Tick.

So.

I was blog hopping and I have decided that she is amazing. I hope she's a she though, because she sounds like a she. But if she's not a she but a he, then there's a big problem there.

She/He/It is doing this meme that caught my interest and I have decided to tag along and do it too. Because I am bored like that. And because memes like these are the best way for you to feel closer to me. As if you're not some stalker who secretly reads this blog for amusement. And allows you to stalk me in a way that is not possible in reality because I make shameless things look cool and you wouldn't know what hit you.

Onwards!

30 Shameless Posts On Shameless Things

1. Declare your love for an uncool TV show.
2. Look a fool.
3. Eat. Whatever you feel like eating.
4. Waste time.
5. Declare your love for an uncool movie.
6. Act 'girly' or 'manly' in a way you’d normally avoid.
7. Share your efforts at something you don’t think you do well.
8. Sweat.
9. Expose something messy or dirty you’d usually hide.
10. Declare your love for an uncool band.
11. Dress to show some skin.
12. Share about a health struggle.
13. Speak up about something crap that was done to you.
14. Hold yourself accountable — not guilty — for something crappy you did to someone else.
15. Dress, walk, and act like you know you’re all that.
16. Spend money on a non-necessity or share a financial struggle.
17. Discuss the reality of your work situation.
18. Brag.
19. Share details about a bodily function or fluid.
20. Talk about sex.
21. Express a strong feeling.
22. Set a boundary.
23. Air one of your secrets.
24. Share a struggle you have yet to “just get over.”
25. Ask for help.
26. Make a mistake.
27. Express a dissenting opinion.
28. Discuss a failure.
29. Look a fool.
30. Name 3 more ways you can live shamelessly and commit to doing them.
    

'Set a boundary'? What does that even mean? Guh, Meme. And 'Look a fool', twice? Meme, you're asking too much from me. But. Challenge accepted.

I shall save self-humiliation for another sunny day.

Now, reading on Machiavellianism. Because Nicollo Machiavelli is boss.

Seasons.

I need to stop thinking about it. I NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. I NEED TO FUCKING STOP FUCKING THINKING ABOUT IT NOW. NOW. NOW.

NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW

GAHHHHH *insert head desk here*

I hate you, heart. Guh. I need to break something now, with my bare hands.

Like, a fucking chair. Literally. A chair used to fuck. I need to find one of those. To break. Now.

I want to maintain the 'cool and chill' look but fuck, with everything being bulldozed into my life in such a short period of time..

gho;ipasjgajef'pdfvnadsfopo[ihsadfpoj]vswqiefbo[iheqfvo[ihbbooin[eq[ohi oh [iwowp i [owq o[fow pooh igwogoihmwe tiursogoij;eon;tdsgowekwp[johpooip

Sorry, that was my head, expressing its frustration on the keyboard.

I am such a fucking mess right now.

Zip.

Realization.

It was more of the idea of the relationship, rather than the person. It was the memories, not the person in the memories.

It had never really been about the person. I've gotten it all wrong all this time.

Better late than never, I guess. I am learning more and more about myself each day now.

_____

I managed to catch a bit of a discussion between three people on the radio yesterday. They were talking about a pretty interesting topic. Heaven and Hell. I'm not sure if they started the discussion off by relating it to religion but when I tuned in, it was how you bring Hell or Heaven upon yourself.

Heaven or Hell; we will never be able to confirm of its existence. Whether it is a physical space or a method by religion to put people in their places and to control their actions, we will never know. But the idea of Heaven or Hell on Earth is interesting. A woman who was part of the discussion brought up a Jewish side of a story about a rabbi visiting Heaven and Hell. In Hell, the rabbi sees long tables filled food and around the tables were people who were angry and frustrated. The people were feeling miserable and angry because their arms were splintered, disabling them from bending their arms. Since they can't bend their arms, they can't use the spoons to feed themselves.

The rabbi is then taken to Heaven where he meets a similar setting; long tables with huge quantities of food. Instead of frustrated people, he sees happy and cheerful groups of people gathered around the table. Their arms are also splintered just like the people he saw in Hell. But the difference is that these people help each other when they're hungry. If a person is feeling hungry, the person sitting on the opposite side will take some food from his plate and feed him. By giving to others, he will get the same treatment in return.

