Zip.

Realization.

It was more of the idea of the relationship, rather than the person. It was the memories, not the person in the memories.

It had never really been about the person. I've gotten it all wrong all this time.

Better late than never, I guess. I am learning more and more about myself each day now.

_____

I managed to catch a bit of a discussion between three people on the radio yesterday. They were talking about a pretty interesting topic. Heaven and Hell. I'm not sure if they started the discussion off by relating it to religion but when I tuned in, it was how you bring Hell or Heaven upon yourself.

Heaven or Hell; we will never be able to confirm of its existence. Whether it is a physical space or a method by religion to put people in their places and to control their actions, we will never know. But the idea of Heaven or Hell on Earth is interesting. A woman who was part of the discussion brought up a Jewish side of a story about a rabbi visiting Heaven and Hell. In Hell, the rabbi sees long tables filled food and around the tables were people who were angry and frustrated. The people were feeling miserable and angry because their arms were splintered, disabling them from bending their arms. Since they can't bend their arms, they can't use the spoons to feed themselves.

The rabbi is then taken to Heaven where he meets a similar setting; long tables with huge quantities of food. Instead of frustrated people, he sees happy and cheerful groups of people gathered around the table. Their arms are also splintered just like the people he saw in Hell. But the difference is that these people help each other when they're hungry. If a person is feeling hungry, the person sitting on the opposite side will take some food from his plate and feed him. By giving to others, he will get the same treatment in return.

Heaven and Hell are created, despite the similarities in setting. We create our own Heaven and Hell based on our actions. We experience Hell on Earth when all we give is selfishness and greed and Heaven when we share and love each other. I know that we are always told to be good to have good in return and vice versa. Yet, this story made me have deep thoughts. Perhaps, it's because I don't truly believe of a Heaven or Hell after death. I guess, I believe that we create our own versions of Heaven and Hell on Earth. Earth as the setting and it is up to us to create a Heaven or Hell for ourselves.

The idea of how we can alter the experience of Heaven or Hell based on our actions is fascinating. Like, there is no higher power to put us in our places after death. We decide where we want to be. Here and now.

What if life on Earth which is perceived as a test by God to decide where we are going to spend our eternal lives in is actually Heaven or Hell? What if God prepared Earth as an ambiguous setting for us and our lives are our own versions of Heaven or Hell? What if we are actually dead right now?

Oh gosh, my head.