Getaway.

I'm typing as I feel. No plannings, no edits.

I need some time out. I want to escape from living a mundane life and just, go somewhere unknown for a while. Life that it is right now, it doesn't give me the sense of satisfaction anymore. I feel burdened. I feel pressured to do something that I do not wish to do. This is not the exam-pressured side talking. This is the tired, exhausted and frustrated side talking.

Frankly speaking, I am just really tired of studying. I am tired of being a student. It's not that I have been studying my ass off. I don't even have the motivation to push myself to study, even now. The day before the exam. It feels like any other ordinary Sunday. A day to put a pause on the life I have, wrap myself in blankets and read a book with soothing Scandinavian music softly playing on my radio. I have never felt so uninterested in an exam, especially an exam this important. My parents told me, "This is the most important exam in your life" and all I did was shrug and continued to look out of the window of a moving car. Perhaps, my parents interpreted my silence as nervousness or worry. But I am not. I am not nervous or worried. I am just feeling unsatisfied as a human being. I hate living a life that traps me. I hate living a life that is a repeated routine of yesterdays.

I went to the playground to temporarily get rid of burdened emotions. I sat on a swing for a very long time and swung in a constant velocity and momentum. Not too high, not too slow. And with music in my ears, I simply took in the nature and the surroundings. I felt my shoulders relaxing. I started to give out heavy sighs and it feels as though negative emotions are seeping out of my body. The wind in my face felt familiar. Like that time when I was a kid. The feeling of floating in the air as I closed my eyes to the world and just feel my body being lifted up from the ground. I was happy. I smiled and laughed to myself while swinging with other children. When my feet touched the ground again, I felt miserable again. I hate gravity for having my feet fixed on the ground.

I hate it.

You would be thinking to yourself now, 'She's making excuses now so that when she gets crappy results later, she won't blame herself for not studying. She can blame it on the world'. I won't try to change your mind. I won't say you don't understand what I am currently going through because I am different, yadda, yadda. But this year has been the one of the worst years of my life. I thought I have grown out of apathy and have began to experience life the way it should be experienced but clearly, it has not really gone away. I am still unstable. I feel huge amounts of happiness and glee when I am happy. I put myself in the darkest pits and numb myself when I am unhappy.

Perhaps I am a little bipolar. I should get it checked.

But if I really could, I wouldn't mind jumping on board some random bus, tour with artistes and be their water girl or their shoe lacer. I just need to get out of this kind of life. Just for a while.

I don't know how people in their fifties, or even in their twenties can continue living a life that is confined by the four walls of their houses, offices, halls, and classrooms. I don't know how I'm going to live a life like that when I am older.

I should get going. I am not going to do the exams for the sake of just finishing it. I am going in the hall and give all I have in every single paper. Because that is only fair for my parents who have also sacrificed a lot for me to reach this point. I'm doing this for them now. No longer for myself.