Heaven and Hell are created, despite the similarities in setting. We create our own Heaven and Hell based on our actions. We experience Hell on Earth when all we give is selfishness and greed and Heaven when we share and love each other. I know that we are always told to be good to have good in return and vice versa. Yet, this story made me have deep thoughts. Perhaps, it's because I don't truly believe of a Heaven or Hell after death. I guess, I believe that we create our own versions of Heaven and Hell on Earth. Earth as the setting and it is up to us to create a Heaven or Hell for ourselves.

The idea of how we can alter the experience of Heaven or Hell based on our actions is fascinating. Like, there is no higher power to put us in our places after death. We decide where we want to be. Here and now.

What if life on Earth which is perceived as a test by God to decide where we are going to spend our eternal lives in is actually Heaven or Hell? What if God prepared Earth as an ambiguous setting for us and our lives are our own versions of Heaven or Hell? What if we are actually dead right now?

Oh gosh, my head.

Keys.

Friendly reminder : Just because I am not saying anything about it, doesn't mean I don't know anything about it. So, please watch what you're posting on Facebook.

______

Honest post today.

I can finally able to say this without lying to myself. I'm moving on now. I am no longer clinging to the past. I don't have what ifs taunting me every time I have free time in my hands. I don't hope for anything from you anymore. I am finally free from the clutches of the past. Well, it only took about a year or so. But yeah, the taste of freedom has never tasted so sweet.

What got me clinging to the hope that we might have a second chance was simply, the nature of the relationship. It was light and fun. It was spontaneous giggles and late night calls. It was the relationship I've been waiting for all these years. Of course, I didn't know that this was the kind of relationship that I've been craving for until you happened. That's why the word perfection kept coming up. Too perfect to be true. It felt just right. Too right.

And when everything was gone, it shattered me to pieces. I felt lost and for once, I didn't know what to do. I always had a strategy for everything. Didn't study? Screw it and polish my guessing skills. No clothes? Mix and match. It happened so fast that I had no strategy to get out of it in one piece (because I never felt the need to think about the possibility of a break up) and I was aimless. First, for days. Then, weeks. Months. It was hard on me. I felt like running away from my own body. Thus, apathy.

...Okay, this might sound like those emo and depressing kind of posts kids these days type about but whatever.

At first, I embraced apathy. Like, fuck school. I can wear my shoes however the hell I want. I can walk out of class whenever I feel like without permission. Skip lessons. Not doing homework. Then, it got worse. Not listening to my parents. Not caring if my friend is okay after a break up. Showing the middle finger in front of people who annoyed me. I've finally realised how serious it was when my dad was admitted into the hospital for a possible heart attack late at night. My mum told me about my dad's chest pains and her plans to admit him into the hospital and asked me to go to bed because it's a school night. And I did, without hesitation. Without arguing with my mum that I want to be there in the hospital with the rest of my siblings. I slept. I went to school the next day as though it was like any other ordinary day.

Then it finally hit me that if I continued to be this way, I would really end up being incapable of feeling anything. It might end up being a permanent thing and I won't be able to recognise emotions anymore. So, kids. Do not try this at home. Or at your friend's place.

Despite everything, I came out alive. Literally and figuratively. I did not try to commit suicide like those emo movies. I did not try to stand in front of a train like what Bruno Mars told us to do. I am capable of feeling again. I am beginning to socialise now. I turned out pretty fine actually. I'm so boss at this, jyeah.

It was a pretty eventful year for me. The struggles and the mental battles. But safe to say, I am okay now. I am moving on now.

This is so gonna be in my autobiography. Chyeah.

Grade.

Procrastination lalalala.

I am capable of getting a 4.0 for my CGPA in my exams but I am so darn lazy.

