and a cat is curled up on the mat by my feet. I'm sitting comfortably on a leather chair, too engrossed with my hard cover book that has like 4342 pages. And you slowly walk towards me.

Okay?

Oh my, hello there! I didn't know you were here, in my private space that should only be for me. Thank goodness you didn't enter my imagination while I was thinking about Mark Foster and the many things I plan to do when I meet him. It doesn't involve much fabric between us, if you would like to know. But of course, you're not here to find out about those nitty gritty details.

Welcome to my humble abode that is my imagination. As you can see, it is not spacious because it occupies only one person (me) most of the time and occasionally, another person (usually Mark Foster) but he rarely comes here. He's mostly in the other room. Trying to find his clothes.

*clears throat*

As I was saying, it's such a surprise to find you here. You are one of the few who managed to enter this part of my imagination and since you're here, let me give you a quick tour to the other parts or rooms, as I call them. What, you're not interested in looking at the other sections of my imagination? I can assure you that it will be a very interesting tour because this is a pretty cool place to be in. It's mostly active during the day but it's not that boring at night either. Oh, you're sure you won't want to look around? Well, okay then. I was just about to show you the room where I store happy memories.

So, what can I do for you? Care for some hot cocoa? It's getting cold outside, just like what the weatherman said. Oh, so you are here because you're bored? Well, let me help you to continue procrastinating from the things you are suppose to be attending to. We can start playing Monopoly if you like but...*looks around*...I can't seem to remember which shelf I left the Monopoly on. Meh. No Monopoly then. I could entertain you with the stories I have.

So, November is here. I'm not exactly worried about the serious condition I'm suffering from; that is the lack of time and knowledge in my brain to face an exam that is in just 15 days. It feels like any other assessment test and we all know how we shade all four options on our answer sheets just for kicks during assessment tests. Mark! Where are your clothes? Can't you see we have a visitor here? Go put on some clothes and come back here to have some hot cocoa and some marshmallows. Where was I again? Okay, so yeah. Not feeling any tension at all. I remember the time when I was already shitting bricks in my pants a month before PMR and three months before SPM. But now, not a single brick. I'm not sure if I should be happy that I'm not suffering from a serious case of constipation or be terrified as fuck that I'm still as chilled as a cool cat.

OH MY GOSH, MARK. WHY AM I SMELLING SMOKE? YOU ARE GOING TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN. Excuse me while I save the other room from burning down. But you can stay here and enjoy the hot cocoa if you like. There are some marshmallows near the fireplace. Don't be shy and all that shit. Also, stay out of that room with the red door because that's where I store most of my horny stuff. So uhhhh, yeah.

MARK FOSTER Where are you! I'm coming!