I rather type a post about me doing nothing than to study. Teachers are like, "YOU CAN DO IT 4 FLAT 4 FLAT YEAHHH" and my parents are like, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? EXACTLY. YOU'RE DOING NOTHING. STUDYYYY RAWR"

I don't know. Maybe it's my rebellious side that is causing me to not study. Like, if everyone is making me study, the urge to not study just triples. Because I'm a teenager like that.

What? I'm a young adult now?

Ah, shit.

Also, if I were in Saudi Arabia, I'd be a pretty bad student. Like, a really bad one.

Grade		Percentage	GPA value
Excellent Arabic: ممتاز‎	A+	95–100	4.0
	A	90–94	3.75
Very Good Arabic: جيد جداً‎	B+	85–89	3.50
	B	80–84	3.0
Good Arabic: جيد‎	C+	75–79	2.50
	C	70–74	2.0
Acceptable Arabic: مقبول‎	D+	65–69	1.50
	D	60–64	1.0
Failure Arabic: راسب‎	F	0–59	0.0

95 to 100 is a 4.0? WHAT KIND OF HUMAN IS THAT?

_______

And this is my theme song for today.

MGMT- "All We Ever Wanted Was Everything" (Bauhaus Cover) by LateNightTales

I shall go and hit the books now. Like, literally. With my head.

Quilt.

I had a minor case of food poisoning this morning and so, I napped. I dreamed of stuff again.

"To dream that you kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to."

http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/

"To murder is to repress our feelings or departments of your life. A man may kill his love for a girl because she does not come from a wealthy family. Or we may kill our feelings because we are ashamed of them or guilty about them. We may kill a creative streak in self due to feelings of incapability, unworthiness."

http://dreamhawk.com/dream-dictionary/

If I am not mistaken, I think I murdered a really pretty Indian lady whom I've not met before. I contemplated on blending her and pouring her as fertilizer on my plants. But instead, I left her in a van in a carpark, without pulling the breaks and watch the van move and crash into the wall barriers, hoping it would fall off the building.

I would like to clear this up. Firstly, I am not a racist. I have many Indian friends and I have no urge to blend them whatsoever. Secondly, I think this has got something to do with the crush I'm not suppose to harbour feelings for. Thirdly, I think I make a pretty badass murderer.

Or not.

Ever.

When I'm in the toilet, I will pinch myself just to check if I'm awake before I start releasing excretory products out of my body.

No, seriously.

I once had a dream that I was in the toilet, about to pee when I woke up in my bed. And I just stared at the bottom of the top bunk bed. It was pretty disturbing. So, I will check that I'm fully conscious of my actions before doing anything. I mean, if you've had so many kinds of weird dreams, you would be extra cautious before doing anything. I might end up waking up after wetting my bed or something.

Also, I'm nineteen. So it would be a pretty awkward situation to explain to the parents if such incident does take place.

I should be studying.

But I won't. Because I'm a lazy cat, lazing around like a lazy cat.

Disappear.

I don't mean to brag but I posted a post at 11:50am-ish and 10 minutes later, 53 views? Wow. I'm not sure if I should be proud about it or become paranoid and wonder if this is some kind of joke.

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

I demand you to show yourself!

Next.

Break up season. I'm not sure if it's still going on or if it has just started. Currently, three relationships of people I know have failed. It's strange to know that such pattern exists. Is it affected by natural occurence (the movement of the Moon, the high and low tides of the sea, clouds?) or is it like, a human pattern? The break up season usually starts around August while the mating/coupling season starts around March or April.

Are humans that predictable? Mhmm.

Well, here. Have some Henry cuteness to perk up your gloomy day.

Cat.

You know that time when you are most vulnerable and you end up having a crush on anyone who shows the least bit of attention to you?

It's not like you want to, you just do. You don't even realise it until you had it bad. And then you tell yourself, 'Not this time, amigo. It's just a stupid crush. Don't think too much about it.' and you end up doing the opposite of what the voice in your head says.

Why the contradiction, heart and brain?

Ah, fuckity fuck fucking fuck.

Around.

A personal record : Stayed up from 6pm, 8th Sept until 2.30pm, 9th Sept.

In that 20.5 hours, I (in order) :-

a) studied all about the social hierarchy in Japan, China, and Thailand in addition to things along the same line,

b) remembered how much I missed drinking Neslo (and regretting it later because coffee makes me really hungry),

c) crapped in my pants when technology decided to scare me with my own imagination,

d) asked begged my younger brother to stay awake with me while I continue studying,

e) became an inferior to the computer when my younger bro and dad were more worried about the state of the computer rather than my mental and emotional state after telling them about the Incident,

f) vomited when I consumed Milo because I had too much air in my empty stomach (coffee made me hungry and I forgot to eat because I was scared shitless after the Incident),

g) almost experienced another panic attack in school after knowing that I am suffering from a students' block,

h) regained my composure and restudied everything like a fucking boss,

g) wrote four 500+ word essays in three hours without stopping,

h) finally transformed into the living dead after the paper,

i) almost walked into a pillar after school,

j) almost fell backwards from the bench I was sitting on while waiting for my dad to pick me up,

k) finally had my first mouth of solid food after so many hours,

l) needed my dad to hold my hand when crossing the road,

m) mechanically took my bath because I woke up wondering if I did take my bath and;

n) died and resurrected after hours of sleep.

After experiencing 20+ hours without sleep, I finally realised that :-

a) 14 hours without sleep is my limit,

b) writing an essay in a zombie-like state doesn't tire my hands out,

c) my speech slurs if I am a zombie,

d) information is processed 10 seconds slower, resulting in a very delayed reaction and;

e) I kick so much ass when I'm a zombie. BRING ON THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE YEAHHH

In conclusion:-

I am never going to do this again.

SHITTT, YOU GUYS.

MY COMPUTER JUST THE RING-ED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

I was as usual, procrastinating when I'm supposed to memorise stuff that will not interest anyone. When I wanted to comment on Vanessa's post on that hot German footballer that has the most adorable smile, my computer screen blanked and it started to do that fussy thing that you can see after the tv station ends its transmission.

And the computer restarted by itself after that.

HO' SHIT. My heart stopped and my first instinct was to look behind my shoulders. Like, how stupid of me but I did it anyway.

And I turned off the my desktop computer and just stared at my phone. No idea why but I did anyway.

Fuck. If I die a week later, you know what happened and please fucking burn my computer with holy water, if that's possible.

Or maybe it's just my computer taking revenge on me after that one time when I left it on for 21 hours.

I am so fucking traumatised now. But if I survive, at least I have an experience scary enough to scare the shit out of my kids to study next time. Or a pretty good story when everyone gathers around a campfire to tell spooky stories.

Somehow, I have a feeling that this is one of those stories that I tell people and their first reaction is to stare in shock. Like that story of the time when I fell with a bass drum and I didn't die.

I am starting to see the humour of the experience now.

Blocks.

Procrastinating from BM and PA by watching this and now, the walls are looking pretty trippy. And I smell rain? Oh, it is the rain. I thought I was imagining it.

"Please tell me that sounded alright."

That doesn't sound like it's alright, Thom. It sounded more like perfection.

I actually use the computer more frequently during important exams than when I don't have exams at all. A form of escapism (woah, John Keats!) and a pretty good one.

White.

I should be studying for my History trial paper right now since :-

i) it's in precisely 390 minutes,

ii) I found out about the paper on Monday and;

iii) I have, let's say, 90% of my syllabus to cover in the amount of time said above.

I'm a pretty good last minute studyer because the adrenaline rush from the stress and pressure allows me to have photographic memory (sorta). But this curveball is way beyond what my body can stand. I've been so high on adrenaline that I wasn't able to sleep. I've been awake for more than 24 hours now since Monday night. I was that close to actually experiencing my first panic attack with all the spasms and heavy breathings because of the nagging thought that I am never going to finish studying just now.

But I have to.

I finally did have a two hour nap (where I drifted in and out of consciousness) after calming down and having my CD player play a mellow song on repeat for two hours while I was asleep.

And just a few minutes ago, I thought to myself, 'How the fuck am I going to make it through the STPM month? I won't be able to sleep. At all.'

I just want Form Six to end now. I'm so tired.

Panic attack.